To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/05 03:10
Subject: [K-list] Manifesting Life Beyond Sorrow
From: v
On 2000/06/05 03:10, v posted thus to the K-list:
I wish there could be a website where we could go to add power to our
prayers, to clarify our intentions, & make sense of our impetuses &
frustrations.
There was that guy who was looking for followers on here; said he was
a guru, & then disappeared. I had written him, & he wrote back that I
had much more experience than him, but offered his knowledge of the
Vedas as an option. I took him up on that option, but he disappeared
anyway.
When we are upon the spiritual path, how do we make sense of our
emotions? Are they triggers to a higher path? Should we take medication
to get through them? Or are they just chicken sh*t illusions because we
become needy of human validation?
I harbored such an unrequited love for a man here, for over 3 years.
Everytime I had a "chance", I became all confused inside & so hurt &
acted weird. I realized the hurt was from my past history of abuses, yet
didn't know how to act; how to look at him & feel the deep feelings that
he invoked within me. Instead I reacted in very shallow games playing,
something I seldom do. By night I was totally in love with him, but
clear light of day - well, I was still in love with him, but could not
&/or would not let him know. Now he has gone & fallen in love with a
married woman, who is also a "watercolor artist", as I should be. Except
she has it so easy, going from one doting husband to my friend (whatever
"friend" means. I guess if he were really my *friend* he wouldn't be
having an illicit affair with a tame & pansy married woman), but I could
have learned how to love him.
I'm fairly certain that he turned away from me because I am not just
"available", but also needy. I haven't even had a hug in about 4 years.
But also there is the fact of the matter that I came from a very
dysfunctional childhood & don't even KNOW how to act like a woman in
love.
I'm such a fool; that I could keep loving this man, & he didn't want
me, because he was scared of the intensity & inner chemical attraction,
which i should have hidden from him. But I didn't know how to act & was
too slow, as usual, to even realize that he might have made room in his
life for me. Now he is involved with a married woman - a "kept woman".
She has taken to always being there at his shop, she does "watercolor
demonstrations" when it is sunny, & rearranges the Alaska-art
merchandise all in between.
How could I NOT notice?
But, it is none of my business; I guess I had a chance once, & didn't
know how to take it. he's not at fault; we never slept together. I just
have loved him very deeply, & not known how to act because of it.
There's such a magnitude of difference between superficial artists
who are "kept" & paint tame floral &/or wilderness paintings. As for
myself; I am pretty tortured, but have original ideas, of which I have a
couple options to express, but am rather a reclusive mystic about it.
This other woman has been married all this time, with no
responsibilities, & so that is why she only paints supericial flora &
fauna. maybe I should be feeling sorry for her, even though she took the
man I love. What does this say about the man I love?
Is it that when we love a man, we (as women/man) need to take the
place of our beloved's mother, & just be submissive to their every want
& need? To sew & cook & clean the house, & worship our "beloved men"
unconditionally?
Do the beloved men still just go out & kill for food, & women be
passive & tend the hearth fires?
I never knew or saw when I drove him away. He's a simple man, & I am
a very complicated woman who needs mega-healing.
None of this information do I really know for certain, but as an
empath, I feel strongly it is true.
Somebody took a can of ugly brown spray paint to his VW van, & I
would imagine it is the husband of Ms. "Watercolor artist".
I have been on my own since I was 14, & have never had the
opportunity to be a "kept woman". But maybe that's something I need to
look at?
I can never even bear to ask for help, except in prayer, & it is
hurting very much that I cannot manage to ask for help, & my beloved man
has turned away in favor of a married woman who watercolors mere flowers
& flora & fauna, with no depth. She just manages to be doting, & reminds
me of how the conquest from another man (husband) must be so
irresistable & flattering.
What do the men say? Is it more enticing to strike up a love affair
with a married woman, or succumb to the love of someone who seems
"needy", but is single?
I have wrote myself to exhaustion here with this post. I wish I could
wake up tomorrow & be back to normal. I never realized how I love/(ed)
this man, & now it is too late.
And so I must retain my position as a tortured flakey artist. I think
I shall never fall in love with anyone ever again...
v
--
http://www.blazing-trails.com/Valerie/index.html
Confucius say: "If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people"
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