To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/01 04:12
Subject: Re: [K-list] Entity .. Wlm and Mystress
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2001/03/01 04:12, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 12:32 AM 3/1/01, Fiona and Christopher wrote:
>And I would also pose the question .. what is the
>thought process of the child who has been brought
>up with the belief that he/she is evil, a sinner ..
>
> or at the very least, unwanted.
I dunno, Christopher.. I used to sometimes think I was unwanted, but
truly I think that was my childish projection. My parents sure want me,
they complain I don't visit often enough. :)
So far as being evil.. I figgered out real young that it was best to
keep my mouth shut about my spiritual experiences.. because my parents
would probably freak at what they did not and could not understand.. I
never really did believe in evil, that I can remember.
Yes, I have regained the memory.. coming from the Light under the
ground, about age 2.. trying to explain it to my parents and getting
laughed at. Right then I figgered out maybe I was smarter about some things
than they were.. and to not tell them about things they could not grok.
That event was the birth of my ego, learning to act differently than I
felt, to be accepted. Even so, my stubborn choice, not to forget where I
came from meant that I never fully grew an ego.. and so their laughter was
perfection.
They thought that Hell was below, and I knew about the light under the
ground that was my real Mother. I was a secret heretic, even as a
preschool child!
I had so many prophetic dreams as a child, of what I would be like as
an adult, that I viewed time much differently than most children do. Most
children never think of the next day, unless it's their B-day.. but I had
seen 30 years into my own future, to know that all I had to do was keep my
mouth shut and survive the chaos till I was 18, then I could do whatever I
wanted.. :)
I learned self hypnosis at age 12.. and learned to stuff emotional
events that made no sense into little black boxes in my mind.. time
capsules set to reopen when I was old enough to understand it all. I kept
the memories, but the emotions around them got put into storage.. and when
I was an adult, the boxes all popped open and the stuff got dealt with.
I really think.. (and some may disagree..) that it takes a certain
immaturity for an adult to continue to blame their parents for how they
turned out. I have to trust they did the best they could, for what they
knew, and look for perfection. If I have some issues with it.. well, those
are *my* issues.. my stuff to deal with.
Tho I admit, I did have a great roaring fit at my mother last X-mas,
because she kept trying to tell me that my childhood was all sweetness and
light, and I decided to tell her how very differently it had felt, for me
than she knew or prefers to remember. She freaked out at it and tried for
days to make me feel guilty for speaking. She sobbed "It will take me quite
a while to get over this". Her usual dramatics.. I responded, "Well, I've
been trying to get over it for my whole life, deal with it."
The true irony, is her emotional reaction to my expression is exactly
why I could never talk to her about my stuff, when I was a child.. which
made things so much harder. All kinds of stuff, from my troubles at school
to the difficulty of being an awakened heretic child in a family of
Christians, .. she found out about it for the first time, last X-mas.
She didn't have a clue.. although both of my parents have realized that
their child raising style would get them thrown in jail, today.. and suffer
tremendous guilt, which is why they prefer to forget or rewrite the past.
I don't need them to feel guilty, how would that serve me? I want them
to grow old and die happy.. but I also know that after they do die, there
will be the life review.. they will find out exactly how badly they hurt
their children.. Better, if they can resolve some of it now... but they do
not think like that, so.. Free Will is Goddess Law.
Even so, I have already seen how I will be assisting their transition,
as I have assisted so many others to ascend the Bardos into the Light.
At some point I realized that one of the rewards of parenting, is the
joy of participating the child's experience, and how my secrets were a kind
of revenge, denying them that reward. I observed how I shut my parents
out.. rejected them in projection of how they would reject me, if they
knew. Yes, I felt rejected.. but it was my own doing.
Some thoughts.... Blessings..
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