To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/12 00:14
Subject: [K-list] If Wishes were Horses
From: v
On 2000/06/12 00:14, v posted thus to the K-list:
I guess while still on the topic, I may as well describe these
situations, as they have kept occurring over & over for so long.
Today was a very quiet Sunday on our island. There were no cruise
ships in, & very few people were even on the streets.
It was a beautiful sunny day & ideally cool breezes.
In the late afternoon I drove to the store.
I really think it has helped being able to share my dilemma about
this guy on this forum; I am no longer weeping & gnashing my teeth, &
some sort of boundaries having to do with self-respect have been
erected. And thankyou for your patience with me as I am trying to sort
this stuff out.
I drove to the store, passing his shop, & no problem there.
But, as I drove back home, there he was, in front of his shop in the
sun, & actually glowing a huge loving aura at me, (or maybe NOT at me,
maybe it was just his general mood).
I met his eyes & waved at him CASUALLY, & he just glowed back at me,
not even bothering to wave, but met my eyes with a huge smile of
amusement, & I just melted. Well, I'm sure I must have looked just
totally baffled & somewhat pissed at his lack of casualness, after all
my work.
Nobody else was around. And I realize that I have been smitten, but
truly working on being just a "friend", casually. And I did fine with
that; to meet his eyes & just a casual wave as I drove by. Then, here he
is teasing me again & embracing me with his eyes & his warm glowingness,
but no casual wave, like mine. Just a deep loving feeling (but likely it
is my imagination).
It is such torture to endure being the one who feels everything. My
empathy makes it so I do pick up every little psychic nuance, but to
continuously have to reprocess & redefine such intense feelings for him,
& he is still teasing me in a very cruel way.
I suppose it must be a real head trip in an egotistical way to have
someone like me being a fool over him. He said he was taken, & I'm
working so hard to outgrow my foolishness. But all he did was look at
me; there's nothing wrong with that, right?
Except then I go home alone & torture myself inwardly for being an
"innocent" & totally inept at knowing how to act, or what to think next.
I think he enjoys torturing me.
I am just blowing off steam. Thankyou for providing some space that I
can scream the primal scream in words, instead of bottling it up inside
like I have been doing the past 3 years. Too much grief over him has
caused me monthes of bitter tears so far, at great harm to myself - my
psyche.
Where's the animus when I need him most???
valerie
ps (don't mean to be boring; just staying sane ((i hope)) )
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