To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/09/08 08:55
Subject: [K-list]
From: Gerry Roth
On 2000/09/08 08:55, Gerry Roth posted thus to the K-list:
I'm new to the group and an infant in my knowledge. Let me apologize ahead
of time for the lengthy posting. However, thank you in advance for letting
me tell my story... I hope to receive some sort of guidance.
I've been raised very much into the traditional Western Culture. This is
all so weird. Can't tell you how cleansing it was after many months to find
out what Kundalini is. And then to find a site devoted to it!
2 years ago I want to a Church retreat for three days. It was a rather
structured but inward look beneath the dogma of the church and really
understanding the root of Christ's teachings. I've had some very traumatic
things in my early life and have for nearly twenty years sought comfort from
the Divine but to no avail. Well, over this weekend there was a communion
service...in the middle of it I said "Lord take my will and make it yours".
I instantly felt like 50lbs came off my back and then I started filling up
from my crown and tingling all the way down to my toes. This continued for
5 days....I actually lost 4-5 pounds during that time.
2 days after I came home, I awoke at 1:30 AM to a loud rushing noise like a
waterfall or a freight train.. it was initially alarming until I realized it
was silence that I heard. I awoke to a roaring silence! My whole body
vibrated gently all over and was warm. Tears rolled uncontrollably down my
cheeks. I felt like I was floating. It was awesome. After a few minutes I
closed my eyes to go to sleep. I had a 1-2 second vision of me at a podium.
Out of my mouth came the words "Isaiah 1:15" and "1st Corinthians 13" and I
"saw " it in front of my eyes as though typed in mid air...and then I woke
up. The Isaiah chapter talks about Gods inaccessibility to us due to our
"sin" ,or as I see it "actions against others". Corinthians talks about the
other side of the coin.... the way to have a divine relationship is through
loving others... unconditionally. Great message. I received many verses
over the following weeks. Always a neat message of great personal
magnitude...... The interesting thing is that I have never read the bible to
any extent....This was ALL new stuff to me.
Imagine my thoughts when the messages started to change. One day I woke up
repeating over and over Qumran, Qumran, Qumran. I'd never heard of it but
now I've read all about it....Many newer theologians believe as they study
the site of where the dead sea scrolls were found that this is where Christ
was raised. The Essene teachings are wonderful....but very much outside of
the church!
I had a vision of two columns of words paired left and right something like
this......Zen - Buddhism; Gnosticism - Christianity; Sufi - Hindu; Kabbala
- Judaism; Zoroasterism - Islam, etc. Then the words lifted up and
twirled around and then came back still paired the same. Again up they
went, twirled and returned the same then up again but when they returned the
words were arranged differently....The columns were the same Mystical left
and "outer church" right but they were miss matched.... And then again...And
then this knowing came into me as though I had known it all the time...They
are all the same! And I woke up WIDE awake. This was ,on one level, very
disturbing to me....what do I tell my wife, let alone, how does one tell
that to their pastor! Not that I wanted to but who does one talk to? The
wild thing is that I never heard of some of these faiths but I "knew" of
them after the dream.
A few days later I woke up saying "the Koran is safe, the Koran is safe,
The Koran is safe". Being of the Christian tradition, this had been
troublesome. After investigating, I realized the Koran is extremely similar
to the bible just has additional books (of Muhammad I guess) ...Nothing
heretical to my investigating such things. It released me from the guilt of
recognizing the truth is the truth no matter were it resides.
Lots of more weird stuff.
At one point in this journey my two kids were diagnosed with ADD. One was
unaffected by medication so we took him off. The other went from D's and
F's immediately to A's and B's....The doctor had laughed ;looking at me
saying, "you know this is genetic". I always knew I had the attention span
of a squirrel....and I'm not organized, my office looks like a bomb went
off! So what do I do? I ask the Doc if I could try it. Well, It was
great. I was focused and the office got cleaned up!...I couldn't believe
how productive my days were.
