To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/11 16:48
Subject: [K-list] re:stifled
From: Kaura puckett
On 2000/06/11 16:48, Kaura puckett posted thus to the K-list:
I wanted to respond to the responses on "stifled", but
they ALL had valid points and I couldn't figure out
which lines to cut and paste without pasting the whole
digest!
I have been going through it this last year or so with
a relationship. I didn't have a lover for 3 years
before my current came along, and I have never ever
had a relationship like this before. It's like El
said, to paraphrase- it's sort of a mixed package.
During the time previous to this I spent all my time
studying and pursuing my "path", I had a few friends
but I was very serious and hermit-like. This
relationship had taught me SO much, mostly about
losing my allusions about me and what kind of person I
am. It's pretty easy for me to be "spiritual" when
I'm alone, even though it's lonely. Now for the last
3 months I've been a demoness. I'm angry and bitchy
ALOT. And that is very uncomfortable for me to deal
with. I am having to learn to deal with really
negative aspects of myself. I feel like a made some
sort of breakthrough the other day, while I was
driving and pondering "accepting myself and
integrating my anger and blah, blah, blah," and how I
was suppossed to do that when I am so uncomfortable
with it and so on.... and all the sudden I realized
that that anger is really a self-protection device, if
I didn't get angry I would let people walk all over me
all the time, and if I didn't vent my anger no one
would know, nor would they care. And on top of all
that, it's potent energy that could even be
life-saving under the right circumstances! That may be
fairly obvious, but it was big news to me!
So although it is painfull growth, the relationship is
forcing me to deal with stuff.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness stuff....
Anyways, if it was me, Valerie, I think I would just
say -delete explicative delete explicative- to the
loser guy and spend all that energy your using to
mourn him on doing things to enrich yourself right
now. Maybe you could really concentrate on working on
the issues that you feel caused you to push him away
to begin with. Grow somehow, become someone he'll be
sorry he didn't appreciate, (or stick around long
enough to). You know they say success is the best
revenge! I'm not trying to discount your feelings in
the least, I know how it feels to wake up and cry
because you feel so alone and wonder how to make it
through another day, but every season has it's rewards
as well as it's pains. I also don't understand the
Divine beloved, either, I would just try to love
myself enough to make up for the lack of another. I
guess it's really the same thing, it just seems
complex to me....
Of course, if you had been around me much lately, you
might want to think real carefully before listening to
any of my advice!
from the demoness-in-training
Kaura
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