To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/03/10 16:10
Subject: [K-list] Re: Fwd: Re:new Buddha..
From: Jani Mattsson
On 2000/03/10 16:10, Jani Mattsson posted thus to the K-list:
From: Jani Mattsson <jmattsso+onelistATnospamniksula.hut.fi>
In digest #62 Mystress Angelique wrote to Moonshadow:
> When you become firm in that, and fall in love with your *self*, others
>will be attracted by that.. the love flowing out of you from the inner
>relationship with the Divine Beloved will attract more lovers than you
>want, or need.. and when you stay firm, and keep putting Goddess First,
>that love will attract one who will also put Goddess within themselves
>first, and your love for each other will be blissful sharing of two whole
>people, instead of two half people trying to complete themselves by trying
>call "falling in love"..
> Love fearlessly, love Goddess and love yourself, love Goddess in all
>things.... and that love will flow back to you, multiplied.
I sincerely hope this really is so... this comment by Mystress Angeligue
and the other comments in the same mail remind me of much that I've been
going through lately. I'm 23 (and male, if the Finnish names don't make
much sense to you, think of my first name as a Finnish version of 'Ian')
and have to this day had no relationships. I used to be a bit shy and
not very outgoing, but that is not the case anymore, but that doesn't
seem to help at all. It seems that I somehow subconsciously avoid
getting into a relationship, although that is not the will of my
conscious mind. Before I used to be mostly confused, now I believe the
reason to be that I just haven't met anyone that would really be equal
to me. As I've learned to know myself better, especially the spiritual
side of myself, now I actually believe that spirituality, or this
self-lovingness described by Mystress is the key quality I've been
longing for all the time. When I read Mystress' words, I had the feeling
that this is actually something what I've been intuitively looking for
all along, however hopeless the quest may at times have seemed.
Well, perhaps a short introduction to why I am on this list in the first
place would be appropriate before going on. I'm not absolutely sure
whether I have K awakened or not, but I suspect that may be the case.
My awareness of K and the spiritual things in general started last summer,
till then I had successfully avoided encountering them at the conscious
level. My parents used to have and still have interest in various kinds
of spiritual things, that I used to consider as a bit weird and odd
things to do, not understanding them as I've now started to do. Well,
anyway, I was taught TM meditation as I was a kid and my parents used
to be active in the movement in Finland (and have since then taken
distance). So I also practised this meditation some years until I
realized that it is actuallly a bit weird thing to do, and made the
educated decision to abandon it since no one else I knew seemed to know
anything about meditation and I thought I could use the time for better
purposes. :-)
Anyway, last summer, as a product of several factors so to speak, I got
again interested in meditation and the spiritual things, and above all,
Kundalini. What really got me excited about K was a web site introducing
some texts by Gopi Krishna (http://fotedar.org/koa/Kundalini/, doesn't
unfortunately work any more). I was really inspired by the texts and for
the first time, the spiritual things I had overlooked so far started to
make perfect sense to me. Sometimes I had the feelings like pieces of a
puzzle that had been separate coming together. Actually initially I was
more fascinated by the social implications that K might have than the
personal development side. It seems strange even to myself, but somehow
I seem to be able to intuitively imagine what it would be like if things
were to pass like Gopi Krishna predicts, that people would be more
spiritually awakened and enlightened sages guided the race. Well,
perhaps I'm just daydreaming.
Since the awakening of my interest to spiritual things last summer, I
feel like having changed personally a lot. I'm not sure if this is some
sort of Kundalini process (or surely it is, but at what stage), whether
it is something that takes place before the awakening of K or whether
I perhaps have K already awakened. Anyhow, my experiences have been
mainly mental, my world view has changed quite dramatically in the past
eight or nine months. From the descriptions I've now read on this list
and in literature I've understood that the K process is usually a bodily
process as well, with all the pains et cetera. Well, now I've returned
to practicing meditation, although my remembrance of the TM technique
is so vague that what I'm doing now might as well be quite heretic to
their teachings, don't know. Anyway, in what I call meditation, I now
have these sensations of blissful currents rising up my spine. This
surely should be a sign of K, but I wonder if this is just the beginning
and the real show is waiting to begin. The blissful sensation is nothing
spectacular, but still something I like to dwell on, coming from the
base of the spine, going sometimes all the way up through my head or
sometimes ending at a lower point. Reminds me of chills of cold,
but I'm not feeling cold at all and it's more pleasurable. Sometimes
also tinkling feelings in the feet, like currents going downward. But
everything under control, these won't come up involuntarily.
