To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/11/26 20:00
Subject: Re: [K-list] ANGER
From: Jenell
On 1999/11/26 20:00, Jenell posted thus to the K-list:
Steve Salter wrote:
>
>
> ANGER!
>
> ANGER has flooded through me.
> other stuff but it is sexual and i am not ready to relate it.
>
> i must just accept what is happening and let it pass through and remain
> (discover?) mySelf.
>
>Anger is unresolved pain. Those that know me as a most easy going, tolerant, gentle person, would not believe the anger I've had to deal with. thankfully, through the worst of it, I was mostly alone. The greatest part of it came to something like a 'head', about 3 yrs ago, like a boil coming to a head, then rupturing to drain. I quite suddenly had 'awareness' of the underlying source of so much pain in my life, it hit me with such a force, I cannot describe it, I was alone, at home, late one night, after meditating for hours, when it hit. I raged, screamed, cried, cursed, pounded my fists into the furniture and then on the floor as I literally collapsed onto the floor, writhing in anger and rage, actually choked and gagged and puked then raged some more, lating right there on the floor in my own puke. I mean RAGE. A full blown 48 yr old version of a terrible two's temper tantrum. It lasted a good two hours, I was absolutely exhausted and drained when it began to subside, I b!
!
arely had strength to roll back up on the sofa where I curled up into a ball, started sobbing out horrible grief until I fell asleep at last. That was an incredible turning point for me. It was the point at which I determined that it was time to dig out the splinters from the infected wounds, drain them, get it over with, so I could heal. digging into it, examinig, turning loose, has been a step by step process, like peeling it back in layers. I began to write, write, write, every incidnet in my lfe as I would recall it, complete with all the pain and other emotions attached, and what effect it had on me, what it did, then I looked at it and UNDID it. In shamanism, this is caled 'energy retrieval', I later learned. I 'justifoed' all my pain first, realized I had every right to have that pain, that anger, to feel as I did. Then, I reached the point I could say, so what, I'm justified, I have the right to feel it. But I also have the right to say I don't WANT to anymore. I've tu!
!
rned loose of much, still working on it. but becasue I've learned now how wonderful the freedom is after letting it go, I am not afraid of it anymore, I'm determined to keep going, until it's all been purged.
I hope sharing this with you will help you know what's happening to you
has happened to others. and that if you will go with it, it can bring
you toward greater freedom. I'm trying my best for you, as I send this,
to send you a bit of my shaktipat or whatever it is I do, to perhaps
help you along.
Jenell
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