To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/24 16:27
Subject: Re: [K-list] Abuse Poll
From: v
On 2000/06/24 16:27, v posted thus to the K-list:
I was severely abused as a child; first I was abandoned by my REAL
father, whom I adored, & he made plans with me over & over & over, &
would not show up, or even call. He preferred getting drunk with his
buddies, over me.
My mother had been involved in a fledgling career as a jazz singer,
& I had not been part of her plan. She took me all over to the back
rooms of bars, so she could party out front, & also to jazz rehearsals
at people's houses, where they all did LOTS more stuff besides play
music & drink. Jim Pepper was a saxophonist about 14 or so then, so it
was his job to babysit me. I dunno if anybody's even heard of him; he
had one big hit, 'WichiTaiToe', & he has since died of dilapitation &
drug abuse in Amsterdam.
My father had my mother committed; she was leaving me with these
horrible "babysitters", for weeks on end. They used to beat me with
thorny sticks - well - it was the husband who did that - or no reasons
whatsoever.
I dunno how my mom pulled it off, but she had an eligible & wealthy
UPI photojournalist pick her up from Dammasch Hospital (of 'One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest' fame), & they picked me up from my dad's new
"family". My dad's new wife had despised me, & her 3 daughters from
another marriage were always favored. I would tell my dad she was lying
so she could lock me up in a room by myself for days, after beating me
for sh*t she would make up out of her head, & when my dad came home he
would also beat me. He never believed me, he believed her.
After a long string of Catholic schools in 4 different states, when I
became of puberty, he threw out my mom (who was strung out on speed &
really WAS an edgey bitch), & began sexually abusing me. I was put in
the place to be mother to my 2 little sisters, very young then, & I was
only 13 & 14. Sexual abuse every night, beatings & almost killing me by
day, making me pose nude for him, my little sisters were thrown out of a
school for "emotionally disturbed children" for being incorrigible, & I
was the one who had to deal with them. It's no wonder I haven't got a
clue how to handle my own daughter Amelia, who is even more pig-headed
than my little sisters were together.
I had to leave home at age 14 & was placed in a string of temporary
foster homes. My mother was the one who drove down from Portland &
signed me over to 'Catholic Social Services'.
Unfortunately for her, they could not place me in any permanent
situation, because there were none, so I had to go north to be with her
because they had no more temporary foster homes left.
The night I arrived she forgot about me & let me sit in the rain on
her porch because she was out drinking with her friends. Her male
roommate came home first, from driving cab, & he was blasted & tried to
seduce me.
Anyway, that's only the half of it.
Yes, it did drive me to yoga & meditation, only I had blocked out my
whole childhood & including my 20's & '30's, & have only recently. the
past couple years, have begun to remember. All that crap which was
*stuffed* for survival's sake has begun the process of pain & torture
that I had no time for, until recently. Every little trigger - I cannot
even be in love with anyone because I am overwhelmed with the emotional
pain I need to go thru & purge. Sometimes all it takes is a smile...
Even right now, it is a GORGEOUS sunny day here. Everyone is out
enjoying the sun. I did my radio show & could go out to a beach, but I
won't let myself. I can't be around people because I can't trust that
they wouldn't totally freak me out. And when I began this post I was
crying about it. Because I really want to go out & have fun deep inside,
but won't let myself. I guess it's the *adult* & *inner child*relations.
My *adult* tortures me by the reclusiveness & total isolation from
people. Even when I want to mingle, it's totallyt theatre arts any joy
I might glean.
Writing this has helped relieve the tension of abandonment &
isolation.
Thankyou all, & God/ess bless the internet!
;-)
valerie
> Dear List,
>
> The sensitive issue of Child Abuse has been an undercurrent on this list over
> the years. I believe it to be one of the "triggers" to later awakening.
>
> Question: Were you abused as a child? What form did this abuse take?
>
> How did you deal with this abuse?
>
> Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
>
> Please feel free to E-mail me privately.
>
> Love, Hillary
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