Before I go any further, need to tell you that the Kundalini really never
flowed completely through me after those first couple of times. However, I
continually had this energy in my back and heart chakra and it seemed like
my adrenals too. It was a whirling energy sometimes warm but usually felt
like a block of ice on my back.
Well over the next 2-3 months that I was taking the medication (it was an
amphetamine), the whirling energy became so great that I often "grounded
myself on the metal door frame of my office. I could feel the energy flow
out and I'd slow down and calm. It became stronger. The night visions were
so frequent that I got little sleep. I remember once I was so tired I said,
"Lord let me sleep!!". I had two great nights sleep but then learned that
my wife had had nightmares all night and my youngest son...12 at the time,
heard a voice in his sleep "There's a garden in Zion and Joel knows". Well,
I looked up Joel in the bible...There's actual a short book of about 1-2
pages. Within the book it says, "and old men will dream dreams and children
will prophecy!"
This was all so hard to handle and I was getting so juiced with energy
continually. Then it changed. I had a lower back pain for two
days...thought I had the flu. Then it started moving up my back one to two
days at a time. The "screen" I saw as I closed my eyes at night went from
red to orange to yellow. The energy became intense and my stomach was a
knot. I fasted for the next five to six days. The screen turned to green
when it came to the heart chakra. as the energy moved up to my neck. It was
painful...the screen was blue and then it moved up. I became claraudiant at
night in my sleep or just before or after sleep. The voice once identified
itself as an angel. I was not at all concerned for sanity I believed I was
just really blessed I couldn't talk to anyone. The last couple of days I
fell asleep looking at a big eye looking at me with white smoke coming off
the top. That's when the waking day and sleeping night merged. There were
two days that were like a dream. I actually thought I was Isaiah or Elijah
or something. I told a few others (business associates!) that we are in
for a huge planetary change and that I was going to be helping in opening
healing centers across the country. I was claraudiant all day long talking
about sacred geometry and observing energy flow. Carrying on conversations
with multiple "voices" some external to me, some inside me. Of the ones
inside, was literally the still small voice, others were like invading
thoughts that came from outside and unfolded within but no actual sound only
a "knowingness". The second day when I came home my wife confronted me and
told me she wanted me to go to the stress center. I couldn't believe that
was God's plan so I asked, "God, If I need to go to the stress center give
my the number" I walked to the phone and dialed the number that was told to
me by the still small voice...."St Vincent's Stress Center", was the answer
on the end of the line!. I hung up and gave in. When they learned I was
taking an amphetamine they checked my pulse...135! Blood pressure 180/135.
They gave me something and asked my to come back early next morning. The
diagnosis was drug induced psychosis. The next day they said I was fine.
But I was crushed..... I was unplugged.... the gentle energy in my
heart...gone. And I could not except that this had not been real. But try
to tell that to a Doc. It has been over a year now. The warmth is back
slowly more day by day. When I pray I feel the energy fill my heart and
flow through and from me. I am getting some complete rumblings of energy
again, but mostly just heart centered. A local clairvoyant told I have a
block in my solar plexus but that it will dissolve and open gently. He said
I chose to open with such difficulty so that I will be able to help others
as they open.
My concern.....I'm afraid. Was it drug induced or am I really nuts? I know
the correct answer but the residual feelings of several months ago are still
intensely there, none the less. I'm hoping you know others that have been
through this sort of thing.
Advice.... I want it desperately. I want to get on with my life and get out
of this "Inbetweenness" of the current state. Books? People? How does one
live in two worlds? Do I just tell everyone important to me that their
understanding of God and their faith is off base. Their understanding of
truth and reality is a dream...Of course not. And how do I explain the
uncontrolled and unexplainable emotion and tears in the middle of a business
meeting when someone coldly blurts out "business is business". Or the
pain anguish and separation I experience when a little child cries
uncontrollably.
Thanks.
Gerry
http://www.onelist.com/community/Kundalini-Gateway
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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