To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/26 07:36
Subject: Re: [K-list] Forgiveness
From: Robert Weil
On 2000/06/26 07:36, Robert Weil posted thus to the K-list:
At 08:33 PM 6/25/00 EDT, you wrote:
snip>>Then I got it: I was feeling her soul's shame for the way she had
treated me
>during my childhood. I gently asked her, "Do you regret any mistakes you may
>have made as a mother?"
>
>This time, her reply was sharp and defensive. "No!" Simultaneously, from
>her soul I heard, "Yes, yes..."
>
>Although she wasn't consciously aware of that pain, I could feel so much
>torment there and I knew it would be there to greet her full force when she
>leaves this life. My heart was so open I felt an overwhelming sadness for
>her, and without thinking, I blurted out, "You've been a wonderful mother."
>I knew it was untrue the instant I said it, but I felt an impelling need to
>give her that, to pour my forgiveness out to her right then, so that when she
>finally encounters the terrible remorse in her soul, she'll carry a little
>cushion of my love to help her through it.
>
>As soon as I'd said it, she lit up and exclaimed, "Really? Was I?"
>
>"Yes, you were wonderful. Thank you for all you've done for me."
El,
Thanks a lot for that. Reminded me...
My mother allowed a whole bunch of abandonment to happen to me as a child.
Got to put it that way because she (at that time, as she was then, as I
know now) had little choice: she didn't engineer it as a master plan, so to
speak. But that didn't stop me me getting seriously alienated and angry at
her and my step-father. I really needed something I didn't get, and it took
something away from my sense of self, and I have paid highly in looking for
that illusion.
What changed between us was her coming to me several years ago and showing
herself as a real, limited human being, confessing a secret love that made
her happy and tremendously guilty all at once. I was only the third person
to know... In doing so, she took the risk of my rejection, and yet I think
she felt I would understand. She gave me that gift, her way of reaching to
me, and I suddenly saw how she was so like me in the fears and the regrets,
and knew she had never meant, in her soul, any harm to anyone.
It has been healing me because it meant I didn't need to be the victim,
only the shortstop on her pain.
My brother, nine years younger, whose life has been more conventional, was
appalled about the affair when he finally was told. His view of life was
more clear-cut, less "problematic", I suppose. Why should he have to
accomodate someone else's blatant imperfections, when he would not have
done that thing? I said to him that it is so difficult to assess another's
circumstances and decide how they (or he) ought to behave. And sometimes
having an open heart that hurts can get you into some complicated
situations...
Love
Rob
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