To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/17 13:58
Subject: Re: [K-list] Sensitive to Whom?
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2000/12/17 13:58, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 04:53 AM 12/17/00, Christel aka Christabelle67 wrote:
>Sensitive to Whom?
>Could it possibly be that we are actually sensitive more so to
>ourself, and that another person who emanates such strong feelings is
>all but a reflection in the mirror of self?
Ahhh.. it is not that I do not understand this, very very well.. it is
what I teach, "Surrender", and "change the world by changing inside of
yourself." Cosmic truths that serve me so well in other places, but here
they all fall down. If that was working for me, then you would not be
hearing of my misery.. but I have been trying to heal it within myself for
so long, and it is a no-go. On the phone the other day, percyval heard me
literally banging my head against a wall in sheer frustration. It would be
so much easier if I could just meditate it all away, rather than fearing
confrontation..
There comes a point where that attitude is as dysfunctional as the
abused child who suffers guilt and pain because they blame themselves for
being the subject of abuse. Feeling that they must be a terrible person or
their parents would not beat them, that "if only" they were "better", more
loveable, more compliant, more attractive.... been there done that.
Sure, if only I were more enlightened, more compassionate, more
detached, more patient, more self accepting.. then I would not suffer,
right? It is all my fault, I did it to myself.. if only I had not been so
weak as to need a mask, as a child then my family would have should have
could have.. If only I were not so weak, now, if only I could speak my
mind, if only if only.. it must be me, my flaws, my problems.. and after
years of not having it, my excema is returning. I am horrified to see it
coming back, self criticism is the cause.. looking for the flaws inside of
myself is making me ill.
I have been looking inward since I was so young, I was 15 when I read
Richard Bach's "Illusions": "Change the world by changing inside of
yourself" and "if your happiness depends on what someone else does, then
you do have a problem". I know it, and it is not helping. I have done the
best I can, for 20+ years, with looking inward.
Finally I have to come to terms with the ugly naked truth that I cannot
heal this within myself. I feel that if Goddess won't take it, then it must
be a gift from Her, to motivate me to acting. Action is required, and my
clinging to the idea that I can meditate it all away becomes just another
form of resistance. The pain came from dysfunctions that were present
before I was born, and I chose to be born into them, perhaps it was so
that I could bring healing to the whole situation.. At this point, your
telling me to work it out within is as foolish and shortsighted as telling
a woman in labor not to scream, a baby not to cry..
> I have read much on how empaths want to stop this empathy, I ask why?
No.. I have never said that. I remember well, the awful loneliness of
"spiritual winter" when I was 19 and the empathy stopped for several years.
I have found so many silver linings in it...the blessed power to
heal.. even the tornado shield that is a mercy, cuts me off from the
blessed intuitive awareness of my environment and I always dismantle it
again.. Empathy is a very great gift, I am never really alone.. but I
cannot deny that it can also be painful, and pray for mercy...
>KNOWING THINE SELF is the KEY to EMPATHY.
Yeah, I AM All that IS.. and so all the pain of the whole world is
mine.. and if I cannot handle it, then it is my problem.. and this camels
spine snaps under the weight like a dry twig.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts.. they are a reflection of where I
am at.. but it does not help to know it is MY problem. I know that already,
I said so.. but just gives me a rash... clawing at myself to remove the
flaw, trying to scratch it out.. Yesterday I was having an odd vision of
taking a scalpel to my own eye.. when I wondered at the meaning, I got
something biblical, "if thine eye offends thee, scratch it out".. and where
would that leave me? Being self destructive is not the answer... no man is
an island, yet we are all totally alone in a universe of our own creation.
Goddess was lonely, so She made US.. to be with each other, in this world
of illusions. I am not an island, I am part of an interconnected web of
creation.
Blessings...
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