To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/25 17:33
Subject: [K-list] Forgiveness
From: Ckress
On 2000/06/25 17:33, Ckress posted thus to the K-list:
Hope I'm not becoming a list hog (and I extend blanket apologies to the
animal activists out there for my past, present and future un-PC
animal-bashing language). The discussions of abuse, forgiveness and love
seem relevant to an experience I had when K blasted my heart wide open.
For a while, I was in such a deep state I could feel into people's souls.
During this time, my mother called me and we were discussing religion. She
has a naive faith in a paternal God (not far removed from an old guy with a
long white beard sitting on a cloud in heaven), and I try to be respectful of
that. As we talked, I felt an enormous weight of guilt and shame coming from
her. I couldn't immediately trace it to its source, so I asked her if she
had feelings of unworthiness in her relationship to God. She replied, "No"
and it rang true.
Then I got it: I was feeling her soul's shame for the way she had treated me
during my childhood. I gently asked her, "Do you regret any mistakes you may
have made as a mother?"
This time, her reply was sharp and defensive. "No!" Simultaneously, from
her soul I heard, "Yes, yes..."
Although she wasn't consciously aware of that pain, I could feel so much
torment there and I knew it would be there to greet her full force when she
leaves this life. My heart was so open I felt an overwhelming sadness for
her, and without thinking, I blurted out, "You've been a wonderful mother."
I knew it was untrue the instant I said it, but I felt an impelling need to
give her that, to pour my forgiveness out to her right then, so that when she
finally encounters the terrible remorse in her soul, she'll carry a little
cushion of my love to help her through it.
As soon as I'd said it, she lit up and exclaimed, "Really? Was I?"
"Yes, you were wonderful. Thank you for all you've done for me."
About 2 weeks later, I got a call from my sister. She was furious with me.
"What the hell have you been telling Mom? She keeps saying you told her she
was a wonderful mother, and I know she wants me to say it too, but I just
can't. It makes me gag. Why did you say that to her?"
After I explained to her what I'd experienced, she calmed down and became
pensive. Then she said, "Well, I can't tell her she was wonderful, but maybe
I'll tell her that I love her."
Since then, even though I haven't re-experienced that degree of pure
open-heartedness, I stopped regarding my mother as a horrible person and
instead saw her as a human being who had done some very hurtful things. A
later K experience (which I described here previously) took me to a different
level, where I was able to understand why she had treated me so badly. (She
was scapegoating me for her anger at the social expectations of her day which
had trapped her into motherhood).
A couple years ago I discovered how much my resentment toward her has melted
away. She had called me and mentioned she was suffering a lot from her
arthritis. Soon after we got off the phone, I wept for her because she was
in such pain, and prayed that she would experience relief. Then I realized
that earlier in my life, I would have had little compassion for her and may
have even felt she deserved the pain. Now, I don't want any harm to come to
her. I only wish her well-being and peace.
El
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