To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/17 07:33
Subject: Re: [K-list] empathy...
From: mistressofthe8thhouse
On 2000/12/17 07:33, mistressofthe8thhouse posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Mystress Angelique,
You have my empathy and my heartfelt blessings. I KNOW what it is to come
from a family where you so desparately want to "belong, and not be
considered the "family freak" ( as I was so often referred to as) The best
gift my family could give me for Christmas would be unconditional love and
acceptance. I know in my heart of hearts, however, that this will never
happen. They look upon my lifestyle with disdain, when in reality they are
far more dysfuntional than I could ever hope to be.
> Abusers create abusers and the cycle continues. It can only be broken
> with awareness. I am so grateful that Goddess led me to the BDSM scene so
I
> could come to terms with the sadist inside of myself, and give it a
> consensual outlet. I am a much, much gentler person than I was before I
got
> into exploring this in 1992. I wish I could share this wisdom with my
> siblings but their ears are closed. They project their own sadism onto me
> and it hurts.. and I don't fight back because hurting them in turn is not
> consensual... and because of the berserker effect that makes me become a
> helpless child again.
My involvement in BDSM saved my soul, and quite possibly my life. The
realization that the world is full of "freaks" like me was very empowering.
I no longer felt alone, and for the first time in my life I began to know
what it was to love myself. For me. I now know that the path I have chosen,
is the path that was intended for me. While it hurts that I am the "black
sheep" of the family, I realize that I AM a warm and loving person and that
my familys lack of acceptance is THEIR loss indeed.
>
> I wish, I wish that my family could understand.. but I learned very
> young not to tell them anything that happened in my life, because it would
> always be turned into a weapon to hurt me with. Not to ask for help.. They
> know almost nothing of who I really am, it was not safe for me to show
> myself. I never said anything about the often terrifying spiritual
> experiences I was having, or the terrible problems I had as a misfit in
> school, or, or or..
I can empathize with you here sweetie. Totally. I still am very cautious
about what I reveal to people. I feel that any type of disclosure can be
used as ammunition in the future. I also view asking for help as a sign of
vulnerability/weakness that is going to be exploited. The walls I have built
are huge. Interpersonal realtionships are very difficult for me....at least
on an intimate level. Self-preservation can be very lonely indeed.
> It is even more painful because they do not want to know the woman I
> have become, they want to see the person I pretended to be.. and that
> person is dead and gone into the light. But she lives on, in their minds,
> in the projections and expectations that they hold... and I am more
> vulnerable to that, than they can comprehend.
I wore a "mask" for my family for years. I played my "role" for so long, and
SOO convincingly, that I was actually becoming unsure of who I REALLY was.
I finally got to the point where pretending to be something I wasn't was
making me physically ill. By doing this, I was merely allowing their
self-perpetuating cycle of abuse to continue. I decided that I do not want
to teach my children that they have to hide who they truely are. I want them
to have a healthy level of self-esteem and realize that self-love and
self-acceptance are far more important than the opinions of others. I pray
to the Goddess daily that I will be blessed with the strength and the wisdom
to teach my sons the valuable lessons it has taken me a lifetime to learn.
>
> On my own I am fine, but around my family I become again, the helpless
> child who cannot say no or defend herself... still alive and in so much
> pain. I am the second youngest of 5 kids.. my younger brother was the baby
> of the family, we all protected him.. but nobody protected me... and I
> dared not show I needed protecting because any vulnerability only
attracted
> more abuse.
I always became helpless like that around my step-father. I was his "victim"
for so many years, that I subconsciously got into character whenever he was
around. I am fortunate in that he is no longer a part of my immediate
family. Still, the scars he left are very deep.
>
> A few years ago I made a leap of faith, and tired to speak to my other,
> oldest sister about my UFO experiences.. hoping the pattern had changed..
> but it has not. Since then she gives me verbal and emotional abuse about
> it (or anything else) almost every chance she gets, and when she decides
to
> lash out at me I am sick for days afterwards. Yet she insists she is not
> sadistic... not abusive.
It is very sad indeed when people lash out at the ones who love (or want to)
love them. It is a shame that your sister doesn't realize that you are a
beautiful person, and that your love for her could be a wonderful gift, not
a burden. It has always hurt me that people miss out on some very beautiful
relationships because of their rigidity and pre-concieved notions about
things.
> Old scars reopened afresh.. hopefully to be finally healed. Dare I
> hope? I have been struggling for years, to heal it within myself, but
> finally it seems like it is not really mine, anymore.. it comes of family
> dynamics and expectations. Projections.
There is always hope :-) Just remember that you are a beautiful person. You
have triumphed in spite of adversity. What you have achieved, they cannot
take away from you.
Have a wonderful holiday, and best of luck with your family .
Warmest blessings,
Lady Scorpianna
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