To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/02 13:27
Subject: [K-list] Update on my path and thanks to All.
From: Chris Seidel

Hello Everybody,

 I'm going through alot right now.

 Often, I feel so contradicted inside of myself. I am at odds in
seeing love and truth for what it really is.

 On the one hand I was given a spouse through my church who is
warm, compassionate, and has an ultimately very loving heart. Yet I
feel so arrogant in not wanting a marriage that was "arranged" by my
church, and feeling my belief in what marriage should be to be different
from what the church projects and advocates.

 In my greatest moments of clarity, I feel I made the right decision in
telling Jenny that I wanted to "break" the blessing with her.
Yet a part of me feels I am engaging in negative pleasure, denying myself
the potential joy of having a relationship with someone who is obviously a
very good person, drop dead gorgeous (in my opinion), and "committed" to
"building love" in the relationship.

 Not to mention the fact that I was raised my whole life to believe
to cherish this "one love of my life," for the rest of eternity. It seems
like I am killing a beautiful ideal. I feel like shit in that I am killing
something which is beautiful, apart from all the church bullshit. I have a
good friend too who seems to be very happy in a relaitonship, even though
his spouse originally had a completely different faith (his wife thought the
church was all dat and a bag of chips, and he couldn't give a damn, and
still doesn't ... and they seem
very happy...like love is all that counts)

 I ask you all, what is true love?

 Am I really just killing a part of myself, in just going with the flow
of life, the circumstances of my upbringing and the ideals that were an
extension of that lifestyle, giving all that up in what seems to
me like a somewhat self-righteous hope in "living in my truth," which will
surely spell more challenge and difficulty in my life...

 With my parents, my peers, myself... . A part of me feels so much
like I am self-righteously alienating myself, even as I grow more confident
in what my beliefs are.

 Maybe I didn't give enough effort (its been almost a year) in
"building" love in this relationship. Maybe I'm just fooling myself in
thinking that love is something else...that even though she doesn't love me
and want to be sexually intimate (we're not even talking having sex
now)...that I just have to be more patient....for love is patient and love
is kind...and I just have to be more patient.... That even though she is
very "church-grounded" and my beliefs more closely mirror those of our
glorious domin8rex, we can work things out, for love is what counts only in
the end, right??

Right??

I'm not completely buying my words.

Are any of you????

Love always and forevermore,

your brother,

Chris.
_____________

http://www.kundalini-gateway.org

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