To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/04/15 16:28
Subject: [K-list] Re: prana dots Re: Madness Poll - all strung together
From: Scott Routen
On 2000/04/15 16:28, Scott Routen posted thus to the K-list:
First, thanks for working out the confusion about prana dot (faerie
pixels) and reality pixels. I can say that I can probably relate to the
reality pixels too if i'm right in thinking we're talking about the same
thing. I had visualized the room-protection-and-energization spell that
Mystress Angelique posted a while back and got some splendid results.
The room in question has usurped the kitchen as the naturally favorite
hang-out spot with friends and kids (well, except for the tv room). But
for several days thereafter both the room in particular, and the world
in general, seemed somehow to be more liquid, like dreams. And I could
"see" all surfaces dancing with light like a cross between the raining
data effect in the movie 'Matrix,' and the way light plays underwater on
the wall of a pool or the skin of dolphins. It was utterly pleasant but
it made it hard to concentrate on anything that wasn't simply fun. Like
folding clothes as opposed to drawing or conversation. The phenomenon
was strongly connected to my coccyx, like it was some kind of
transmitter pulsing this out. Its good to hear that others have seen
things equally weird and wonderful.
And this ties into the question of perceiving madness because there are
certainly people in my life I don't feel comfortable talking openly with
about all this. (Thank's again you all, for existing). Being labelled
insane and feeling insane are two different animals for me. And I bring
up the difference because I have been afraid of being labelled with
madness for most of my life. COZ I'M SO FRIKKIN' WEIRD INSIDE!! But that
fear kind of fell away at the gates of chapel perilous
(http://deoxy.org/cc-chap3.htm) during a period where karma burned out
most of my old life. Which is a whole other story. Feeling crazy is, for
me, the feeling of being too far outta whack to find the center again,
like when the carousel spins too fast and you just want OFF! I have that
every now and then too. As I sit here outside of that space (LOL!), I
think it almost always has to do with fear getting the best of me. Even
as a kid I never felt like the notion of being human which I had learned
quite jived with the one I felt. I questioned myself and tried to be
good. But never quite believed the sham and never quite gave it up.
Somewhere in there, I would run into bouts of real agony which made me
feel insane, and sucked all the energy out 'til i felt helpless and
hopeless. If my life hadn't rolled just exactly as it did, through loss
and good fortune, I might be feeling that way now. Things started
getting startlingly weirder for me on February 18 and it wasn't long
afterwards that I made my way by kurious circumstance to this list. I'm
also lucky to have one and perhaps two close friends experiencing K
symptoms and going through all this at the same time. We get to talk
ourselves out of feeling crazy together.
So I'll quit going on and answer the poll.
>How many of us have feared we were going mad. What symptoms caused this fear?
As above, the carousel whirls (metaphorically AND experientially) too
fast. The voice of the inner judge may get VERY loud. The 'normal' data
feeds (i.e. perceptions in customary mode) go garbage leading to
feelings of being 'cut off' from the zone where everyone else is. And by
garbage i don't mean that i hear gibbberish or see static, i just can't
relate to it right. Access denied to good feelings. Has been extreme
only two or three times in my life. Has played in small ways
occasionally. Always correlates with stress. There is usually a fear of
manifesting my genius involved. A suprising benefit of K is feeling like
I have an unexpected (and unpredictable) power boost to help with that,
eventually.
>How many of us have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness? What form?
Never diagnosed. Why tell that strange man in the white coat? I feel
lucky to have avoided that. I don't mind opening up for compassionate
people though, white coats or none. I seemed normal and no one asked.
>How many of us have been hospitalized for mental illness? For how long?
Never hospitalized. I have often fantasized about having time to paint
if I were. That's not supposed to sound flippant BTW, its just true. I
have great compassion for people who have something clearly much worse
than I've ever experienced.
I still have a kind of performance anxiety related to fears of being
thought mad by others. I feel like if I keep up with my obligations,
which are heavy right now, i can make it through this with all my colors
tattered yet intact. But some days, like today actually, i don't feel
like doing anything. And when the pedal hits the metal and i haven't
done what i promised or what i feel like i should, i'm accountable for
it solely. If i don't perform, i have to explain, then they'll think i'm
mad! Actually, I could care less if they think i'm mad. I'm worried
about not being able to do it for my kids' sake. And i'm also worried
that i'm supressing K somehow in trying to accomplish it. My K activity
has declined these last two weeks markedly. I used to have a wildly
spinning hyper-ticklish firework wheel at the base of my spine round the
clock but its subsided to a mere sparkler. Still kicks up every now and
then tho.
Something that's helped me deal with this fear of madness is, with the
loving support of others, truly accepting a variant of the cosmic joke,
which for me goes "yeah, i'm a luminous alien, so what? i'll *shine* if
you like, and if you don't, i'll laugh, coz you're one too AND YOU DON'T
KNOW IT! hahahah! (deep full belly laugh).
And one little thing more. I think all caps HAS A POWER OF ITS OWN WHICH
IS NOT LIKE SHOUTING AT ALL. For instance "I HAVE A DREAM!!!!!" I thinks
caps can be sonorous. tremolo. where shouting is a matter of diction,
not letterform.
namaste,
S
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