To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/01/12 20:31
Subject: Re: [K-list] Really wondering
From: Jenell
On 2000/01/12 20:31, Jenell posted thus to the K-list:
Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
>
>
> Since last Friday I have been getting wild and whacked out symptoms..
> flu symptoms with an emotional quality, feverish and chills,
How odd and coincidental. I have been feeling absolutely AWFUL lately,
the past few days, I do know it's ot a physical illness', it feels like
something I'm picking up therough my psychic empathy, but just today i
had realized, thought, of itas flu-like, that I just aches and feel
tender and sore all over like the flu. Just really dragged out, no
energy, and aching. While no fever that registeres, my whole body feels
so hot and burning, my thought of it is as if my tissues are just
ripping themselves apart inside, I mean at tissue, cell, level.
And the sweat, yuch, not that it has been that much of it, not dripping
or anything, just sticky all over, and the smell is AWFUL, really strong
and unpleasant. Like when one is really stessed out, or greatly fearful,
that sort of strong, pungent, disgusting smell. Also a strong 'maleish'
hint to it, like the more strong scent of a man's sweat.
and I am
> unable to eat..
I'm having a bad time of lack of appetite lately, trying to remeber to,
and make myself, eat as I know I need to.
my desire to smoke has flown out the window...
I wish. but no such luck.
I've been
> meditating and staying very mindful because it has been a rather harrowing
> process.. focusing on love and surrender to distract from the fears of
> insanity.
I think i got past insanity, but the impact of other's reactions to me
for these changes, the outright hostility and resnetments and thinking
I'm evil, really ugly emotions toward me, have really been heavy on me
lately. I just feel so TIRED of all of it, trying to cope with, learn to
live with, all these changes in my mind, my body, my life, my
relationships. Like, will I EVER feel again as if I have something of a
normal life? Something strange happened today, really bothered me later.
I was just so tired, and hurting and aching all over, inside and out, I
had laid down on the bed, sort of drwosy but aching too much to go to
sleep, and let myself slip into something of a meditative, just 'not
here' state, and suddenly I found myself thinking, as I lost
'connection' with feeling my own body, that all I had to do was keeping
sinking into that state, just turn loose of this world, and I could, if
I wanted to, just leave. Just leave this bosdy laying there and let
myself slide over the edge, into that other realm, and I realized with a
start that what I was thinking of was to die, just let myself, actually
choose to, let myself slip out of my body and leave it. That I could
just chose to die, and that it was seeming a very attractive thing right
then, i felt so very tired, so very much in pain, it seemed that to do
so was a lure, toward rest, and peace, and freedom from the pain. When i
realized that, I got up and shook off those thoughts and feelings.
Now that I have figgered out that some of the emotional chaos is
> smoking withdrawl, which I have read can be nightmarish.. it is a little
> easier to take. Ego likes to have a reason to hold onto..
>
> One effect of this current processing
Does the 'processing' never end?!
is that Goddess has made it very
> clear to me that my "slave to Goddess" surrender is no longer wanted.. it's
> purpose in releasing issues has been fulfilled and now I am being pushed to
> a paradigm of co-creation that I have been resistant to for over a year..
> For about a year or more, sometimes I say, "it will be as Goddess Wills"
> and inner voice says "Thou art Goddess". and I go, uhhh.. but but
> but....... eek. :o
i think you are being asked to move toward making his/her will to be
your will, and your will to be his/her will. I've been dealing with that
one, too.
>
> Goddess asking me what I want, for me to make a choice.. make a
> decision.. I've been going, "yikes how should I know Yer the infinitely
> wise one ... wanting creates wanting, right?"
> I've been resistant, so now I'm trying not to be.. but I'm wary of "Good
> intentions" ..
> Takes some getting used to.. like learning to walk over again... falling
> down a lot..
LOL! I've always said, one thing about me, i've gotten very good at
getting up off the ground! Lots of practice!
> Ironic coz I've been trying to get my slave-devotees to worship me less,
> and Goddess within themselves more, so they will not be quite so
> emotionally dependent on my approval.. Guess I teach best what I most need
> to learn, again..:) So it goes..:)
> Blessings..
> and Blessings to you, Sister,
Jenell
> Mystress Angelique Serpent, http://www.domin8rex.com
> Vancouver, B.C., Canada. Officially the most beautiful city in the world.
> 8) :D ;) :0 :) ;P ;) :D |* ;) 8D :)
> <<<< I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery
> <<<< than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
> <<<< -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
>
>
>
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