To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/03 19:11
Subject: [K-list] upper back stuff..
From: Cleocatras
On 2001/01/03 19:11, Cleocatras posted thus to the K-list:
Yesterday,
I was telling my brother for the first time about some of the so called
"psychic experiences" I have had, and for the first time, he felt like an old
familiar spirit connecting from way back, as he became totally fascinated and
any request to validate what I was claiming was not even an issue ... it was
so nice ... after many years of shared childhood abuse we have struck a chord
of pure union against the perpetuation of those lies of the past, and my
heart sprung up into the very core of him, and we knew we had something -- in
our eagerness to tell family stories over again one more time, we finally
sensed the peace and the calm in knowing we both knew and understood it for
each other -- the validations were the ultimate act of brother/sister love,
empathy and protection of what is yet to come from our yet living abuser
parents...
Near death experiences were a weekly event in my house, and to tell my
brother how I could come and go from my body as I pleased, no physical
torture could take any part of the "Real Me," while only validated my
superior function over those who betrayed me... I could hear his joy of
healing in between the chords of his breathing on the phone, as he realized
he did not have to blame himself any more that he was too young and
vulnerable to protect me ... he was robbed of so much more than me, just to
watch and not be able to do anything...
What he didn't know, what that I was totally free of it, except for the
betrayals, and that in fact, I had a self image of pride that I could take on
the those life-threatening blows -- it was a ritual of love for my siblings,
and one that probably literally kept me alive many times over... Submitting
to Goddess, that she would not let me slip by, because in my death and
absence my brother or sister would suffer. I felt my affirmation to this
pledge was that I never had to feel much of the pain of it...
During this time, there was a young man who loved me unconditionally. I had
hidden the family sickness from him all so well all through most of the first
three years, 8th, 9th, 10th grades... At the end of my sophomore and into my
junior years came the sexual abuse and I found myself wanting to act out in
those peculiar ways that kids do from this ... losing grasp of societal
boundaries, I could feel that promiscuity creeping in and about to steal my
self control... I fought it, but needed desperately to act out, and after
several months of contemplation, knew I would not be able, in my tender age,
to self-contain the nightmare, I felt like a can of worms...
I was so concerned that the can would break and those worms would end up
breaking my young boy's heart, that I broke it off with the one person in my
life who never once mistreated me -- John -- who had been and done
everything the way you always dreamt it should be ... in its utmost
perfection ... to this day, I still contemplate in a fairy tale wonderment
how someone that young could have been so mature, so flawless...
And I left it... I decided that was the only way to keep it unspoiled, unhurt
and untouched by the monsters he hadn't known about, (the pedophile and the
sociopath) and that to ever *know* them was to torture him beyond where I
ever wished to take him, as sure as I knew his love for me. After several
months of thinking, in an act of faith, I gave him back to himself, hoping
and asking that Goddess would bring him back to me later, unspoiled, with the
same innocent "no baggage" loving someday.
Well ... John took this very, very hard. I pretended to ignore him so he
could get past it more easily, I was really on my own as a 17 year old that
never knew a day of normal living trying to figure what was best for him ...
and then I thought he would be okay when he started going out with "the guys"
and friends about a week before our graduation ... and then it happened ...
at the entrance of the subdivision on the main road, I heard it. It was so
spine curdling, I sensed it sucked the breath right out of the birds and took
the wind right out of the trees, so clear I remember, those 10 seconds of
pure lifeless silence following the crash... The two new friends were
instantly dead, John was rushed to the hospital, the news of who, was kept
from me until his mother called me from the hospital ... that there was not
enough time to get me there ... and to my amazement that seemed to be the
only thing on her mind. In the intensity of the moment, I told her I knew how
to be instantly. And I was...
In my silence and awareness of being there with him I gave him all those
reasons why I had sent him away, which his awareness had already reached that
point of knowing, even giving his mother some sense of it, and minutes later
he died, but never left me...
The feeling of him is almost always with me, nurturing me back to who I
should have been all along, for all these years trying to arrive there ...
and during the very toughest times, I even hear his voice and catch a glimpse
of My Guardian Angel John, in the deepest corner of my eye, if I squint and
turn quick enough...
But, the favorite thing he likes to do to let me know his presence, is to
give me a fluffy fuzzy sensation in the upper middle of my back. Goddess has
kept his love innocent and unspoiled just the way I had asked for him to be
after all...
And, as I told my brother last night ... if you feel that fluffy sensation on
your spine just above your shoulder blades, at the base of the back of your
neck, you know it is your guardian angel saying, "I'm here." My brother was
in bliss to hear this whole story, and how I learned how to "know" things,
and that I did not lose my John after all...
Blessings in all things,
Cat
aka Cleocatra
Subject: Re: upper back stuff(:
I too have found the upper back to be an area of activity and, more
often, a certain feeling of vulnerability. I think it may have to do
with a tattoo I got there ten or so years ago which might have opened
certain energy centers, or with a past life in which my chest area was
unfortunately (and vividly-recalled) shot or exploded. Any ideas
here? Some woman said that she could see that I had a lot of
kundalini energy 'around the back of the heart', and I get frustrated
that sometimes I do not know what's going on how.(:
best wishes
mrssquitty(: and crew...
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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