To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/07/30 10:07
Subject: [K-list] thoughts of sucicide
From: Fredaann

Dear List,
I woke last night at 1:15 AM from a deep hard sleep, soaked in sweat and
extreamly aggitated. I sat on the side of the bed feeling as though I
had had a nightmare. But I dont remember the dream.
It distubed me enough I could not get back to sleep.
I went to work early and the aggitation stayed with me. I came home
twice to check that all was okay, When I finnished work and came home I
snuggled up with my boyfriend and asked him to hold me, I was feeling
extreamly alone and frightened.
I dont 'know' of anywhere this is coming from within myself, other than
possibly a nightmare- which I dont remember having. I was able to fall
back to sleep.
Rich woke me to move away from him cause I was sweating on him when he
woke me I woke with the vision clear in my minds eye of myself with a
gun held to my head.
I am not feeling suicidal. I am not feeling anything that makes this
mine!!
I tried calming myself, sat quietly in my room... and when I did relax a
little, I felt as though my right arm were going to raise to my head,
and i felt a gun (weight) in my hand.
I got the hell out of my room.
I am disturbed my this for a couple of reasons. The biggest because I
tend to feel disturbances before they accually manifest.
I cant imagine what would be 'mine' that could esculate to this kind of
extreme... I assume it is someone elses crap that I am picking up on...
I dont want it.
I am not sure how to rid myself of it...
any help would be appriciated - I have tried 'giving it up' but it has
me too tightly bound I am caught up in it and it is getting extreamly
uncomfortable.
freda
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