To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/04/20 16:25
Subject: Re: [K-list] Madness poll results
From: Druout
On 2000/04/20 16:25, Druout posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List,
Thanks to all! :))
18 people responded to the poll.
To the question, "How many of us have feared we were going mad." only one
answered "no."
HOSPITALIZED:
6 people spent time in mental hospitals. The time spent there ranged from a
week to 2 years. In all but two cases, however, the time hospitalized was
between a week and ten days. The other two were 1 1/2 months and 2 years.
2 were voluntary admissions, 2 were drug related, one was for being "a danger
to self," and one was for a suicide attempt.
***
DIAGNOSIS
11 people were diagnosed at one time or another.
The diagnoses for those 6 who were hospitalized were as follows (some
multiple diagnoses).
Bi polar
ADD
Addictive personality
Depression
Harmfull use of psychoactive substances
Harmfull use of psychoactive substances combined with
unspecified psychosis-family disease
Schizoid personality disorder/psychosis-type personality disorder
Manic-depression w/single schizophrenaform psychotic episode
Two of these people were later told they were normal or never did have
psychotic symptoms
Of those 11 people who feared they were going mad but were not hospitalized:
6 people replied they had never been diagnosed
3 people were diagnosed with depression
1 person was diagnosed with acute psychotic depression
1 person declared sane
***
SYMPTOMS:
Altered states of perceiving reality/OBE's/bilocation/disconnectedness: 7
people
Overwhelming fear, fear of going mad, terror, mental agony, oppressive sense
of doom: 5 people
Hearing voices: 4 people
Depression: 4 people
Mood shifts, hatred for life, rage: 4
Inability to sleep/sleep disturbances: 3
Seeing things or feeling things "not there"/demons: 3
Religious delusion/delusions: 3
Inablility to concentrate: 3
Paranoia: 2
Overwhelming sensitivity/hearing people's minds: 2
****
Some excerpts:
I knew I was going mad, and at the time welcomed it ( was being severely
bullied, with no help at hand.). The symptoms were: chronic sleeplessness,
gothic ideation (like seeing myself dead but alive), seeing things that
weren't there (in my mind, superimposed on "reality"), slipping out of the
present - adrift in time - travelling to places I didn't recognise, living
a dream reality (internal world superimposed on external one), things
becoming symbols of meaning rather than what they were, and a sense of my
self-image mutating beyond most ppl's semblance of normality. I was going
*strange*.
***
Me, symptoms- extreme fear, fear of going mad coz it all happened so fast and
I was feeling like I was not in control of this trip. Jumping out of body
regularly, being able to understand Buddhist teachings before reading them,
going into silly positions of yoga for no reason and at inappropriate times,
having orgasms during the working day in the middle of sentences with no
apparent sexual object in sight, paranoia, extreme sensitivity, feeling the
ground under my feet with every step, hair on my arms going up all the time
and on the neck. Made me hurt if it was a strong breeze. sounds too loud.
People's voices were too loud and I had to run away with my hands over my
ears, Meeting people for the first time or after a few times and physically
crying because I was so happy to see them living. Feeling demons were all
around me and trying to touch me -- ps, they were
***
Never feared l was going mad, never hospitalized or diagnosed. Hey, one
horrible thing about k l haven't had -- hooray! Then again, some (like Glenn
Morris) have implied that it's not a genuine k experience unless you HAVE
gone mad at some point.
***
For me one of the worst aspects was to sense that something was very wrong
but not finding anybody (I consulted doctors, psychologists and
psychiatrists) willing and able to diagnose and offer constructive help.
Drugs didn't work and it really became a question of accepting the situation,
gritting my teeth and being determined to somehow see myself through the
whole mess I was in or, alternatively throw myself in front of a train. But
there was no question about it there was something definitely very out of
balance, a tentative diagnosis was that of acute psychotic depression, but it
didn't really fit the standard clinical description of that state.
