To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/25 01:55
Subject: [K-list] Beyond Abuse *long*
From: v
On 2000/06/25 01:55, v posted thus to the K-list:
I believe the concept of abuse is a very relative term. To some
degree, everyone has been abused in some way. Sharing abusive situations
is healing, but to hang onto that pain inside is destructive. I should
know!
That's why the Desiderata mentions not to compare ourselves with
others. I think that is just basic 'folk wisdom'.
They say forgiveness is the way through that pain. Not to absolve the
perpetrators, neccessarily, but just to let ourselves BE alive. Like the
flora & fauna, we have the right to be here & to just exist without that
pain.
Like a "good Catholic gal" - I often find myself feeling guilty for
being overwhelmed with self-pity, when I realize in my heart that - even
with my griefs - there are children out there homeless, starving, in the
midst of bloodshed & wars. What does that say about "karma"? Why are
their legions of people in this world who suffer endlessly & daily,
trapped in situations beyond their control? At least, in my case, I
managed to walk away from the abuse; to recognize it for what it was &
change my situation. Yes, it was sad, *sniff*, but I was able to escape
it.
And it's just past traumas which are so upsetting. One might even
convince themselves into thinking it was just a bad dream. More
delusions upon the karmic wheel...
So, how do we forgive our tormentors, I mean REALLY forgive them, so
as to get on with life? Is it a supernatural act of grace when one has
become clear enough inside to get our ego away, & shelter our higher
selves? Do pain & grief just fade away? Is it a mental exercise &
discipline to catch the pain before it spreads & give it a name &
forgive so as to exorcise it?
I'd like to know, because no matter how many times I have forgiven,
then another repressed memory arises & I find I haven't yet even begun
to forgive. First all the memories need to be exposed. I imagine that
there is a natural order to these things - what cannot be remembered, is
not yet forgiven? Should forgiveness be immense enough to embrace
*the whole world & past tortures*. no matter what?
I've had a lot of therapy, but it seems impossible to find someone to
talk to who has had as much experience as myself, & seem just "book
larned". To me, people who have never fallen & had to pick themselves up
& walk, seem to be in another dimension altogether.
And there are subliminal forces at work which wreak havoc within an
otherwise pastoral existance. Like being rear-ended 3 times & maimed by
a GIANT SCHNAUZER named 'Fate'. What in the world was THAT about???
True, the little boy who got crushed by the lumber & killed - well,
who's to say if he had it worse? It was his fate & I cannot second guess
it.
I find myself having to work very consciously & regularly with
grounding & shining the light. And even if I cannot yet be of any other
service to anyone because my life has been so whacky, when around me,
people get grounded & included in a waterfall of light. Even if I can't
look at them without crying, I realize it's me, not them. I find it much
easier to forgive people when I am faced with them. Forgiving
retrospectively from the murky past has so far been a bitch trying to
exorcise those hidden demons.
The present life provides people & experiences & emotions to trigger
the past demons so as to bring them to Light; so far that is my
understanding.
If I weren't a single-mom, I suspect joining the Peace Corps & moving
to a third world country might be the medicine needed for
*attitude adjustment*. Immersing the self in service to others less
fortunate, being that it's more blessed to give than to receive...& all
that.
Anyway, am up late blathering again. Thankyou for the back-channel
posts & support.
It seems like the best way to overcome all the negative, without
joining the Peace Corps, is to heal oneself with Love, in love with
self, forgiving self first, & let the ripple effect spread where it may.
Survival of the fittest.
Sounds so easy now, when earlier I couldn't bust through beyond
weeping because I wouldn't let myself go out & play...
Every day is a new day, with new beginnings. And tomorrow is another
day, it may be all we have, so let us each be blessed with that
knowledge, & give thanks for the miracle of life while we're here on our
funky & confusing little planet!
:-/
valerie
*sniff*
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