To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/05/18 02:22
Subject: [K-list] I want to start a New Cult.
From: Ben Holland
On 2000/05/18 02:22, Ben Holland posted thus to the K-list:
Hi.
Ben here.
Listen, I was thinking about starting up a new cult but I am having
some difficulty trying to actully come up with a plan for it. I have so many
ideas that I just can find which one I should go with.
Maybe you could all help me out by choosing some of the ideas
from the list below.
Thanks again for all your time.
All the best.
Please help me to choose from one of the following.
a - 1
b -7
c -4
you know.......
(a)My cult is founded on:
(1) Mormonism
(2) Islam
(3) Pentecostal Fundamentalism
(4) the legends of Cthulhu and the Elder Gods
(5) the stricter teachings of Catholicism
(6) the stricter teachings of the Discordians
(7) the Christian Identity movement
(8) a Hindu death cult
(9) a dream I had
(10) the Church of the SubGenius
(b) We believe that:
(1)neither Jesus nor Mohammed was the final Prophet
(2)America is controlled by Satanic child abusers
(3)the New World Order threatens believers everywhere
(4)nothing is true
(5)our God is a vengeful God
(6)aliens are coming to punish humanity
(7)true salvation is only reached through sexual ecstasy
(8)meditation heals all mental and physical ailments
(9)nothing is worth dying for
(10)abortion is murder and must be outlawed
(c) We also believe that:
(1)aliens are coming to save humanity
(2)our God is a loving God
(3)extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice
(4)I am the final Prophet
(5)death is liberation
(6)everything is permissible
(7)sacred music is the key to understanding God
(8)being 'born again' through baptism is the only way to heaven
(9)hell is other people
(10)money is the root of all evil
(d) We predict the world will end:
(1)sooner than you think
(2)tomorrow
(3)on December 31, 1999
(4)on December 21, 2012
(5)on July 5, 1998
(6)as soon as the New World Order destroys our church
(7)when ZOG crucifies Christ again
(8)when hell freezes over
(9)sometime in the 25th century
(10)when Jesus returns to kill us all
(11)when Satan wins the final battle
(12)the day after the aliens rise from the oceans
(e) My disciples call me:
(1)MessiahMaster
(2)Humble One
(3)YES ! Lord my GOD!!!!
(4)Christ
(5)Buddha II - the return
(6)Son/Daughter of Gaia
(7)'Rick'
(8)He/She Who Can Not Be Named
(9)Dad.
(f) I have performed many miracles, including:
(1)turning water into wine
(2)raising the dead
(3)raising myself from the dead
(4)slaying my enemies with a thought
(5)levitating
(6)telepathy
(7)defeating vastly superior foes by raising my staff over my head
(8)spontaneous devolution
(9)evading the IRS
(10)assuming the forms of various animals including shrimp.
(g) Another miracle I have performed is:
(1)impregnating virgins from a distance
(2)feeding 2000 people with food meant for 20
(3)liberating the spirits of the forest
(4)healing cancer and AIDS through sexual excess
(5)consuming vast amounts of drugs or alcohol while remaining stone sober
(6)reversing the aging process
(7)electing Arkansas governors with questionable pasts and shady friends
(8)shaving my dogs ass and making him walk backwards.
(9)parting the Red Sea
(10parting all the legs of every female member of my new religion with a
single thought.
(h)I was shaped by my childhood experiences of:
(1)powerful doubts
(2)powerful orgasms
(3)mind-numbing abuse at the hands of priests and nuns
(4)constant boredom
(5)lots of rock music concerts
(6)bestiality and incest
(7)LSD flashbacks
(8)visions of Our Lord
(9)several victories in major tango dancing competitions.
(10)repeated electroshock therapy
(i) My followers are mostly:
(1)students
(2)recovering Catholics
(3)recovering teenaged mothers and hairy, middle-aged men
(4)loners and psychopaths
(5)half-human, half-fish
(6)ascetics and self-loathing intellectuals
(7)brain-dead and insane
(8)white people who love their race and heritage
(9)acid-gobbling orgy freaks
(10)men with big mustaches and deep insecurities about their masculinity
(j) I live with my followers in my:
(1)rural farm compound still waiting for Y2K.
(2)inner-city barracks
(3)jungle village
(4)mountain retreat
(5)impenetrable suburban fortress
(6)mother's house
(7)hidden complex of subterranean caves out in the Nevada desert.
(8)famous downtown skyscraper
(9)ramshackle house on campus
(10)secret headquarters on the moon
(k) We want to tell the truth about:
(1)JFK's assassination
(2) The rap music industry
(3) the coming End Times that where supposed to end last week.
(4)interspecies sex
(5)our sick, depraved modern society
(6)the Zionist conspiracy
(7)our Founding Fathers............in jail at the moment.
(8)the dark side of the Force
(9)The wing ming fling that is hidden amoung the monkeys in an australian
zoo.
(10)the frozen head of Walt Disney
(L) In order to tell the truth, we have to fight:
(1)ZOG
(2)the media
(3)the Normals
(4)real dirty, like rabid fucking dogs
(5)the Men in Black
(6)with cancer-causing death rays
(7)the Nazis of the New World Order
(8)the anti-human forces of the Right
(9)all the other goddamn religions of the world
(10)the Puritans of Hate
(m) Persecution of my cult started when the police discovered some:
(1)allegations of child abuse
(2)weapons purchases
(3)public sex rituals
(4)old tax returns
(5)of our corpses
(6)pictures of some human organs on my altar.
(7)of our pirate television shows called - ATTACK FORCE WOLF V
(8)embarrassing drug deals gone bad
(9)fresh, cute, young acolytes
(10)of our attempts to bomb the United Nations H.Q.
(n) We have been persecuted by:
(1)the ATF, the CIA and the FBI
(2)black helicopters with surveillance equipment
(3)that stupid guy from the Today show
(4)those nosy kids in their Mystery Machine
(5)Jehovah's Witnesses
(6)God Himself
(7)rival aliens
(8)ex-cult members on the book circuit
(9)swingers and ex-hippies
(10)hackers and phone pranksters
(o) I expect our cult to vanish when:
(1)the government kills us all by burning our home to the ground
(2)the government kills us all by poisoning our water supply
(3)the government kills us all by keeping us out of the water for over an
hour
(4)the government kills us all by ignoring warnings about the ozone layer
(5)I get a record contract and move to Los Angeles
(6)the aliens take us to Planet X
(7)the very earth beneath our feet dissolves to dust
(8)we realize what utter fools we are
(9)the Rapture hits
(10)the media stops paying attention to us
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