To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/17 15:37
Subject: Re: [K-list] empathy...
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2000/12/17 15:37, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 06:33 AM 12/17/00, mistressofthe8thhouse wrote:
>Dear Mystress Angelique,
>
>You have my empathy and my heartfelt blessings. I KNOW what it is to come
>from a family where you so desparately want to "belong, and not be
>considered the "family freak" ( as I was so often referred to as) The best
>gift my family could give me for Christmas would be unconditional love and
>acceptance. I know in my heart of hearts, however, that this will never
>happen. They look upon my lifestyle with disdain, when in reality they are
>far more dysfuntional than I could ever hope to be.
Grateful to know I am not alone, in this.. Thankyou. Guess I knew it
already, it motivates my Activism.. filming a documentary 5 years ago, I
said, "A closet is no place to have a life".. on national television... nor
is a pigeonhole.. I spent so many years trying to whittle my square
pegged-ness to fit in the round holes, to gain acceptance.. the futility of
it finally made me go the other way, so embrace my corners and exaggerate
them ...
>My involvement in BDSM saved my soul, and quite possibly my life. The
>realization that the world is full of "freaks" like me was very empowering.
>I no longer felt alone, and for the first time in my life I began to know
>what it was to love myself.
Me too! Finally finding my Tribe.. true kin. Salvation.
Tho I often feel like I still don't fit in the BDSM word either,
because of my spirituality... and there are times in years past when I was
told and felt that I don't fit in the K-list either, because of my
sexuality.. it has been an issue to some folks, sometimes.. painful
rejection. Yesterday some well meaning soul, a Tantra teacher wrote to me
telling me I should get into Tantra.. ROTFLOL!!! I guess he assumed that an
SM person could not be a tantric adept.. I reminded him that it is part of
the nature of Tantra to break through cultural taboos.
If I follow those thoughts of alienation for too long I get aliens in
my head telling me to go have my DNA tested so they can prove to me that
I'm not wholly human. I have not done it, and I cannot decide if it is
because I really don't want to know how un-human I really am, I don't want
that validation.. or if it is because if I found out I really am all human
I would be disappointed.. LOL!! Stranger in a Strange Land.. Be here now..
> For me. I now know that the path I have chosen,
>is the path that was intended for me. While it hurts that I am the "black
>sheep" of the family, I realize that I AM a warm and loving person and that
>my familys lack of acceptance is THEIR loss indeed.
YES. Goddess dragged me kicking and screaming al the way, i did not
want to own my sadistic nature and control needs. I understand exactly
where you are coming from, and it is a comfort to revel in rebel.. but the
inner child.. still has longings..
>I can empathize with you here sweetie. Totally. I still am very cautious
>about what I reveal to people. I feel that any type of disclosure can be
>used as ammunition in the future. I also view asking for help as a sign of
>vulnerability/weakness that is going to be exploited. The walls I have built
>are huge. Interpersonal realtionships are very difficult for me....at least
>on an intimate level. Self-preservation can be very lonely indeed.
Indeed.. some folks have interpreted my talking about myself as
narcissism.. yes, it is that, but it is also an ongoing challenge I give to
myself, to go against the fear of exposure. Richard Bach said "Live, never
to be ashamed if anything you say or do is broadcast around the world..
even if what is said, is not true." I read that 20 years ago and felt the
resonance of Truth.. An ideal I still strive for.. and I'm not there,
yet... there is still pain of being judged and misunderstood.
>I wore a "mask" for my family for years. I played my "role" for so long, and
>SOO convincingly, that I was actually becoming unsure of who I REALLY was.
>I finally got to the point where pretending to be something I wasn't was
>making me physically ill.
YES!!! One would think it would be so easy to play the game and
pretend.. but I cannot. The mask is gone into the light and if I try to
create it again Shakti pushes it out and turns it into it's opposite.
Acting out.. Ego death ate my acting ability, and I cannot pretend anymore.
>By doing this, I was merely allowing their
>self-perpetuating cycle of abuse to continue. I decided that I do not want
>to teach my children that they have to hide who they truely are. I want them
>to have a healthy level of self-esteem and realize that self-love and
>self-acceptance are far more important than the opinions of others. I pray
>to the Goddess daily that I will be blessed with the strength and the wisdom
>to teach my sons the valuable lessons it has taken me a lifetime to learn.
that is so beautiful...:)
>I always became helpless like that around my step-father. I was his "victim"
>for so many years, that I subconsciously got into character whenever he was
>around. I am fortunate in that he is no longer a part of my immediate
>family. Still, the scars he left are very deep.
My parents have realized that the way they raised their children
would get them thrown in jail, today.. their guilt is horrible, and I see
how it destroys them. For me, it is forgiven, I understand they did the
best they could, for what they knew... I just want them to grow old in peace.
I wish that I could talk about it with them, tho.. find resolution
but they still become very defensive when the topic comes up. They want to
just forget it ever happened and they don't understand that their children
need to speak of it, to heal.
>There is always hope :-)
Above the gates of Hell in Dante, it says "Abandon all hope, ye who
enter here." It took me a long time to understand that is actually
excellent advice, for travelling the underworld. In Hades, hope shows it's
darkside polarity: fear of the future and desire to control outcomes.. hope
is not surrender.. Goddess, forgive me the weakness of Hoping.
> Just remember that you are a beautiful person. You
>have triumphed in spite of adversity. What you have achieved, they cannot
>take away from you.
>
>Have a wonderful holiday, and best of luck with your family .
>
>Warmest blessings,
>Lady Scorpianna
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I will try to remember.
(In my head Yoda says "There is no try, do or do not".. my shadow side
is a tough teacher, persistently showing polarities.. tough teacher for a
stubborn student.. that is Me. )
Blessings.....
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