To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/02/15 07:49
Subject: Re:[K-list] The Search
From: Mike Pierce
On 2001/02/15 07:49, Mike Pierce posted thus to the K-list:
Hello What I am about to say does not come out of some sort of a depression or an attempt to fight against beliefs but a short list of experiences and a sad possibility that I have considered. So if you have felt this way in your life at one time or another then make a comment. it ended up being pretty long so sorry if it is to long to read. Its my shortened spiritual path. And covers about 6 or so years.
I have always been intrested in human character. About 18 years old I became converted to a religion by because of an experience of love rushing in my body and a knowing that the future would be just fine. I became a seeker at this point. And those of you who are 'seekers' which most probably are, you know what I mean. Not just an interest in life, but an obsession and an addiction that has not ended. I studieds scripture and received a similar energy rush. I had one more of these love experiences within this year of religious conversion. I went on a religious teaching mission. I had many experiences while talking to people about spiritual things. One of them was something that someone has called astral sight. While talking to people on occasion my vision would distort and then come into focus with much more detail and emotion. I had to surrender and not think to much or it would vanish. There motions moved within me. This would happen not at will but when there was focus on two ends???? I followed spiritual voices and feelins and had alot of coincedences. I became very sure of my beliefs. After my mission I was not satisfied with my feelins of love and my relationship with God. Although I was very strict in my views I found myself not loving like I thought that Jesus was talking about. My cry to God, this doesn't work, if you don't give me something else I am done with the whole thing. then the spirit said 'the law is dead and you are alive in Christ' Well that opened up a whole new world. The scriptures didn't mean the same any more it was a new world. Through this and my deeper studies I began floating from religion. i studied easter philosophy, (allen watts, buhdism, anthony de mello, ug krishnamurti, j. krishnamurti) Not to mention several other books. I went through a phase of wanting to see Jesus and talked to a few people who had regular conversations with him??? I began seeing all the relgious teachings as symbols of deeper realities or concepts of the mind of man. All religions became true in a sence and I had to go through a time of feeling very negative about my religious brainwashing. I started studying max skousen (maxskousen.com) who came from the same relgion as myself, his teaching which came from the same scriptures helped me to come to terms terms with my religion later (at least conciously) Eventually I became disfellowshiped for premarrital sex, not to mention the drinking, and psychedelic drug experiments they don't know about. On the side the psychedelic drugs showed me a couple things but nothing to the extent to satisfy me to believe that this was a path that lead to knowing who you are like some teachers believe. I had a quick glimpse of the cosmic conciousness by getting a perception outside my mind. This happened two days in a row. the first day was a view of my mind or ego. TNow let me tell you where I am now.
I am interested in light and sound machines, hemy-sync and out of body experiences.
I am starting to wonder if these meditation techniques are good for relaxation and reduce stress but thats all. We can't leave the body because thats all we are. A body with a chaotic mind. All input from the outside world is just stimuli on the brain but nothing special. Nothing escpecially beautiful. Nothing especially ugly. there is no truth, there is no conciousness of me being a God or having anything to do with the collective conciousness. Religion is good for morals and prideful in their views. Don't make stupid decisions because it may make things harder for you and other people. Have a good time because well its funner that way. But as far as spirituality??? What is that? Is there a spiritual reality? I am not sure. While meditation for oobe I have felt the vibrations that are spoken of here (no awakening) But I am beggining to doubt that any of these spiritual things exist outside the creation of the mind. A few things blow my mind, Trees grow fruit the size of a mans hand and hang it about eye level so we can pick it and eat it, oh and its healthy. We reproduce through sex and create a being like us. Wow!!!!! You gota be kidding me. If there isn't a God deciding these things then this must be some sort of thought or dream and it came into existence some how and now I am bless (cursed?) with an awareness of it all. So is there anything beyond physical? is there anything beyond the seen? At least anything that concern me other then electricty and atoms? This view doesn't make me jump for joy but doesn't depress me other then I feel like I need to decide to stop looking ( if I only could) Is it all philisophical jargon but doesn't stand in 'reality' I don't pray like I used to, am I talking to myself, and who or what am I talking to. I do meditate. Do we not have the right to understand our own existence? Is there anything more then survival? All the masters cry 'yes.. yes!' And now I begin to say, 'i don't know...' maybe its not as great as we would like to think. Some of these words sound like enlightened teachers from some. Well the cypher (from the matrix) in me says' I choose the matrix' Then the neo in me says what if theres more. And this battle continues because neo isn't dead, and either is cypher, and trinity won't say anything. I would assume that morpheus is smiling in the corner with his child like faith that I don't want to listen to anymore. And so it is and thus is the battle of the ego. And is this IT. I would like not to think so but have no other real experience to say otherwise. Cypher says thats it. Neo says 'no wait somebody is going to email the list and tell you where you stand and tell you that this is a good step' Then cypher says' NO quit believing in all of morpheus's crap. I am not depressed. Love your cursed seeker and brother Mike
p.s. my age is 24 and recently married to a wonderful girl who understand me. if this sheds light on my position in life.
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