To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/29 00:06
Subject: [K-list] To Susan
From: Cleocatras
On 2001/01/29 00:06, Cleocatras posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Susan,
What happened with Jana seems a long time ago... my choices might be
different now. But Goddess has her way regardless... it may have been some
other foolish one instead of me!
I would say, I had no idea what I should have done, I just did it, it was my
own selfishness to not be impartial. I labored over it, and it was the best I
could decide at the time.
In comparison to my brother, that one moment of that felt like I had much to
do with it...
But by telling the stories, (and there is one more), as varied and
contrasting as they might appear or not appear... its the only way I can lend
a hand now.
The last one is about... another Kathy, who I met mostly on the phone... I
could always here the tinkling glass in the background... and then one day
she didnt answer, I stopped by to see if she was all right. Two big huge leaf
bags were piled at the door - all wine bottles. hmmm.
She lost her home, her cats died, and she moved to a cheaper place... I
talked to her occasionally... and then a little more often as almost a year
had then gone by. She asked me to call at a certain time a few days later, so
that we could meet and celebrate her birthday with a birthday dinner. It was
obvious there was no one but me to ask, and I said okay...
I had been out on the designated day and got home about 20 minutes late, so I
called right away... there was no answer. I kept trying most of that evening
off and on, and I was uncomfortable that I hadnt asked for her new address...
Well, while I was calling she evidently had decided sometime within that 20
minutes, that I was not going to call and had turned off just the ringer of
her phone. While I was making my "ringless" calls, she was off the wagon and
on another binge... dont really know the story past that, except that they
found her dead several days later.
And of course, the family had heard my three messages on the answering
machine that was turned way down low, and the ringer was off...
So, the third story, I had no way to stop it, except to have maybe called 20
minutes earlier....
There is another case of a manic depressant I knew who was in and out of
in-patient care... I was very young and foolish then and saved him in the
middle of committing suicide, three times...I will spare you of the gory
details... The last time though, he made absolutely certain I couldnt help
him, and he still called me to tell me.
So where do I draw the line in helping? After a while it stands out a little
better... Goddess arranges it where there is nothing a person can do. It
happens eventually, no matter what.
I really believe, if Jana was supposed to die, she would have... no matter
what I did. Her child would never have been born, and maybe I would not have
been so compelled, or maybe...
I would have never even met her... (Amy would have then had one less story to
read).
The only clue I had about Jana is that she knew me very very well and she
clearly let me know she was still drinking. I was sure at the time, that I
was the only one who knew. That one thing alone, put me in "the hotseat". A
part of her knew exactly what I would do, and maybe before I even knew.
When someone slams on the brakes in right in front of you, I guarantee you
will put your foot on your brake. I know it seems it is your own self
interests when you do it, too, but the person directly in front is also
hoping that you do.
Is this free will?
Cat
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