Now this goes a bit off the point but I'm interested in how do you
recognize the chakras that one supposedly has? Do you feel them, do you
need to imagine them or does it come spontaneously as clearly as say
you can feel a ball in your hand when you're holding one? Or do you
see them? I guess by some rewiring of the neurons it could be perfectly
possible to visually perceive the neural activity of ones body in the
manner one normally sees external objects, I wonder if this is the inner
panorama Gopi Krishna is talking about... well, probably it's actually
much more. I just still have a hard time seeing the physical always
merely as an epiphenomenon of the spiritual...
Well, back to the original business, about relationships. Having read
Mystress' comments to Moonshadow I now make the following diagnosis
of myself: my higher self or whatever has all this time been guiding
me to avoid getting into relationships to turn the attention and
energies inwards, to fuel my enlightenment, while my worldly self has
all these years been completely in the dark about this process and has
only recently started to recognize what is going on. Ok, I'm ready to
accept this explanation, hopefully the higher self will now continue to
guide me to find someone who, in Mystress' words, "will also put
Goddess within themselves first".
Actually there is evidence that supports quite well this conclusion;
I don't know if it's my upbringing or something else, but now as I
later look backwards in time, I find myself having been at times
quite different from others of my age: I've always been more into
the mental activities than the physical. At school, I was very lousy
in (competitive) sports, lacking almost all interest in it, whereas
the literary subjects have always been too easy for me. Only now
later I have integrated sports into my daily life and am currently in
quite good condition. On the other hand, I never either understood
what's there that's so great about movie stars or rock stars that one
would want to take them as one's idol, or what's there so fascinating
in the TV series that one would really want to watch them all night
long. Consequently, my world view must have been quite different from
the average and therefore I've also perhaps been subconsciously refusing
to let myself fall in love with the average type of woman who is most
of the time concerned with her appearance, following the latest fashions,
enjoying watching TV soaps, living up the expectations of the society
or family, or whatever, you name it. (Not to say that the average
man would be any better, but I've learned to tolerate them better or
just ignore them.) My mother has also always been smarter than my
father and couldn't have cared less about unnatural social habits,
so perhaps that's another reason I've grown to expect something else
than what is generally available.
After all, I'm quite happy that things are as they are, but I've
started to think that it's about time I finally found a soulmate. Being
realistic, I see it as rather impossible to find anyone just by chance.
So I guess I'll have to trust on guidance from higher self, God/dess,
or whatever. I must reluctantly admit that at times I feel quite
desperate (Ok, only for very short periods only every now and then),
so what I've also started to fear is that I might actually also attract
someone not so spiritually oriented and in a gust of desperatedness
start a relationship where I couldn't be completely open due to the
partner's incapability of receiving the whole spiritual load... so it
would probably end unhappily and mean bad karma for both of us. And as
time passes, it doesn't become any easier as I myself develop and become
all the more diverted from the "normal"... :) So currently I'm quite
helpless, not knowing where to look, since as far as I recognize, there
are no "spiritually awakened singles' clubs" in Finland (correct me
if I'm wrong ;)).
Well, so much about relationships. There's still an anecdote I'll add
here. Yesterday evening, when I had originally read Mystress' posting,
I was thinking to myself what to write but was too tired to start to
type. I thought of telling how I feel like having become more
emphatic towards other people, and having started to see how people
are not happy with themselves, and maybe having habits or taking
actions that I can see don't help them at all. At the same time I
feel helpless as there's not much I can do as usually if you try
to help and tell people about these things, they'll just resist and not
understand. So I was about to whine about the paradoxical situation
of recognizing suffering but not being let any chance to help.
Well, this morning then, while in the local swimming hall (I usually
go there two or three times a week), I had the chance to dive up a
90 year old man who had sunken to the bottom of the three meter deep
pool. Luckily it had only been a cramp in the legs and nothing more
serious, the man walked on his own feet afterwards. At least I got
a little frightened, if I or any other swimmer there hadn't acted
fast, the man would probably have drowned. Well, I didn't mean
the helping thing _that_ literally. Fate keeps amazing me...
Greetings,
-- Jani Mattsson <jpm ATnospam iki . fi> -- http : // www.iki.fi / jpm / --
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