To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/12/05 15:39
Subject: [K-list] re-intro to list
From: Bellevitaahhh
On 2000/12/05 15:39, Bellevitaahhh posted thus to the K-list:
Hello to all on the list:
I have been digesting the posts for a while now, maybe a year and a
half. I'm not so into using computers and emails like I used to
be.I enjoy reading about other's experiences (that more often
than
not), are somehow similar to mine.
Allow me to re-introduce myself to the list and be open to
hearing any ideas, opinions, sharing about my recent experience, as
it is so very different now.
A brief "near history" includes a time with a local tantra
group
doing relationship work, chakra work, breathwork; having an all
around good time with many learning opportunities and an abundance of
personal `process". I did a 50 day work at home chakra
program which was designed to result in some kind of opening or
awakening, or really big personal event….and that happened.
Since then, a year and a half of this feeling like every energetic
experience I know is happening all at the same time and I'm there
trying to hold on to whatever is available, the keyboard, steering
wheel, dog leashes…..because it feels like I'm falling,
except its
not falling down. Falling some other way, and its real scary. Since
it began, it's getting less scary and less intense. All
the while, my "knowing" and "knowing/seeing" is
working like a
charm…..I feel like I'm growing and expanding in ways I never
dreamed about before; lucid dreaming is happening….and my way in
the
world is improving all the while too. My family life is better than
ever, single parenting two teenage boys, personal relationships
getting better and better; on the job, big raise, promotion, new car,
a home of my own…..
So this month I meet a man, same scenario as usual, except
the pattern played out very differently this time. When he calls to
cancel a holiday dinner with me (I cant believe its happening AGAIN
and i "knew" it was coming) I managed to choose not to react, to
be understanding that he has some other melodrama in his life more
important than "me" (again) and to really understand that it
wasnt personal, it wasnt about me.
And its all about me.
I realized I had a choice and what this situation means to me now
is: how do I want to be in relationship? I could not see him, (not
into
poly games) then I would be shutting down to "protect" myself. I kept
getting my own
little personal messages to be open hearted, to be loving, that I
don't have anything to loose here by doing so. So I tried it. And
later, when he wasnt so stressed I let him know how i feel.
Wow! Now I truly do feel like the creator of my universe! When I
don't respond with fear or anger, I have lots of choices and can
actually enjoy directing this screen play of existence. Wow! It's
an entirely different way to be! I am flying for two weeks now. This
is fabulous. Everything I learned/experienced is coming together,
making sense.
I just now saw the matrix. At that place in the movie, where they
pluck Neo out of the matrix by locating him in intense emotion (or
whatever) that's how this last experience felt to me—the
intensity that this pattern was happening AGAIN and somehow by being
able to choose a new way, I am plucked right out of my old matrix, my
old way of being. Wow, groovy, fucking fantastic fabulous. This is
entirely liberating.
And confusing. So what is the new way in being? How does it work?
What does it look like? Whats my job? At the moment I am finding less
and less that is `my job'. Tee hee.
So I'm flying high, loving life. Did I mention how great this
feels? Does it mean something that so much is so funny?
Wake up the other morning, do some breathing. See a trippy little
animation in front of my eyes. Not the usual "
knowing/seeing",
really seeing like a little cartoon.
This is what I am curious about.
A golden crescent. That begins to expand, the two points curving out
and toward each other, making like a horseshoe kinda shape…..that
keep going towards each other and touch to make as if a golden eye,
with a very dark pupil.
How about that? Its not relating to anything "I know or
understand" at the moment.
I appreciate the forum here and any reply, if anyone is so inclined.
Best to all,
Elizabeth
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