To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/11/22 22:52
Subject: [K-list] Kundalini, Voices, & Muscular Dystrophy
From: Thrawn187
On 2000/11/22 22:52, Thrawn187 posted thus to the K-list:
I am not sure how I should organize my thoughts. They tend to be
somewhat mercurial. :-)
First I'll give a quick description of myself. I am a 23 year old male
with muscular dystrophy. I use an electric wheelchair to move
around school, but I can still walk well enough to get around the
house. I am also very boyish. Most people think that I am 15-16
years old. This comes from a fairly 'strong' feminine side.
I am a nice guy, more or less. Put another way, I've always been a
little sensitive. I had some physical abuse as a child, though it
wasn't too bad. The problem was that I acquired a great deal of
anger and self-pity, but kept it bottled up 24 / 7. I remember feeling
urges to hurt animals, even as I felt the need to protect them. I
watched my father act on those same feelings and pretended that
it didn't bother me. I was a fairly gullible kid, willing to believe
anything if someone would just be nice to me. Don't get me wrong,
I got along quite well with most people. Even the 'difficult'
personalities would treat me decently.
Eventually I developed a fairly serious case of clinical depression,
and with an obsessive-compulsive mind it was easy to keep the
cycle going. After a few years I had reached a state in which I felt
very little. I don't mean that I felt empty or suicidal, I simply mean
that I had lost the ability to consciously feel anything. Put another
way, at least the emptiness had some enthusiasm to it. :-) My
psychologist just says that I'm good at dissociating myself.
At this time I came across some information on kundalini. I read a
large number of books about OBEs and psychic phenomena when
I was younger, but none of them had mentioned kundalini. Much of
what I read talked about the dangers of awakening kundalini, but I
didn't care much about that. All that interested me was that it was
supposed to clean out all the crap you picked up in your life.
Based on what I had read, I made a choice. I asked my 'higher
self' or whatever else might be listening to help me clear out the
crap in my system. For 1.5 years afterwards I had a lot of mood
swings. When I wasn't enraged I was wallowing in self-pity. I
would wake up some mornings, feeling energy hitting a block in my
tailbone. When that cleared it hit a bigger block in my lower spine.
There were plenty of hot and cold flashes as well.
I had a few out of body experiences. The first one occurred one
night when I fell asleep with a stone resting on my forehead. I felt
very powerless during the event, but all of the emotional drama
faded away in a few seconds after I returned to my body. Another
one involved me passing through a 'layer' in space where a lot of
really pissed off people were yelling and trying to grab me, but I
was propelled through and given a nice tour of the solar system.
There were others, but they were all kind of boring. :-)
Some mornings I would wake up and be able to see through my
eyelids. I remember waking up one morning and seeing a movie
playing out on a square screen in my mind. My dreams would
often show me what was going to happen that day, though I had
difficulty recognizing the events until after they had happened.
That was the normal state of affairs until about 15 months ago
when I had an irrational experience which has yet to end. For
several months I had been hearing 'chatter' in my head. I had
this obsessive thought that there was a 'guide' watching me at all
times, pointing out how I was doing something wrong.
One night I said something in my head, and a voice answered
back. I was extremely self-conscious at the time, so the fact that
someone could see everything I was thinking disturbed me. I spent
a week lying in my bed, getting up only to urinate and drink water.
The first day I was frantically trying to raise kundalini while these
voices chattered at me. I only succeeded in raising it about
halfway up my back before I lost it. I spent the next few days
believing that I was going to die while unknown 'spirits' performed
surgery on me.
Apparently a lot of beings carry around knives and have fetishes for
human hands. ;-) I tried to break my own arm, and spent the
better part of a day with my head covered while more 'spirits'
worked to cut my skin with knives and threatened to do the same
to my family if I tried to leave. The strange part was that I really felt
them cutting me. Towards the end I was questioning rapists and
serial killers about why they did what they did so that I could better
understand why I was a rapist/pedophile/murderer/etc. I had a firm
conviction that I needed to be punished.
I eventually broke down and confessed everything to my family
before trying to get help. The first thing my doctor asked me was if
I was hearing voices. I know it wasn't what he thought it was, but it
was still a great relief to tell him the truth.
My doctor put me on anti-depressants and anxiety medication and
recommended a very good psychologist. I had difficulty dealing
with my self-loathing. Hatred was the dominant emotion of the
time that followed, all of it directed at myself. I hated myself for
being weak and forgiving people who treated me like shit. I hated
myself for all the stupid things I had done.
My psychologist helped a great deal. Where I'm at right now... I
don't hate myself. Much of my anxiety has evaporated with time.
My concentration has improved, and I'm anxious to return to school
this spring. Other than being a cynical turd, I'm a lot calmer.
I have several questions for anyone who has managed to read this
far:
1) I still hear voices. They behave like assholes, guides, and
supposedly enlightened types who know what's best for me and
never fail to tell me so. They manipulate my emotions (literally) to
try making me obsess about something. Hell, they even correct
my grammar. Five days ago I decided to try raising kundalini
again... the next morning I awoke feeling energetic, calm, and
focused. Then the voices started up, apparently in desperation.
They were literally yelling at me, doing everything they could to
induce shame and guilt.
I read an article once by Roger Hamstra, and in it he talked about
dark beings. He gave an example where he returned from an OBE
and was hit by a wave of guilt, seemingly out of nowhere.
According to him they do their best to keep people trapped while
they 'feed' on the negative energy. Neither love nor hate is
supposed to work on them... I have tried a variety of approaches.
Give a person an emotion, any emotion, and they can choose to
take it in any way they want. Only the light of awareness works.
I can't help but feel that I'm experiencing what he talked about,
though I'm not happy to talk about it... I went to my psychologist
once, intent on telling him, only the whole session was lame as
hell... he was clearly 'negative' the whole time. He apologized the
next session (genuinely so), but it was a weird experience,
especially since I have no doubts at all that he's a fairly advanced
human in his own right. He's the kind of guy who is happy to have
had an experience, even a painful car wreck. ;-)
Has anyone else on this list experienced anything similar to this?
If so, how have you dealt with it?
2) My other question is simpler. Does anyone know of any
potential difficulties involved in raising kundalini when you have
muscular dystrophy or another physically debilitating illness?
I'm sorry I wrote such a long message. This is the first time I have
written this out for others to read, and I'm not sure if some parts are
relevant or not.
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