To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/08/14 15:19
Subject: [K-list] Introduction
From: José
On 2000/08/14 15:19, José posted thus to the K-list:
Hi everybody,
I've been reading along for a while, being so happy to have found this list and learn about people's K-experiences. When Haakon asked if anybody had similar experiences, I thought it was about time to tell my story.
I'm José, I live in Holland, 37 years old. About 9, 10 years ago I was travelling for a long time. I was very interested in Buddhism and started by doing a retreat in Thailand. Then I went to India and decided to do another ten day vipassana retreat. I remember being very hungry for all the information I got. Buddhism made so much sense to me, I wanted to learn, learn, learn. At the end of the retreat in India I felt a huge energy circling up and down my spine. My body felt totally different, my sense of warm and cold seemed to be gone. I paniced because of all this energy, I had no idea what happened and asked for help with one of the teachers. He told me to speak up what was going on in my mind. I tried to recall all that had gone on, one of which was the idea that I might be enlightened. I remember feeling ashamed about that thought. (now I've learned from you that this is a more common misunderstanding with K-awakening) I was put on my feet, shaking violently. I remember the sensation of something leaving me through the top of my head. After that, I was quiet, felt a bliss. But not for long. From here I went into mania, confusion, fear. I had no clue what happened to me. I do remember realizing suddenly: shit: there's a god after all! I didn't believe there was one before that time.10 days up, 10 days down to find myself again among friends at the place I lived in India. I remember being desillusioned with meditation. The confusion, psychosis, definitely did not feel healthy.
I went back to Holland, with all this in the back of my head. I knew nothing about Kundalini. Half a year later I had another small manic episode. My good friend who's a nearly-psychiatrist, told me I might have manic-depressiveness. Ofcourse I didn't want to hear it. Later again, 1½ year after my India-experience, I went to London to do an Indian dance-course and stay with a friend. At the end of the course I went into total psychosis. Very little blissful experiences were left at that time, only paranoia, fear of death and the horrible idea I should kill myself to prevent others (like my grandmother) to die. Somehow I still knew that me, José, did not want to commit suicide, but the idea was stronger. I was standing in the window when my friend grabbed my out of it, and had me admitted to a London hospital. From there back to Holland, where I got my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and was put on lithium. I reacted well on it. I'm not going to describe to you the hell I went through in those months. But please believe me, lithium came as a blessing I happily hang on to.
In the 7 years that followed I did nothing about meditation, but I did follow the path I felt I needed to follow. Even before my travels I decided not to follow an academic career, even though I had the training. I registered at a dancetherapycourse, and knew it was the right direction. But ofcourse it involves a learningproces, which got me right back in psychotic episodes. I nearly got thrown out. Luckily I'm quite stubborn and can be very persuasive in such situations. So I continued on this path and still do. It was all therapy for me, learning about psychopathology and myself. I learned I have a strong mind, but too little ego-strength to hang on in any ordinary job. I was shocked about my own emotional non-development. I'm still trying to catch up.
About 4 years ago I started to have some wonderful experiences again. About once a year (now I know it's always winter/early spring) I seem to be getting a manic episode, in spite of lithium. I never get real depressions anymore, just the backlash from a mania. The time before it's really getting too confusing starts with experiences like seeing a dark shade of a person coming towards me, when they are out of my sight but directing their attention at me ( I turn around and can see that they just did). I get very sensitive to things and people around me. Colours get brighter, sounds get brighter and synchronicity is everywhere. I feel guided and in touch with greater cosmic energies.
I started to get memories of past lifes, or at least images out of the Akasha cronicle, that big cosmic library up there, as bright as memories from childhood that can come up when you smell something familiar. I re-experienced horrible deaths in my body and figured out that consciousness must stay with the body longer than the actual time of death. I than realized we had left my grandmothers body too early after she died.
Luckily I also got lovely memories. Lots and lots of memories in total, up to a couple of thousand years before christ. I felt guided and blessed. But paranoia, fear of death, spending-urge and pretty agressive behaviour were also there. Whenever I came out of it, I pushed it all to the back of my mind tagged with a small piece of paper saying: madness. I'm probably much more influenced by dogmatic protestant christianity than I would like to admit, so part of me was ashamed of all these weird experiences, and I talked to nobody about them.
I once consulted a psychiatrist, who seemed to have been slightly more aware of esoteric practices. After hearing my story of how I first got a psychotic episode, she questioned whether I really am manic-depressed. I didn't even want to hear it then (I told you I'm stubborn). But ofcourse I remember it very well now.
Then I got confronted with my own experience by reading things in new age bookshops. It nailed me to the ground, I couldn't denie them anymore. Slowly I started talking about it all to people and found out they did not ridiculize me at all. There were some shockingly synchronizing things happening.
I learned to control my spring-mania's with lithium. A pity about all the interesting things happening, but the feeling of finally being a little bit back in control of my life, is wonderful. But now that therapy has gotten me on my feet finally, my spiritual interests have come back with the speed of light(as a manner of speaking). I started to do meditation again, allthough not very regularly; I went to a few smaller vipassana-retreats around here. Somehow I feel meditation is more or less part of my life now, but in the sence of Thich Nhat Han maybe, trying to be aware of daily life as much as possible, being in the moment and not somewhere else.
I'm active for the organization for bipolar patiënts here in Holland, - often felt a sense of missing something important - and recently somebody found the kundalini-sites, with side-effects of too early awakenings mentioned. She mentioned it to us, as sounding just like a manic episode. Only then all my memories of my kundalini-awakening came back instantly, and only then did I realize fully it was such a thing. WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THEN? So many things fell in place now, when I was reading the different sites and all your wonderful posts.
I hope this is of any help to you, Haakon, but I certainly hope to get some replies from all you far more esoterically experienced people out there.
José
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