To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/03 10:51
Subject: [K-list] Re: Update on my path and thanks to All.
From: nancy
On 2001/01/03 10:51, nancy posted thus to the K-list:
Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
> It may surprise you to know, that my own primary relationship is
> an
> arranged marriage. Arranged by Goddess, but still... not the person
> I'd
> have chosen for myself in my romantic daydreams,
Hi Angelique and all you k-listers,
I, like you, had fought all my life looking for Mr. Right. I didn't have
an internal ideal, exactly. Just sometimes I would click with someone,
fall madly in love, and then systematically try to change all the
qualities of him that didn't mesh with me.
I lived in Minnesota for 9 years while I went to college and was first
married. I have returned here for the past two weeks to be with my mom
while she died. (This is a whole other subject which I don't feel like
writing about today.) Anyway, at the funeral was this man I had dated
when I was in college. He said that he attended the funeral because he
wanted to see me at least one more time. I was so surprised to see him
that I tripped over some people next to him. I haven't seen him in more
than 14 years.
I loved Dave so much...as much as a 20 year old is capable of. The
problem was that I needed to possess him to love him. I couldn't let him
be who he wanted to be. I wanted him to be someone different. I nagged
him. I criticized him. I withheld myself from him. Finally, the love
that we shared shriveled up, and he moved on. A few months later, I met
my ex-husband. I was extremely attracted to him, but now wonder if I
knew him enough to love him. Maybe Dave and I could have been happy if I
hadn't been so demanding. Maybe if I had spent more time with Ross, I
wouldn't have married him.
When I saw Dave yesterday in the audience while I gave my eulogy, I saw
him beaming from ear to ear. He was so happy to see me, proud of me and
who I had become. It was like he realized that the experience that we
shared somehow forged me into the person I have become today. He
remembered some things about us that I had forgotten. That surprised me
that I still held a place in his heart.
It was gratifying for me to realize that I did learn from the past. In
my latest relationship, I never tried to change my boyfriend. In fact, I
went overboard the other way. I let him be just the way he was even when
his behavior was disrespectful and inconsiderate of me. The new year
will be a time for balance.
I also realize that I want someone in my life who can love me fully like
my mother did. She never really understood me, but she accepted me and
loved me completely. Maybe I'll never find a mate who can be this way,
and if I don't, I'll still count myself lucky for having had that kind
of love once in my life.
Angelique, you once said that you finally said that you weren't going to
look for Mr. Right. If you were going to meet someone, he'd have to come
knocking on your door. I threw that concept out to the universe once,
and my former boyfriend did indeed come knocking on my door. Problem was
he didn't want to stay in! So now I'm throwing out a new challenge: I
want someone to knock on my door and stay with me!
I have more rambling thoughts today about love and romance, but I'll
save them for another day. Blessings and happy new year to all.
Nancy
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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