To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/05/12 15:13
Subject: Re: [K-list] Is everyone ok re these crazy entities?.
From: Wim Borsboom
On 2000/05/12 15:13, Wim Borsboom posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Lou
You wrote:
> I had these feelings (deep empty pit feeling in my
> stomach) before but transmuted them...
> This was years ago.
Lou, I've noticed over the last week that you are doing extremely well on
the and AHA!!! front. In fact you are getting so close to the original
integrated self that the original *physical feelings* that the original
body-self had when it was still integrated with the whole being are being
revived. That they feel so much the same to the feeling of anxiety when you
were in the depressed state is understandable. When one is acutely depressed
or in a anxiety or panic state one actually remembers and feels the physical
feelings OF the moment AT the moment when the first or worst violation of
one's integrity took place. That last physical memory of that moment, even
though it felt ugly at the moment of the violation, it felt sweet just
before that violation. Unfortunately that feeling (solar plexus chakra in
your case) became associated with the moment of pain or loss of integrity.
What you feel now is the original feeling of your sweetness but not
connected to the feeling of wellbeing yet (usually that of a sweet, strong
and happy infant at the moment of clarity while playing and and in a state
of free willed imagination and creativity.) The feeling that you have now
needs to be reconnected with the recovered state of wellness and
integartion.
I'll write a little bit about myself, not necessarily how I went about my
reintegration... there would be too much crazy detail to get into now, and I
have written about much of that before.
When I was in the thralls of my deepest depression I experienced intense
panic and anxiety feelings all through my body but especially concentrated
around the the chakra areas in the front of my body. It was as though the
chakras were directed the wrong way, out instead of in or in instead of
out. Or they were revolving the wrong way, leftward instead of rightward or
vice versa. But they always felt as though they were in need and empty...
Whereas now they are all pointing and turning properly: accepting as well as
giving, gregarious as well as grateful, sharing as well as participating. I
had to reinterprete those feelings though, bring them back in with a clear
mind and free will, almost like reprogramming my mind and body as you are
doing now I expect. It is a matter of breaking those feelings loose from
the associations with losses, hurts and violations and recovering their
original feelings of wholeness and integrity.
I'm not writing the following list to show off, but to give directions in
which way to work at these things to rebuild the original physical feelings
and destroy the old associations.
By the way, THEN I went through many years of intense hurt in the first six
years of my life, from attempts to be killed in a occupied hospital during
the tail end of the second world war, sexual molestations, attempts to be
burned and strangulated. I pretty well experienced the whole range of
calamities that can befall a human being. NOW I AM OK
I will describes the characteristics of my physical and emotional feelings
before and after the transformation from the bottom up so to say, according
to sequence of our main chakras or energy centers.
. THEN, anal retention, holding in and back, diarhea and constipation. NOW,
vitality with a wonderful feeling of contentedness and stability around the
peri-anal area. (Sometimes like the sweet feelings of a good crap or a nice
pee. Hehehe, wee wee wee wee, hehehe. I had to do a lot of work in that
area.) The potty frustrations!
. THEN, obsessed eroticism as in negative horniness :-), deviated needy
homo-erotic and pedophile tendencies (taking i.s.o. giving). NOW, the most
fantastic unconditional eroticism without express need for climax or orgasm.
Rather equanimious feelings of always being in the sweetest state of sensual
love. Sexuality and eroticism are so wonderful and sweet and constancy is a
their main characteristic.
. THEN, anxiety and extreme unfulfillable nervous emptiness in the pit of my
stomach, fear and shakines from the navel down into my legs and calves,
stomach problems and indigestion. NOW, intuitive benevolent gut feelings
directed by a mental clarity and a freeness of will. Independent of
conditions. My navel area always filled with the sweetest feelings of gentle
and fulfilledness happiness. No intestinal problems anymore and a normal
uncomplex appetite not based on obsessive -isms.
. THEN, distress around the heart, poor breathing, heart palpitations,
constriction with breathing, heaviness in the lungs and painful pangs on the
left side of the heart, fear of contact, shutting myself off and in, or an
artificial extravertedness and forced ebulience. NOW, the sweet feelings of
something resembling puppy-love. Remember your first love, how tender,
gentle sweet around the chest area, the feeling of happy butterflies when
you were anticipating meeting your love again. The left and right side of
the chest so large and filled with a gladdeing vastness. Taking in, giving
out... breathing wholeheartedly in an upward direction... feeling the divine
heart within.
. THEN, a harsh, raspy, crackly voice almost. Keeping the neck and upper
back muscles tight while speaking... Keeping those neck muscles tight
against the gripping pressure from the outside about to suffocate you
expressiveness. An overzealous security and dogmaticism, not accepting
contradiction, arrogance. NOW, a softer voice, less of a voice... almost a
voice that waits for and listens for the feedback. Singing and humming often
or just sounding one's breathing. An ease and willingness to yawn and open
up, the sweet relaxed sighs of relief and inner peace. Speaking my
intentions, aspiration, hopes and dreams. Also not being afraid to sing
someone else's and my own praises when those hopes have been realized. The
hoorays for accomplishment. The Ahas of discoveries, The Hehes of merriment.
The Hahahas of exuberance. The falsetto laughter of satori. The honey taste
of nectar down my throat.
. THEN, dreams for escape sake, fantasies of grandeur, megalomania, dreams
of being chased, flooded away by uncontrollable streams of fear down my
brains, the headaches. The imaginations of deviations and weirdity. The
somberness, the abyss, blankness, the armageddon internalized in myself and
wished for to befall the world as reprisal. NOW realizable dreams,
blueprints to be executed and finalized. The restful enjoyment and sitting
back in contentedness after a finished project. The justified satisfaction
of a dream well realized and a job well done. Not dreams of what I wished to
do or would have done but of what I will do and what will be done. (What
will be done is already done!) The divinity of the human being, the humanity
of the divine live. Psyche and Amor in love (Left and right sides of the
brain integrating maybe ?!!!) Sweetness in the brow and temples as though an
embracing of the two sides of the brain...masculinty and femininity
undifferentiated or not putting conditions each other's expectations.
. THEN, the utter forlorneness, the desolate loniliness, the hatred and
apathy. The utter disconnectedness from any reality. The doubt about the
reality of reality itself. The all encompassing illusivenes, the utter
suffering and crazines. Existence led by guilt and suffering. Being just a
figment of some misguided imagination. NOW, I JUST AM. The glory, the bliss,
the unconditional happiness. The freedom and independence as well the
respectful responsibility to the simplest good, truth and love.
And all that FELT physically as well as creatively as well as volitionally
as well as emotionally as well as vocationally as well as inspirationally as
well as holistically.
> I've been
> waking up the last two days with the same deep empty pit feeling in my
> stomach that I used to have when I had those feelings and I assumed I was
> depressed.
> This time around, I am able to separate myself from the feeling
> and just observe it curiously. It is intense and definitely there but has
no
> effect on me. I know I am not depressed but had I not learned to detach,
> these feelings would be driving me nuts.
So the idea is not to detach because those feelings will come up again and
they have to. That is part of what K does... For me all the feelings (the
experience of unconditional energy running through your body) that used to
be linked to anxiety and panic and suffering and guilt are now cleaned up
and an expressions of the conditionless state...
As always I use too many words, Lou... but I hope it will help you see the
context and the direction that this takes. Manu saints of yore have stumbled
over this, been confused by it, and asked for God's help in this...
eventually falling into the total state of grace and glory... The feelings
you feel are the happy forebodings of that.
Love and "Way to go, Lou, good for you."
Wim
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