To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/30 18:34
Subject: [K-list] Re: asking for healing energy
From: Fredaann
On 2000/12/30 18:34, Fredaann posted thus to the K-list:
Back on the 21st I wrote the list asking for healing energies, within hours my monitor screen went
blank... I used to knock my puters into unconsciousness on a regular basis but nothing that couldn't
be fixed, this time there was nothing that could be done but wait for a replacement to show up, which
it did this morning, as a gift from a neighbor who had been good enough this year for santa to bring her
a whole new system...
I see by my inbox that I have a great many list members to reply to personally, but I wanted to send
out a Thank You to all right away -
In spite of the fact that I was unable to accually read the responses I did get the energies sent... and
as it turns out I needed the boost more than I was aware I was.
How many times have people reminded me to be careful of what I wish for? hmmmm. Indeed.
These last couple of months have been a blur of emotion.... fear, sentiment, regrets, hope, anger,
overwhelming love that moved me to tears... and sadness that would do the same
sometimes all in the same day!
I had been locked into a circle of thoughts, round and
round and round like being stuck in a revolving door, getting nowhere at all. I needed some clarity...
that was what I hoped for, clairity...
what I got was a deluge of family.. not what I thought I had asked for at all..
but that is what god sent
My father and his wife and my oldest brother none of whom I have seen or spoken to in years, My mother, who hadn't spoken to my father in 38 years and her brother who I don't even know showed up at my dinky little apartment on dec 23rd.
They were not welcome, and they knew it... at least not a first they were not.
My youngest brother, Goose, who came to my rescue and took me to his home in Hawaii when I got
sick in November had listened to my garble and babble about how I believed that it was me, holding onto
issues of the past that had first tried to wipe myself out with cancer... twice... and now
was giving me another wake up call with the brain tumor...
Well, to my face, Goose tried to reason with me that this was .... illogical...
But once I was back home in Washington he thought about it... and decided to bring the family together
'just in case' his new logic is that 'it couldnt hurt' seeing as the doctors can't do much what would be the harm? So he gifted me and the family to a holiday none of us would have asked for... I know I sure didn't
have it on my wish list...
I was basking in the light of K-list well wishes when they arrived, even though I was unable to read them, I knew they would be there : ) I was feeling okay about letting god deal with it... unlike before, when I took it upon myself, bybassing god... seems that only bought me time...
My mother and uncle stayed at a hotel for 5 days... she tried to the best of her ability to be open and frank with me, she believes I will die... soon... My father and brother, they never said as much, but their
out of the blue honesty says 'to me' that they too think they dont have much time to set the record strait.
and I am struggling with not being overly confident and go off practicing my 'I told you so' speach too soon. heehee.... maybe I will die... this doesnt frighten me, I expect to someday, but I would much rather
leave this wonderful playground with as little baggage to haul in with me the next time around as I can...
if I made agreements with these folks then I would like to compleate the task for all our sakes.... stuffing them away till it kills us somehow doesnt seem the honerable thing to do...
we did alot of unstuffing... stuff is exploded all over the place, what a mess...
but it is okay...
funny thing is I dont feel sick, I dont even feel threatened,
what I do feel is foolish ....
Another thing people keep reminding me of is that God knows best....
as opposed to freda knows best.
Too much to write here... lots of information, lots to put to rest... making a long story short... I have a lot further to go than I thought I did in reaching forgiveness. I can sit with these people who pushed me to my limits of tollerance, and beyond, and the anger I feel in their presence isn't directed towards them, but towards myself.
I can love me... but that isnt the same as forgiving... me.
I go back on the 26thof January for another scan of my head... the doc wants to see what the rate of growth is...
although these kind of tumors are not uncommon at my age, they usually grow and spread rather quickly, yet, the symptoms have have been with me for at least 10 years, the rate of growth doesnt seem to be that fast, IMO, but the doc wont go so far as to say this is a 'good' sign,
I do. I see it as really good news.... confirmation that I am in no hurry to do myself in : )
I dont know yet, what, if anything, I or anyone else can do at this point for the long term so I have
instead been doing the simplest thing I know to do....
thank god for everything... family, food, friends, my health... which is excelent...
even for a stubbed toe this morning... that, because I was aware of having stubbed it... back when I
got sick I was unaware of anything for a time, being aware is better by far than not being aware, then
I quickly gave thanks for having not being aware when I did get sick... silly perhaps to not know which is
truely better but a simple enough excersise in surrender...
starting small....
Thanks for being here, all the time, not just in my time of need.
freda
ICQ 71294625
http://www.geocities.com/beamism/selfbless.html
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