To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/13 09:27
Subject: [K-list] What was all That ?!
From: J B
On 2000/12/13 09:27, J B posted thus to the K-list:
Hi
I do not quite know how to formulate my question,.. but
perhaps 'what's all this, .. or what was the point of that,.. that
passed away in a flash ?!'.
The following is not a sharing of an ecstatic and glorious kundalini
happening, but to clarify this question, I'll have to use a life-
story.
If you consider personal life-stories, as mere indulgence in ego-
glorification or self-pity and look upon them with detachement and as
worthless, then perhaps it would be good to inform you that it would
probably be best, that you skip the rest.
After the death of my ex-wife, 1 month ago, at the invitation of her
sister, I was offered to look thru some of her things and take some,
if I so wished. She(her sister) also gave me a bag with various
things, which, upon coming home, I found to be many pictures taken
during our 25 years' firendship and some letters(from me), which
apparently my ex-wife thought them to be significant enough, to be
kept.
The contents of the letters, written 25 years ago, had a somewhat
shocking effect.
I was surprized by my indulgence in verbalization. My vocabulary was
very rich indeed, compared to my present one.
The content itself was quite horrifying. A mixture of 'love' with
lots of teasing bordering on sarcasm, ill intentions to hurt her,
manipulations of words .. much being infused with conceptual
knowledge of 'self-knowing, spirituality' used as a power-tool in
relating, and a certain amount of gross insults of a rather vicious
type.
All this, not a preety picture to look at, under the present
circumstances.
That certainly, was not 'love'.
(At least, not the kind that I've felt for her during the last some
years... where just by being, without demands, sharing life-Presence,
would be enough.)
It was a movement in ego-survival, pleasure, insecurity and all that
wrapped in a nice and arrogant and head-banging/heart-
stabbing, 'spiritual' jargon.
And now I got the feedBack.
And I wonder whether I have really changed..
Looking at the picutures, I was wondering(about JB) ..'Who was That,
and Who is This gray-haired with bigger belly, now ?'..
And who was that slim and smiling pretty person..? .. have I ever
really known/met her ?..
And who was the bloated-body (due to the medicine she got, against
cancer brain-pains ?)
whom I've seen during the last few weeks of her life ?
Some of the pictures, had parts cut off,.. in those pictures of
her,.. I noticed my arm around her shoulder, but I, was missing. I
suddenly was shocked into remembering that, it was I, who has done
the cutting,.. out of anger at the time of separation, 10 years ago.
And now I got the feedback.
What was all that ?!
Whatever it was, it has disappeared.
_Everything_ is apparently, slowly but surely and irreversibly,
Devoured.. by time.
Everything.. withers away !
When one looks at a life fragment, such as the above, it generates a
certain insecurity, ..
insecurity in the tradition of worshiping this 'me and mine'.
There seems to be No way, to Secure Anything.
What is really the point at using such tremendous amounts of energy,
attempting to do so ?
Everytime, a near one or even an acquaintance has died, the mirror
seems always to be stating:
'..you have missed the mark.. again,..
your priorities have been rather faulty, have'nt they..again,..
you have not really loved, have you,..
_again_ ?'
So, -What do we actually have ?
Perhaps only this moment, and the Mystery of all that is being
displayed before our eyes,.. at this moment, only.
And the possibility to love.
Without that, life is a flash of a desert
populated by floating-by zombies, whom
the I-zombie turns into objects of
I-meditation and kicking/grabbing and survival...
.. but which zombies, keep on evaporating and disappearing
into the heat of the sun..
perhaps with the exception of the I-zombie, who believes in
its immortality...
and keeps on being reborn,
again and again.
jb.
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