***
Subsequently, my
perceptions of reality changed to include heightened awareness,
intuitiveness, compassion and love for all humanity, synchronicity's happened
on a regular basis, my perception of beauty was heightened to the point that
I could be moved to tears looking at the sky. In addition, my subtle energy
body/fields were incredibly sensative....my body tingled and I felt like I
was glowing from the inside out. ... Through it all
there was a part of me that wondered if I was having a really awesome nervous
breakdown, but there was no way I intended on finding a cure. In retrospect,
I was likely borderline manic at the time, but something inside resisted
interfering with the experience.
***
symptoms that made me think I was crazy:
Seeing the activities of the crown chakra.
Actually, seeing (awareness) of any energy period.
Half telepathic and full telepathic conversations.
Feeling like I was present in more locations than 1.
Recieving information anomolously and in the state of
mind of connectedness, integrating them as reality
(more on this one later, when I get a chance)
***
I had more
than enough experience with "modern psychiatry": folks, if you ever get
tempted to ask for psychiatric help, don't. I never saw a situation where
they helped people, they just make them numb and dormant so that they don't
make trouble.
***
Since my re-awakening about 5 years ago, i had several periods where i
thought i was going mad. Which all had to do with releasing repressed
trauma from my early youth. The symptoms were feeling terrified, knowing
something i about to happen with me in all various ways, killer rage
etc.
***
K has produced states of intense, irrational fear for me. On one occasion,
this fear was so overwhelming I stayed up all night in an intense, fairly
psychotic state, waiting to die, certain my death was coming that day.
Death from what, I did not know. I had to call in family to help me, and
insisted on being taken to a doctor (or did they insist on taking me?). It
passed of within a day. Nothing has since quite matched that terror, but I
did experience terror, some paranoia, and intense non-specific fear for
several years cyclicly as pms symptoms since k awakening. It got milder
and milder over time.
***
I went through a period of seriously questioning my mental health after
that & came to the conclusion that while on 'the walk' there is a period of
this exploration on the edges of society. *It was the incredible
oneness and energy with of the universe--but INSIDE me-- that caused the fear
at
first. * I would wake up in the middle of the night and expect the kundalini
to
be gone, but it wasn't going anywhere. My spiritual supervisor said
it awakens and never leaves.
***
Feeling crazy is, for
me, the feeling of being too far outta whack to find the center again,
like when the carousel spins too fast and you just want OFF! I have that
every now and then too. As I sit here outside of that space (LOL!), I
think it almost always has to do with fear getting the best of me. Even
as a kid I never felt like the notion of being human which I had learned
quite jived with the one I felt. I questioned myself and tried to be
good. But never quite believed the sham and never quite gave it up.
Somewhere in there, I would run into bouts of real agony which made me
feel insane, and sucked all the energy out 'til i felt helpless and
hopeless. If my life hadn't rolled just exactly as it did, through loss
and good fortune, I might be feeling that way now.
***
For me, it was anxiety/increased energy state.
***
I can honestly say the 'madness' of k has been far preferable than any
madness I had before. It has given me a peculiar discernment into the
craziness of awakening. Every day is a new day to be discovered, like
a baby.
****************
Poll questions:
Dear List,
I just got back from a short vacation. *Welcome* to all newcomers!! Given
the nature of some recent posts, I thought a poll on this very sensitive
issue would be interesting. Soooo:
*****
An activated Kundalini commonly results in symptoms that can be confused with
mental illness. This often causes a fear that one is going mad, and actually
may cause a diagnosis of mental illness.
Questions:
How many of us have feared we were going mad. What symptoms caused this fear?
How many of us have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness? What
form?
How many of us have been hospitalized for mental illness? For how long?
For obvious reasons :)) all responses sent to me directly will be kept
completely confidential. Let me know if excerpts can be posted in the final
tally.
Love, Hillary
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1/2200/3/_/680797/_/956273150/
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.