To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/08 00:14
Subject: [K-list] Voices - Clarification
From: Thrawn187
On 2000/12/08 00:14, Thrawn187 posted thus to the K-list:
Confusion!
I am... bloody hell, the title states that I will clarify
something, but the beginning of my message says otherwise. Talk about
self-sabotage.
I recently wrote a message about the voices I hear, although I
included a 'short' personal history before getting to the point. I
received a few responses that (no offense) were everything I expected.
I basically knew it already, but I had to ask. Ugh, even now I feel
the need to 'be a good person'. I will endeavor to be as honest as
possible, although I am no longer asking a question. Pardon any
cynicism or negative humor that might creep in, it's just my way of
distancing myself enough so I can actually write this.
My need to be a good person seems to be a serious character flaw.
It influences me enough to make foolish choices... and allow myself to
be influenced by even more foolish people. Well, I hesitate to call
them people. 'Beings' is the more polite reference, although other
descriptions also come to mind: systematized assholes, misery loves
company, etc. An old IRC friend referred to them as bobbies. Lately
I have taken to calling them specks.
For the most part they are simply voices and feelings... or
should I say thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they are voices, and
sometimes these thoughts take the form of images. They like
pretending to be something they aren't. They are NOT projections of
myself, or my shadow side. Imagine that I'm a great speaker and I
just said that last sentence with great force and charisma. :-) I'm
not, of course, but imagine it anyways.
Speck comments: compassion isn't strong, hate is strong. You're
a pedophile, and you raped me. Want to rape me again? Sorry daddy, I
didn't mean to... We're all going to rape her, what are you going to
do about it? Hey buddy, I'm just trying to help you. We're your
friends, how can you abuse us like this? It's just your imagination,
pay it no mind and talk with us some more. Hey mister, you're
responsible for it all (just popped into my head). Use your
compassion, let them go... let us go. Why are you keeping me here?
(and so I spend time wondering what I'm doing wrong :-) Silly, I'm
going to tickle you. Are you gay? Hey I've got friends, we're all
going to get you! Damn you look just like a little boy, you're so
childish!
They like pretending to be guides and enlightened types. Dead
relatives are also a favorite... shortly followed by "Sucker!" if I
actually buy into it. It's all for my own good of course, they're
just trying to make me strong. :-) Nowadays the only attention I
give them is a stream of profanity.
They have been with me for 14 months now, making comments during
nearly every waking moment. My doctor and psychologist have both
told me that I am not psychotic, though their opinion is that the
voices originate from my brain.
I have considered the possibility that what I hear (and feel) may
in fact just be unconscious aspects of myself, trying to get my
attention. I have clung to this at times, in the hope that it would
help me survive. It never worked, not once.
During one incident last spring, after hours of arguing,
screaming, and bitching at them, they basically told me that I was
arguing with myself, that I made those thoughts and feelings myself.
A slight interlude... one voice just told me I was insane. A
little while ago, while thinking about writing this message, I felt a
pain in the left side of my chest and heard a voice declare "I will
stab your heart!" I told it to go bugger itself. They've been
working hard the last couple hours, telling me it's all in my
imagination, that I'm unstable, that it won't help and they will
always win. I keep getting distracted by other thoughts which I
think are my own.
To continue: I 'realized' that it might be true and that it all
was originating in my mind. So I 'admitted' that it was my fault,
and apologized to my 'guides' for being so cruel. Tears came to my
eyes and I could feel compassion in my heart chakra. That night I
slept, but barely so. The whole night I felt as if I was under
assault. Negative thoughts and feelings kept me from sleeping, while
the image of a woman kept appearing in my head as a representation of
the person I was dealing with. I was told it was my heart, that I
had hurt her, and she was hurting me back. Oddly, I couldn't
remember any actual act of evil on my part. ;-)
Do you know the one thing you're really good at? The one context
in which you never doubt yourself. Well, spend years like that...
then one day, for no reason whatsoever, become intensely anxious.
