To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/04 03:21
Subject: Re: [K-list] silent ones
From: Garner1969
On 2001/01/04 03:21, Garner1969 posted thus to the K-list:
> > i truly wish to hear from those of you who live with awakened k and
> > listen in on this list but keep your thoughts to yourselves...
> > i have seen/experienced/felt/lived many amazing moments that may/or
> > not/be k induced....
> please write...
> > i thank you
Hmmm, thanks for the invitation.
I joined the list hoping to learn how to care for myself better through my
own kundalini transformations, and to find company.
I do feel that I am being changed, sort
of "re-wired".
I've had inflammatory arthritis since I was
13?, affecting the spine primarily, and I had
lost all mobility in my lower back.
Exhaustion was a normal state for me
that wasn't relieved by rest, and chronic pain management
was something I unfortunately had
to learn about.
I also had what I thought was "restless legs syndrome",
which sounds like it should be kind of interesting or funny but it
isn't when you wake up feeling like you've just got to kick your bedsheets
silly or else your legs will explode. When it also feels that kicking your
legs
like that may shatter your lower back which is permanently immobile...
:-(
I started doing very yang kinds of exercise- first in a
boxing class for women, and then vigorous martial arts-
with a caring instructor who understood that I wasn't going to be able to
take certain kinds of falls etc. I was desperate to address my lack of
assertiveness and to address my ever-increasing levels of physical disability.
I was aware that fear was a constant experience for me, related
I assume to some previous experiences of violence.
I wanted to feel more confident
and safe in the world; I didn't know if it was possible for me.
I had what was then called post-traumatic stress disorder, and
in the face of anything threatening, I dissociated.
This was not a workable life strategy.
Through that martial arts training, I got back much lost mobility
and gained a lot of confidence... I think martial arts training
was powerful therapy for 1st chakra issues, second and third chakra too.
I wasn't using the kundalini
paradigm to understand my experiences back then.
Alongside this physical martial arts training
went much work on assertiveness and confidence in my
interpersonal relationships. Learning to handle conflict. I was
very good at soothing angry people and finding ways to avoid
conflict, but I did not know how to stand my ground and have a fight
when it was necessary.
Anyway, I could go on and on. I do hatha yoga and recently began
with kundalini yoga. With the k-yoga I got relief
from the restless legs syndrome
plus I am starting to have energy like I haven't known since
I was a teenager, before I got sick. I don't do
too much with the breathing and meditation
in kundalini yoga, since those things don't at the moment seem useful,
but the physical strengthening offered by k-yoga
specifically designed to help me/strengthen my body through this
kundalini process has been invaluable. I didn't know a body
could change so quickly, as mine has recently.
I started jogging last summer, and that amazes me too.
I used to be so exhausted that I was genuinely nonfunctional.
Now a half-hour run is a normal thing.
These days my flexibility is such that
I can bend over with straight legs and place my hands flat on the floor.
I remember when it was excruciatingly painful to touch my knees
and my partner had to help me out of bed... I feared I'd be in a
wheelchair.
My food preferences have entirely transformed... effortless
vegetarianism (occasional fish) and I knew something strange
was happening when suddenly chocolate seemed "too heavy".
I haven't sworn off anything, I am just attracted to/repelled by
different foods. I have a horrible history with food, excess weight and
body image, but that stuff seems to be largely in my past.
I have lost about ninety pounds along the way.
I am tending not to want to share so much about the gee-whiz spiritual
stuff, since I rarely find it helpful to read accounts of other
people's experiences. In my own life, I have found that it is hard work
on practical problems that has made the gee-whiz stuff possible;
I would say to anyone else, don't waste your time longing
for spiritual experiences you aren't having, or dwelling on the ones
you have had. Focus on solving your problems, physical and emotional
and interpersonal, with all the commitment and patience you can muster.
Don't expect the kundalini or spiritual experiences to accomplish these
kinds of healings for you. Learn, do the work. You are facilitating your
own awakening when you tackle your problems directly.
So it seems more important to me here to focus
on the nuts-and-bolts parts of my own experiences.
I do one twice-daily practice that I find completely essential, and that is
to write
dialogues with my Higher Self and get guidance about how I need
to live and heal and grow. I have done this for about nine years now.
My Higher Self guides me as to which practices and life decisions
wil help me and which are not right for me.
Lately I find that I can dialogue with
the kundalini itself- it seems to be conscious enough
at this point for this kind of work to be possible.
My Higher Self and kundalini are parts of me, but by giving them
voices as if they are other, I am able to engage with
them consciously and let them guide and inform my life decisions
in ways that will help my growth and development and make me more
effective in my life's work.
Well, the stuff I didn't talk about is considerable; like the ongoing
adventure
of learning to accept/express my sexuality (BDSM), my
work. Lots o stuff around just learning to be
more "me" in the course of my daily life. I have a lot more energy
for my adventures now, I have got a different life. I am having to learn
how to live this different life!
Serena
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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