To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/11/28 17:01
Subject: [K-list] A Gentle Awakening
From: Mark Evers
On 2000/11/28 17:01, Mark Evers posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List Members:
I'm so glad to have found this list. I thought it might be helpful to
others to hear my story. Unlike many (most?), I've experienced virtually
nothing physically painful during my three-year journey.
I think it all started with a combination of brief depression following
my 50th birthday, the death of a close relative, my own mother's
near-fatal illness, a deep sense of spiritual malaise, career
dysfunction, and the recognition that I still had not come to grips with
(released) my many childhood episodes of physical and emotional abuse
(at the hands of my manic-depressive mother). I agonized over all this
for several weeks. I felt as if my life had literally shattered, and I
could not possibly put it back together.
Then in the middle of another sleepless night, I found myself glued to
my TV, watching someone I had never heard of named Caroline Myss talk
about healing, spiritual life, and chakras. The next day I bought her
book, which in turn led me into a cycle of anguish, anger, and,
ultimately, forgiveness. I had finally realized that my "issue" was one
of spirit. This realization was not really new, but it was now very,
very clear.
Other than pulling out of my depression, I changed nothing in
particular. But about a month later, seemingly out of the blue, I
noticed that some force was "pulling" on my heart. It was very palpable,
and would have been disconcerting, except that I was also suddenly
filled with compassion! I was drawn inexplicably to meditation, so with
great difficulty I started to do this regularly. Then I decided to try
to "clear" my chakras – I purchased an audio tape which helped me to
systematically focus on them and issues related to each while I
meditated.
After about a month of chakra work, during an early morning meditation
my stomach started a gentle churning. I thought I must need food! After
noticing that this churning returned each time I focused on these lower
chakras, I thought "Well, maybe they're vibrating!" But this didn't
really make much sense to me, since I couldn't see how you could feel
something physically vibrating that was "only metaphysical." Soon after
this, I woke up one night, turned on my side, and a kind of rough but
not unpleasant energy rushed up my legs and into my sacrum. It stayed
for a few seconds in that area, vibrating furiously, after which it
zoomed up to my belly, stayed there for a few seconds, then zoomed
upward to my heart. At this point, I freaked out, and the energy left
instantly. Needless to say, I was astonished, and felt that I had been
visited by some kind of intelligence I wasn't sure I wanted to identify.
In retrospect, I feel that the path was being cleared for more work.
This began several months of waking up to strong chakra vibrations,
which worked their way gradually upward over the weeks and months.
Starting with the bottom of my spine, the vibrations would get stronger
and stronger over time, then would eventually move up to the next energy
center, and the cycle would repeat. (During a period of doubt around
this time, I thought that "they" were simply preparing me for death, and
I panicked! But the panic subsided quickly. I reasoned that "they" could
take me any time they wanted, anyway.) By the time it reached my heart,
the energy was getting so intense I started to have visions of "stuff"
pouring out of my heart. I had never felt such compassion! I even had
one vision where I was helping "heal" others by pouring energy from my
heart into them, helping them remove energy blocks. This period began
what I call "the shimmering," which is what I still feel 18 months later
when I wake up at night or early in the morning – an intense, sometimes
astoundingly blissful energy that connects all the energy centers from
my crown to the base of my spine, infuses every cell in my body, and
seems to be cradling me. (I've had some astonishing visions while in
this state!) And now, especially after a kundalini experience, I am
able to make one or another chakra (except third eye and crown) almost
explode with energy if I focus on it.
I never thought of this energy as kundalini. In fact, I am almost
completely ignorant of eastern mystical practices, other than reading a
little about chakras. But about a month ago, again in the middle of the
night, I rolled onto my right side and suddenly felt an intense upsurge
of energy in my sacrum. It was somewhat diffuse, yet still focused and
very strong, as if it "wanted" to move upward. My breathing changed,
seeming to pump this energy upward, slowly and steadily. When it reached
my heart I felt as if I had melted in glorious surrender. Then onto my
throat chakra, which burst forth with energy, as if it were singing a
tone. Then the energy seemed to change to become dramatically "finer" as
it entered my head. My breathing became shallower and quicker, and the
energy because almost exquisitely fine (very hard to describe!). I
thought I had stopped breathing, yet discovered that my breathing was
almost imperceptible. I felt as if I had entered a vast space without
sound or thought, filled with an almost indescribable peacefulness and
power, somehow with a "sparkle" quality to it. (Words cannot do this any
justice!) I stayed in this space for perhaps 10 minutes, after which the
energy coming up my spine tapered off to a trickle. I then fell asleep.
When I awoke later that night, the usual shimmering energy was
astoundingly enhanced, seeming to explode from any chakra I focused
upon. I wondered how I could get along during my normal day, if the
energy stayed this intense and responsive. But as I thought more any
more about getting up, the energy settled down.
Since this initial salvo, I have had a similar "energy rising"
experience perhaps 8 or 10 times. Each is different, yet the overall
pattern is the same. About two weeks ago, I read Lee Sannella's book on
Kundalini. I then found this list and read a couple hundred entries, and
went through another K website. So my "understanding" based on these few
readings is very limited. I can only go with my experience and my
gut/heart. My sense is that my opening is ongoing. I've not experienced
any blinding flashes of light, communicated with other beings during
this time, nor have I had any pains and discomfort. My sense also is
that my two years of "chakra work" paved the way for something much more
intense, which is just beginning. For all this, I am certainly thankful,
and at times slightly apprehensive about what I may have unleashed. But
I feel some comfort with this list -- it's nice to know that I'm not
just "going crazy."
I'd like to say a few words about my personal transformation, since to
me this is much more important than any "energy work" (although I feel
the two go hand in hand.) Prior to three years ago when this all
started, I had all the traditional trappings of middle-class success in
the U.S. I've been married very happily to a wonderful, competent, and
(luckily for me) patient and "intuitive" woman. We have four children
and two grandchildren. I am well-educated, and have taught and worked in
the area of applied statistics for years. I've even held a couple of
high-level corporate jobs. So, I was very, very "left-brained" and
achievement-oriented. But I've also always been a kind and gentle soul.
Over the past three years, I've all but abandoned the material quest.
Other than my family, the most important thing in my life is my
volunteer work with hospice and facilitating grief support groups for
children and adults. This and daily nature walks help keep me grounded.
My feeling for life is one of profound gratitude. I feel that I am
surrounded by grace and beauty, by unbounded love and mysteries. And I
no longer have the need to change people. We are, in ways I don't try to
understand, all one, yet we live with the illusion of being separate.
The only way I know how to deal with this paradox is to see others with
my heart, with compassion.
So, that's my brief tale of movement toward awakening and, perhaps,
awareness. As I said at the beginning, this energy path has been
remarkably pain-free, at least thus far. I'd love to hear your
reactions, cautions, etc., and any suggestions about further learning or
work. And I'd be happy to fill in the blanks or to answer questions.
Thanks so much.
Mark Evers
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