Doubt everything about yourself, why you're doing what you're doing,
how can you get out of it, what's the point of it all, etc. Does it
make sense to question something you love to that extent, all based
on a feeling that came out of nowhere?
A couple weekends ago I woke up one morning and spent the whole
day feeling like shit. Not anxious, just very negative. Hell, I
can't describe it too well. It wasn't anything in particular. That
night I realized that it was bullshit and in a mere 2-3 minutes
shrugged off the whole thing. I approached it from the perspective
that I was responsible for myself and had no real reason to feel bad.
Apparently it takes a lot of practice, though, because I feel the same
way at this moment... negative? Filthy? Like I need to shower to
get clean.
Last summer I tried to arouse kundalini for a few brief moments.
I felt sexual energy aroused a bit, felt my heart act up and my belly
grow warm... and the disembodied turds got real nasty. In my other
message, I said I made a decision to try again. A few weeks ago,
with a simple internal choice, I awoke the next day feeling
fantastic. I was full of energy and mentally focused. The specks
immediately started up: Why did you rape me?! Rapist, asshole,
bastard, etc. The only positive thought was a quiet one which said
they didn't want me to gain more power (causing them to lose theirs).
I also have odd moments in which my heart chakra acts up, charged
with sexual energy, and a perfume-like smell appears. It's very
unusual, though, almost tainted in a way. I'm having a hard time
figuring it out, as I inevitably fight against the sensation... it
feels WRONG somehow. I become far too giving and have the odd
sensation of wanting to be taken care of, wanting to give in and
allow others to control me. I recently tried 'giving in' and nothing
really happened, it just passed. I do have a very strong feminine
side, but to be 'dominated' is definitely not something I want.
That last paragraph isn't as honest as it could be... one 'voice'
states that I am resisting/fighting my own sexuality. I realize that
this may be true, but I'm not entirely certain. The specks seem to
enjoy the confusion that results.
God, my head is so muddled right now. I'm having a lot of
difficulty organizing my thoughts. Please forgive me for saying this
twice, but it helps me to focus on a particular thought.
There is a file available at SpiritWeb which talks about these
beings. The author described being able to see them as black specks.
I recently expressed the wish to actually see them. Anxiety! I have
since seen them on two different occasions. The first time I
honestly didn't know what the hell I was looking at... a black speck
hovering at my right side. I thought it was a bug at first, but it
was too large for a gnat and had no wings. It also moved in an odd
way, just barely so.
For years I have felt a painful 'pull' on my right side, long
before I ever became interested in kundalini. Back then I could only
be aware of it during sleep, usually just before I woke up. It's a
bit of a leap, but I know this is what it is. (I'm shaped like a
man! -it yells)
I saw it again yesterday, suspended in front of my solar plexus.
I instinctively blew it away with a breath, and it seemed to vanish.
It wasn't blown away, it just seemed to disappear.
The only bugs here in the winter are house spiders... this really
sounds silly. First they tell me it's my imagination, then they say
I won't be believed. Humbug! I'm sending it anyways. I'm going to
include parts of Roger Hamstra's stuff at the end of this message...
I apologize for it being so long, but it's very important to me. If
nothing else, it's out of spite for the specks.
-Jason A.
Roger Hamstra's Remarks:
Ok, now I'm going to try to write about things I haven't written about
before-- I've written *around* them, but not directly at them, if you
know what I mean. Whenever I think about telling someone else about
this I immediately start getting all kinds of 'interference'-- can't
think clearly, get distracted easily, find something else to do all of
a sudden-- when, and if, I write what I want I think you'll understand
why. If you come to terms with the feelings you talked about, the
weight on your chest, the sense of guilt, but what for, etc, you'll
discover the key to this particular world-- especially if you don't
think of it in terms of a physical location so much as a layer or type
of consciousness.
.....
