To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/08/08 19:32
Subject: [K-list] stuff happening now
From:
On 1999/08/08 19:32, posted thus to the K-list:
I am following my mailing list convention of late by
posting .. I realise have not had time to read many
messages so please tell me if I am doing something
wrong. Have decided this probably is the right place
to be (this list).
Need a place to just say things.. if this is not the
appropriate place someone please say something, and if
I am not supposed to post more than a certain amount,
please say something too.. I never know the "rules" of
places, although have read the faq.
Find myself in postures I would normally think
impossible sometimes.. perched on the edge of the bed
leaning out over the rest of the room and moving in
circles.. is this normal too? My neuropsychologist
noted that in some of these "states" I can do motor
tasks faster and better than I am "supposed" to or
normally can (sorry coming from a background of
medical people watching me)
Things are moving through my body faster than I can
identify them.. sometimes in my arms and sometimes
in my back and as soon as I notice one it's moved and
changed and I don't know how to say any of this stuff
wind up as usual rocking shaking head back and forth I
know these are normal behaviours for autistic but I do
not feel normal. like I have to move in these spiral
motions or something doesn't work.. don't know..
hoping again that I'm not crazy..
Only found out about this stuff recently.. keep
closing my eyes this is not happening but it is.
Things seem to flash a good deal of the time now..
makes me worry about neurological stuff again.. like
a near-constant flicker, and not just around flickery
things like fluorescent lights or monitors but even in
the dark..
Really hoping this is the right place to post this
stuff..
Wind up staying away from people because I can't talk
to most people about this.. and the one friend I have
who both understands me and has command over verbal
language, gets overloaded by it because it's too
intense and she has a life outside of me..
Can't talk to my parents much about it.. often mention
some of the more intense things about a day to a week
after the fact, to maintain honesty.. I have a lot of
difficulty often if I try to hide this stuff.. better
just not to talk sometimes.. I am not going crazy
everyone says I'm sane and I have to believe them
because I don't want the alternative.
People have been telling me I need to learn to control
some of my mannerisms.. I learned to control many of
them at an early age because of disapproval and
occasional punishment for odd mannerisms, but now
they're back, and I feel more at home with them, and
some of this stuff gets worse when I try to suppress
them..
Start repeating the same word over and over or doing
something else like that.. sometimes it is incongruous
with what I mean, and confuses people and then I get
scared because they're confused and everything turns
around and goes to a bad place..
This stuff is too fast now I feel drained and
vibrating.. this happens too much. I'm beginning to
wonder if I ever had a "baseline" state.. sometimes
the world is so beautiful I can hardly stand it..
start crying, even, or more often crying without any
tears involved.. these lights or clouds zipping across
my visual field, or sometimes brighter than that
And breathing feels weird.. have I really found the
right place.. ? ..language cuts out on me a lot. this
stuff happens more intensely when I notice or
communicate about it.. just now was something can't
describe and bright flash around edges of vision..
something in my back.. i can't describe this i am
sorry
not always looking at the screen either
Why is it that if I touch a certain area around the
side of my neck kind of near my ear under it anyway,
hard to describe exact location, parts of this get
stronger?
Now wheneverI hear an electronic-ish noise I can't
tell whether it's real or not.. seems to be some sort
of pulsating sound but I can't tell if it is external
or not.. I m not going crazy.
Now has "settled" back into an unpleasant but mild
one.. feel twisted and things hurt now, but not a
lot.. going to send this now.. apologise for any
unintentional faux pas I might have made.. just
relieved to see a place where people seem to
understand about what is going on, and need a place to
talk about this stuff without fear of damaging the
other person somehow or annoying them even..
this is strange.. keep feeling i am *not* ready for
this.. but happening anyway and trying to stop it
doesn't seem like an option at this point
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