To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/11/29 18:11
Subject: [K-list] Vulnerable and Long Post
From: Wendy Wade
On 2000/11/29 18:11, Wendy Wade posted thus to the K-list:
Hi K-ites,
I just returned from the most amazing weekend of my life. My life is
changing with such great speed and grace, and I am remembering to breath and
be present for it all.
I told you about my Thanksgiving in the "Roller Coaster" post I made last
Thurs before I left for a workshop on Surrender. I opened myself fully to
learn whatever God-dess gifted me and the gifts were many and profound (at
least as far as my world is concerned). I met a woman who thought I
embodied her sister's spirit and sat with her while she cleared some pain
she had with her. It was a heart warming and opening experience. Her
sister had died recently.
My body shook with emotion and energy as I listened and she cleared.
During an exercise of the workshop (ws) I realized that in my life I keep
people separate from me by projecting neediness (my neediness) onto them.
During my illness the biggest lessons have been around asking for help and
receiving. I questioned myself further and found that I would love to be in
relationship but keep people far enough away because I don't want to feel
that I might have to give more than I have in energy. I examined the reason
why I smoke and found that it had to do with avoiding my neediness (or what
I perceive to be neediness).
I shared this with the woman who said I embodied the spirit of her sister
and told her I really wanted cigarettes out of my life - they didn't fit
there anymore and I was finding it really difficult - especially with all
the ups and downs I have been experiencing in the K thing. She shared with
me that her sister had died of lung cancer from smoking. I was especially
humbled and vowed to stop smoking. I am 24 hours here. She will be
checking in with me to help me through the withdrawal. I met a sister and
will change a life habit that keeps me small.
I also touched on the rage I carry about my body not working as well as I
would like for it to. I never really thought about the anger I had over
this - usually I just felt that there was something here for me to look at.
I didn't get to delve too far into this (but later really got the
opportunity to watch myself in the middle of it).
The ws's are held at a hot springs here in California. They have a large
warm mineral pool - a smaller hot pool - and a cold pool. The place is a
meditation and healing center that is known worldwide. It is a beautiful
clothing optional environment. The pools are meditation pools. After the
ws I go there to wind down. I did a hot cold plunge meditation where you
move from the very hot water and then move to the cold water. It is a
wonderful meditation. I decided to add the grounding meditation in each
move from hot to cold (11 back and forths)!!!. Needless to say I was in an
altered state - wide open - psychedelic. There was a person at the pool who
I don't really care to be around - but in my open space I met eyes with him
and he asked if he could clear something with me... Long story... but
during the exchange I ended up totally relinquishing my power to him - my
inner strength. I went into immediate shame that was so intense I wanted to
die. I am so fortunate to have had my best friend with me - she realized I
was in crisis - I shrunk to be as small as I could - wouldn't look at
anyone - felt so much shame about something that was said in our
conversation - all I knew at that moment was that dying would be better than
feeling that shame. My friend guided me out of the pool we stood on the
side as I tried to get dressed - all the while weeping. Then it occurred to
me - I had given my power away. He was manipulating me and I was really
open and I just handed it to him. I became enraged and filled with pain (my
body was already collapsing because of the effort of the ws). Then, this is
not easy for me to share, I lost my bladder. Standing there in all this
shame and anger and pissing all over myself. I thought that I was going
under. My friend wrapped me in a sarong were I sobbed more and came back
in. Shewalked me to a place where a could smoke a cigarette (not allowed
to at the pools). She said anything to ground me was what she looked for.
My friend then got me a room. We were supposed to be going to her house for
a party. She stayed with me in the room. Got me food talked with me.
Shared that she thought that It would be best when I am this open to maybe
stay away from people who are devious in there actions. That right now I am
sky-rocketing and she thought not only open but after that experience - just
plain raw.
I had a great massage that got moved to a time that was perfect for me. The
woman giving the massage does emotional release work. I explained what
happened and she said that I had just done a really good job releasing some
old energy. The whole day was perfect for me to get just what I got. I
learned so much - but there's more. She went to get us food and I layed on
the bed and went inside. I followed a blue orb that has a yellow center. I
went inside and had the most amazing visual experience. All the while my
body is releasing. My feet are jumping my fingers are jumping my arms - my
legs - I even felt the upper and lower half of my body align (I had surgery
several years ago that the scar goes more than halfway around my body). My
friend came in and did some cranial sacral work with me and I continued to
release. We talked well into the night.
I got up just as the sun was rising and went up to the warm pool to witness
morning. The springs are on this beautiful mountainside in the middle of
forest land and is beautiful. I laid there talking with the tree. (I
forgot to mention that earlier in the weekend I had another experience with
a tree - I'll save that for another time). This is something very new to
me. After I read the pole about trees on the list my acupuncturist and I
discussed the tree connection. I was very curious because I remember being
young and always going to the trees when I was scared or wanted to escape my
household. When I was around 11 my father cut the trees down and I went
into a deep depression. No one knew what to do with me except to say that
it was silly to be so upset about a couple of trees. But I had lost my
connection in the moment that those trees were cut down and it was until I
started this list that I realized my fear of making the connection again had
to do with someone taking them away from me again. I am reaching out now.
I am in the pools and I start to think about Luna and the woman who lived in
her for those years. I have never really thought about the woman and her
love affair with Luna much but I was beginning to understand her and had the
feeling that I wanted to know more about them. I went to have breakfast and
looked at the front page of the paper that happened to be laying there.
Luna had been vandalized. Do you think the tree was telling me this?
Earlier in the weekend I went outside the ws area to just be alone and had
this beautiful connection with the trees there. My body started vibrating
with the energy of it and the peace I felt there.
There is so much more but I am really recovering physically from all of
this. I feel great and joyful and feel like I have been releasing so much.
I feel light and filled with light. I see things with such compassion. I
am so grateful for the life I have been given. Miracles are everywhere. I
have the perfect people at the perfect times -- it is all so amazing.
Thank you for being a place where I feel I can bare my soul. Please be
conscious of the vulnerability of my sharing this with you.
In love, in light, and in peace,
wendy
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