The key to this world is in that feeling of being guilty, but not
knowing for what. It's the feeling that's behind the idea of original
sin, behind the idea of karma-- most especially the idea of gaining
merit by doing good deeds and losing merit by bad deeds, and being
able to more or less buy your way out of the world by accumulating
enough merit. Most, if not all religions of the world are morality
based because they are based on this notion of 'unconditional guilt'.
This guilt does not belong to you--I repeat: THIS GUILT DOES NOT
BELONG TO YOU. It belongs to the fabric of this particular world, this
particular place of consciousness-- it does not belong to you, but
belongs to and with this world just as much as the different species
of plants and animals belong to this world. And just as you TAKE ON
the identity of one (or more) animal forms--most notably the human
one-- when you come here, you also take on the emotional and
intellectual forms of this place, and th! at feeling of aimless guilt
is just one of those fo rms. It does not belong to you, but insofar as
you buy into it, insofar as you accept it as you and yours and what
you are, you thrash around in it trying to resolve it so that you can
be good enough, or meritorious enough, or holy enough, to be free of
it. The only way you are going to resolve it is to see your own true
face, the one you had before you bought into the package of this
place.
I can remember the first time I realized this: I was standing in the
middle of my cabin in Nelson, doing what I call watching the world
being made-- watching things move from energy forms to 'solid forms'
-- and I suddenly became incredibly angry, outraged, because I
realized I'd bought into a ruse, a trap-- I realized that the whole
notion of karma was a lie-- that there was nothing to work ourselves
out of, that we were 'trapped' here because we bought into the idea
that we were trapped and had to earn our way free. It was several
years later that I finally saw the other side of this, when I realized
that beings on many layers had an interest in maintaining the status
quo of this world. I found myself going to 'negative worlds' quite a
bit at one point, exploring them, not their physical makeup but their
conscious makeup. I found that as I went into different worlds they
would have different dominant emotional makeups, different flavours if
you will-- anger, sadness,! etc, and that the true residents of those
worlds were committed to maintaining the status quo of those worlds
with as much vigour as anyone in any other world, positive or
negative. True, the residents of those negative worlds would moan and
groan and complain of their plight, but that was also part of the
inherent fabric of those worlds, and the way out of any one of them
was the same-- finding your 'original face'-- following yourself back.
On one occasion I came across a very strange scene-- I saw a man's
head with a lot of light energy around it-- the head was horizontal,
as though the man was lying down-- and beside the head was this very
dark , even black, being, fairly featureless, who was sort of reaching
into the light energy around the man's head and gathering it up. The
being then took the light energy over to a 'table' to two other dark
beings, and the three of them began to 'eat' the energy, for lack of a
better word. Suddenly the first being became aware of me for the first
time and it's mouth flew open wide and it leapt across the room at me.
I immediately came back into my body-- and the first thing I noticed
astounded me-- I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt, this
overwhelming sense of failure at everything I'd ever done, this
awareness of every "mistake" I'd ever made-- and I simultaneously
realized that these feelings had resulted from my contact with these
dark beings. I realized that these beings *fed* on the type of energy
that was generated by those kinds of feelings, and that furthermore
they actively promoted and encouraged those kinds of feelings in
physical beings much as a farmer would e! ncoura ge certain
characteristics in a breed of cattle. I further came to realize that
these kinds of feelings, the kinds necessary for these beings'
survival, can be passed on from person to person like some kind of
virus, and that this transfer is especially potent between members of
the same family-- a sort of hereditary virus, only in this case it's
an emotional virus.
I came to the realization that most religious institutions bought into
this and were infected by this, and that even forces that appeared as
'light' against 'dark' or 'good' against 'evil' in the world were
infected because they generated the suitable type of energy for these
beings. I further came to realize that whenever I even think about
telling someone else about this I get a strong sense of being 'under
attack'-- that I shouldn't be talking about this because I'm upsetting
the fabric of the world, and any increase in awareness in any one
person means one less energy 'generator' for those beings. Further,
they work quite hard to 'capture' beings with high energy output-- the
more energy the stronger and more secure their world is. And they work
quite hard to maintain their hold on someone if they think they're
going to lose them.
