To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/07/29 17:09
Subject: Re: [K-list] Mini poll---Dark Night Of the Soul
From: Kungajigme

In a message dated 7/29/99 12:37:37 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
fisher1ATnospamstic.net writes:

<< I'd like to know that too. I thought the classical DN that the Christian
 mystics wrote about was a loss of faith... a period of despair and not
 being able to find God... not knowing whether there was a God. >>

Although I was not Christian these symptoms are exactly what I experienced as
my Dark Night. At the time my Kundalini was awakened I was smoking a lot of
ganja, fancying myself some sort of western saddhu. My mindset was
predominately filled with images of Vedic gods, I was reading a lot about
ayurveda, and mixing psychedelics with practice. The woman I was with
practiced more in a Wiccan tradition and we mixed the whole lot together.

Then, one day, something happened. It's taken me ten years to accept the
experience as Kundalini awakening. These years of denial have been my long
dark night. I've tried to explain the experience in many other ways -- all
failing. Part of my denial came from the crushing blow dealt to my ego. In
truth I was not what I pretended to be. My false self was lost to me. What I
thought was God was lost to me. At the same time the "real" me is much more
than I could ever "fake."

Another part of my denial came from wanting more -- a more continuous
experience, a more powerful experience. Part of me said: "What!? This can't
be 'it'! Look at me! I'm still here! I'm still human!" Really, I should
have said something like: "Perhaps now I can become more human." :-)

My apologies for a rather incoherent account. It is only a few weeks now
that I was called on my denial and have recast these years in this new light.
 Life is again an adventure, not an adventure of control and conquest, rather
acceptance and surrender: watching the subtle and profound play of Shakti.

Many thanks,
James

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