To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/17 12:22
Subject: Re: [K-list] empathy...
From: Druout

In a message dated 12/16/00 10:14:01 PM Pacific Standard Time,
MystressATnospamkundalini-gateway.org writes:

 [  I mentioned to my older sister once that I remembered myself to be a
very quiet child... I could not remember myself speaking.  She laughed in
my face]

Dear Angelique, List,

It seems to me that even the most loving families are somewhat dysfunctional.
 Patterns are forged over those early years that are almost *impossible* to
break.  Our parents and siblings know our emotional core so well and know
exactly what buttons to press.  Older siblings, especially, have generally
enjoyed for years that sense of *power* that they have had over their younger
sisters and brothers.  They are not going to willingly surrender it.

And we know that we can't change "the other guy"--that they have to do that
themselves--we can only change how we respond to them--hopefully changing the
patterns.  

The trouble is that siblings/parents know us so well that when then can't get
a rise from us they simply raise the stakes until they do.  And this, of
course, in turn causes even more pain when we realize we have failed to fend
off the attack.  
The joke is that in giving pain, they are causing themselves pain--so in a
sense it is the victim who is always winning the battle.

My suggestion is to accept that no matter what you do, that you will succumb
to old patterns.  And, just as when one accepts pain the pain is lessened, so
when you accept it will happen, it will lose part of its emotional power over
you.
 
I suspect that your sister now senses your superior power and will do what
she can to regain her *superiority*.  

The positive part of all this is that as the stakes are raised, one can look
at it all objectively and learn where the vulnerabilities lie--and hopefully
find some humor in it.

Sending love,

Love, Hillary

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