The guilt doesn't belong to you-- don't buy into it-- it's a trap.
It's how this world is made, but it's not you, and it's not yours. I
think I said something somewhere about this world being a good place
to develop an immunity -- what I've just written about is what you
develop an immunity to.
..........
More about the black guys-- when I first started encountering 'them' I
thought they were things like my own projections, or perhaps a sort of
metaphorical way of thinking about psychological processes, like
projecting my 'shadow' into them, etc. But then I realized I'd been
seeing them with my eyes open, so to speak. I always see little blue
'sparks', lights, spheres, floating around-- these to me are people,
some of whom I know on the physical level, some I don't. Sometimes
I'll see a sort of flash from one of them and immediately think about
someone I know. Some time back when I wrote you about "wanting to
dance"-- you were sort of floating around in the room when I was
writing you-- I saw you as a blue sphere about the size of a
grapefruit that was dancing around in front of me and moving back and
forth through my body. What I also see is these little black specks
that I'd started calling 'the flies', but I didn't know what they were
until I became aware of them as bei! ngs-- the black guys. What I'd
noticed is that these 'flies' would gravitate toward trauma-- I first
noticed this while watching TV-- if there was a real trauma on the
screen-- a real war, a real murder, etc, I could see these flies sort
of streaming toward the TV screen, but they seemed to be able to
distinguish between real events and fictional trauma. I found that I
could draw them toward me by changing my thought forms.
What I also realized is that you can't merely resist them by
maintaining a positive attitude in the face of trauma, physical or
emotional, if you have 'subconscious' weak spots--psychic bruises--
because these guys are masters at finding your weak spots and
'magnifying' them out of proportion, and exploiting them-- and the
primary psychic bruise is all the stuff involved with the weight on
your chest-- or on mine. The only way to protect yourself is to face
the stuff head on, and realizing how you got it and where it came
from-- your father, my father, your mother, my mother, etc. It's your
awareness that will free you-- it's the light of that awareness that
the "flies" can't handle-- they need to be invisible. I figured that I
could "blast" them with love, because love conquers all, etc, but
that's not true-- beings react to love according to their own
purpose-- for a mosquito love would be your letting it suck you dry,
for a great white shark love would be your letti! ng it eat you
without a struggle, for Saddam Hussein love would be your
unconditional surrender to his will. Anything you send love to will
grow and flourish, but on its own terms-- if you send love to a tumor
it'll grow and be happy, send love to the HIV virus and it'll be
fruitful and multiply. If you send love to the "flies" they'll be
happy, but on their terms, or at best they'll want to make you "lord
of the flies".
I've found that the trick to going into 'dark' places is that you
always have to be able to find yourself--- I don't mean being able to
know where you are, but being aware of yourself as separate from your
location, even though you may be mirroring your location and the
beings there, even though you may feel and think things AS your own
that are not your own but belong to the location. Not all thoughts and
feelings are necessarily yours--most belong to the fabric of your
location. That's important because when you get into the 'dark' places
you'll find that events, people, places in your life that have a
'resonance', if you will, with that darkness will sort of start to
vibrate more and you'll become more aware of them in your memory, and
more aware of your emotional responses to them, and more aware of the
emotional and psychic bruises you've incurred as a result of
interacting with them-- all your shit will start to surface. Remember
the stuff about how these 'viruse! s' get passed on-- think about the
chain of transmission in your own life.
This is all sort of an immunization program-- like being inoculated
against small pox-- you get a little bit of the real thing in your
system so you can develop an immunity-- the bits and pieces of the
'virus' you pick up from the world and from your family are the
diluted strains for the inoculation.
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