To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/11/19 07:12
Subject: [K-list] Tales from the beginning of the process.
From:
On 1999/11/19 07:12, a list member posted thus to the K-list:
In the beginning of my k-experience (though I didn't know it was K at the
time), I deemed it appropriate to spend some time (a week) in psychiatric
ward. There, my roommate was a member of some sort of pentecostal
movement. When I said I was into buddhism/stuff, he said that he prefers
xianity since it has all kinds of signs & wonders, whereas eastern
religions don't (for some people such things are enough proof of
"validity" of an ideology). He also had a strong urge to pray for other
people, and he even performed a laying-on-hands healing kind of thing for
me. He also asked if he could do it for other people, but a youngish girl
who was also in there declined, saying that she had had enough problems
with that kind of stuff (seemed that all 3 of us young people present were
there for religious reasons...). Anyway, I did not feel any "effects" from
the laying-on-hands, but I was "healed" after a few days, and felt that I
was completely back to normal (I attributed the energy and euphoria I felt
to the relief of misery). In fact the gloomy "thingie" in my head/brain
that seemed to radiate anxiety and dark thoughts had "dissolved".
More about this pentecostal guy... he was very silent, spent most of his
time lying on the bed. He said (in one of our rare conversations) that he
heard the "voice of god" in his head. Originally it had been a "good"
voice, but then "god" had started to talk weird stuff, telling him to do
various things that his God would not want him do. He was on risperidone,
it helped to remove the voices a little bit (this made me assume it was
some sort of schizophrenia).
Uh, anyway, about the hospital setting... in fact it was pretty good to
get away from the usual surroundings, and the presence of "professionals"
just made me feel more "secure"... so that if I started to act crazy, it
would be taken care off. It's as close to "Kundalini Sanctuary" as I was
able to get at the time :).
And yes, after I had left the hospital, I started to feel crappy again (I
was hoping to get back to another hospital since that hospital was under
summer leave. Funds were luckily scarce, and that didn't happen). It was
not until a few weeks that the most disturbing anxiety had gone away.
Nowadays I can look back at that time and laugh, but some people, in
various parts of the world, must be in the same situation... for them it's
everything but funny. Suffering is a learning experience, but it's only a
certain amount of suffering that is enough so that you get the idea.
Nature is sometimes all too generous about this suffering thing :-).
There was another thing that bothered me at the time... it seemed that
spirituality was a thing for "good days". I felt that I had been excluded
from the world of spirit (since I was no longer able to meditate, or take
psychedelics). That once you have some difficulties in your experiencing
apparatus, you are out, redundant, thrown away like a used rag. Both from
the world of normal people (because you are "weird"), and of spirituality
(because you are weird in a wrong, "unspiritual" way). A "true" religion
must be valid for a genius, a mystic, disabled, depressed, and chronic
schizophrenics. Our bliss should not cover that fact.
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