To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/24 22:40
Subject: Re: [K-list] Abuse Poll
From: huka9802:First huka9802:Last
On 2000/06/24 22:40, huka9802:First huka9802:Last posted thus to the K-list:
> > Question: Were you abused as a child? What form did this abuse take?
>
> I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child by an older
brother and neglected by my parents.
>
> How did you deal with the abuse?
>
> I minimized it; it was no big deal. I didn't really even know it wasn't
okay for people to treat me that way. Once when my brother was beating me
up in the living room, my mother was in the kitchen. Afterward, I went in
and asked her why she didn't do anything. She said I had to be tough. So I
always thought the problem was that I wasn't tough enough; I still do. I
still have trouble just allowing myself to feel my feelings; instead I try
to be "tough". plggh!
> Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
I don't know, but I really hate this question. I would rather have had a
happier childhood and be a shallow but happy person than to have gone
through that. I think there are better ways or reasons for a K awakening,
like having mentors, etc. My daughter is totally into pop culture (N Sync,
Backstreet Boys, Indigo Girls, etc.) and paints her nails 3 or 4 times a
week, and I just watch her and am glad. She is also spiritual; the other
night we made prayer ties, and we plan to do some other things and she can
have a quite in-depth conversation. She doesn't like church and neither do
I, but I used to think I should take her. Now I think maybe it's better
this way because she knows she is spiritual and prays, etc. without having
to conform to someone else's ideas. If she wants to attend some kind of
ceremony later with other people that's fine. If I find something around
here that seems to fit and she likes I would do that, but for now we do our
own thing at home.
To actually answer the question, it seems to me like when no one is there
for you, you learn to find the resources within and/or develop more of a
connection to the spiritual world, because the physical world isn't meeting
your needs. I knew a woman who was even more neglected than I was; my
parents were there somewhat. This woman's spiritual connection seemed much
clearer and stronger, to the point of hearing voices, etc. At this point, I
am started to feel clearer and more connected.
In other ways, many ways, I feel like the abuse cut me off from my essence
and I severely limited my experiences because of fear. What I knew what
pretty scary, so maybe what I didn't know would be even worse, so I have
stuck pretty close to home in geography or social life. Only recently, I am
starting to try flutterin my wings a little. It's pretty scary sometimes,
but other times it's wonderful.
Blessings,
Karen
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