To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/09/13 20:16
Subject: [K-list] [-Best-Joke] The Clinton Mortgage
From: Broomstick Broomhilda
On 1999/09/13 20:16, Broomstick Broomhilda posted thus to the K-list:
Hello,
Just to lighten things up a bit while this flame war is going on...
>Subject: [-Best-Joke] The Clinton Mortgage
>
>From: desertratATnospampipeline.com
>
>
> Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm
> Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you
> Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and
> Bill it is.
>
> So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something
> acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary
> 20 percent down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of
> $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the
> time. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
>
> Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United
> States, of course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a
> year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than
> two and a half times your annual salary. That means you
> should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a
> nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a
> neighborhood?
>
> And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or
> so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock.
> Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.
>
> Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators
> are paid $130,000 a year--assuming, of course, she's elected--
> so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in
> the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where
> the schools aren't so good.
>
> Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991,
> correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up
> with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system?
> I see. It flopped, in other words.
>
> But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.
> How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt.
> And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt,
> too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale
> law, you could probably get your money back. Don't get upset.
> It was just a little joke.
>
> A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your
> business partners went to jail. Maybe you could still get your
> money back.
>
> This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it
> does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in
> your marriage? No? Fine. Let's look at your assets: $1.5
> million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting
> your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--oh!-those liabilities.
> You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole.
>
> How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will
> donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the
> charity of strangers.
>
> You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has
> got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year,
> probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to
> medical school? Ouch!
>
> And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine
> for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law
> degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on you
> loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if
> you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should
> know about?
>
> You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady
> is pretty much in the clear, indictment- wise. What does that
> mean? You don't think--don't think--she's going to get hit
> with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not
> totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility
> --note that I say "remote"--that you could be trying to pay
> off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour
> stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a
> go of a library in Little Rock.
>
> Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and
> the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great
> debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and
> pay. You have a financial history that can only be described
> as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and
> ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist
> of an old Ford.
>
> So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of
> homeowners! You've got your mortgage!
>
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