To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/11/12 00:21
Subject: [K-list] Not knowing where..Hi
From: The Inside Line
On 2000/11/12 00:21, The Inside Line posted thus to the K-list:
on 11/10/00 10:23 AM, Wendy Wade at livingjoyunlimitedATnospamhome.com wrote:
> Good Morning,
>
> I have been so enthralled since someone introduced me to the list. Thank
> you for listening. I think I have been guided perfectly to here.
>
> It's hard for me to know where to start since I believe that I began this
> journey when I was very young and am only now beginning to understand what
> has brought me to this moment...
>
> I have lived my whole life knowing there was a universal "love" that I was
> here to experience. As a child I spent all my time escaping sexual abuse
> and violence by retreating to the comfort of trees and my animals. I
> protected them the way I wanted to be protected. During my life I chose 3
> separate times to live instead of die - because I KNEW that I would find
> what I am now in the process of knowing at a profound level.
>
> I have lived through and learned from sexual abuse from the age of 2-1/2,
> drug abuse and addiction, sexual slavery as a young teen, violence, holding
> prestigious business positions in amazing businesses, marriage, childbirth,
> adoption, divorce, rape as an adult, severe illness.... These things are
> all my history and I guess I felt it necessary to mention them because
> through the experience of this lifetime I remained true to one thing and
> that was this journey to the "love" and compassion I feel in my life today.
>
> This illness began about 5 years ago after the rape. I went into a 4 year
> period of inner contemplation. I read and studied and prayed and meditated
> almost constantly during this time. I did workshops even when I had to pull
> a mattress into the room so that I could lay in the back and bathe myself in
> the growth that occurred there. I studied tantra and removed myself from
> sexual experience. These were all things I was drawn to do. I didn't
> really have any guidance other than my heart and was often confused by the
> experiences I was (and am) having. I got flickers of knowing that I was
> having an awakening but then would wonder"why me?" and doubt what was
> happening... That is why this list and the website that brought me here was
> so important to me.
>
> I have always been open to the unlimited possibilities of the universe, even
> when growing up in a strictly Catholic household that tried to crush any
> openness I might find within. So now I am understanding that a lot of my
> physical problems are related to this awakening. I believe that I am
> healing and rejoice in knowing that this healing is occurring due to my
> diligence.
>
> One night in the middle of a meditation - I felt my body begin to quake. I
> thought there was a helicopter outside my window and that they were shining
> a light through the window and into me. The noise got louder and louder
> until I thought I wouldn't be able to stand it but it didn't hurt. The
> light streamed in and I thought we must be having and earthquake. I tried
> to get up to check on my children and my body was frozen in a stream of
> lightening that began at the base of my spine and traveled through the top
> of my head - I drew a picture of it later when my therapist suggested that
> because I found it difficult to write about - I draw pictures. I attempted
> to cry out but couldn't. As the experience began to subside I felt a
> humming inside my body that could be heard outside and that lasted for what
> seemed like hours. (This also happened to me at the Tantra workshop when
> after Puja I found myself alone and spent the rest of the evening running my
> own energy back through my heart - I spent that evening in another place
> another dimension I think - the next morning people heard me humming...
> another story).
>
> After this night I began having dreams that I couldn't distinguish between
> reality and the dream. I knew I was going crazy. Didn't sleep for days and
> these dreams were terrifying. Like being stuck in a body and trying to let
> someone know that I was dying but not being able to reach them. When I drew
> them I was entombed in a mummy like wrapping.. This was also at a time where
> I thought I wanted to die because the pain of the illness and the stress
> involved with raising my two children in this pain was too much. I was at
> the third crossroad of deciding between staying with this body or moving on.
>
> I live in a very spiritual community surrounded by people who love me. I
> manifested this for myself. My friends gathered round to let me know that
> they believed something more was happening than my going crazy. They knew
> me too well, but also didn't know what was happening with me - they were
> just there... Synchronicity is a daily occurence for me. I experience
> miracles in a glorious way and have been given the gift to be able to see
> energy move between and among us on different occassions. I experience
> pyschodelic episodes without the drugs.
>
> My adopted daughter is able to astral project and talk with me about it.
> She also has dreams that let her know what is happening the next day. One
> of my gifts is that I can hold the space for her to have these experiences.
> I want to find the right people to work with her gift. I myself travel a
> lot in my "dreams". I deliver messages to people. Every time I go I get
> better at travel. I can fly higher and go farther.
>
> As you might imagine, I have had very few people that I can talk to about
> these things and I have so many other experiences to talk about. If you
> have any information that might help me please teach me. I am so willing
> and open to experience these gifts I have been given. I have to say there
> is a fear here but death doesn't seem to enter into my fear any longer. I
> am getting well. In fact, I found that I had three months of feeling this
> wondrous energy. I took it to work with a group of people who work with
> teenagers and who I know are blessed with a gift to heal the world. I took
> them through a hard period in the work they were doing and then I got sick
> again... I'm not sure I understand this but think I have been given another
> opportunity to do this work and to have even longer periods where I can take
> my gift to the universe.
>
> I am overcome with emotion right now... I need guidance and I have been led
> here.
>
> In love and in glorious light,
> wendy
>
>
>
>
>
> http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
>
>
>
Wendy,
I have read your story many times and I don't know why. It's in my personal
file in my computer. You have been thru so much.
Because of reading your story I finally wrote about mine. See how you are?
Love, Mandy
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