To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/07/21 10:58
Subject: [K-list] Early K.
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 1999/07/21 10:58, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
We're Baaaaaack!~!!!
"How I came to be a stubborn bitch who needs to be right all the time."
When I was very very small, barely able to walk or speak, I awoke from a
fabulous dream of light that seemed to be underground... perhaps because of
the tunnel.. :)
This light was the most beautiful, blissful thing I had ever
encountered, and it spoke to me and told me I was it's child. The
connection faded as I woke, and the separation from it was so painful that
I had to find it again, immediately. That was the most urgent thing in the
world. Since it seemed to be underground, I resolved immediately to go
into the garden and dig it up. It was early, I think, dark.. dawn was just
breaking. It was summer.
I managed to climb over the railing of my crib (for the first time.. not
the last!) and down to the floor. Crawling was still more comfortable than
walking, so I headed for the door to go outside and dig... but I was too
small to get the door open. This was a major setback, but I was undaunted.
I would not give up.
I spotted my Mom's three legged planter, and decided that maybe I could
find the Light in the dirt.
My baby fingers were no good for digging, so I looked about for a tool..
crawling around the house, I found a popsicle stick one of my older
siblings had abandoned. Goddess provides! Now I was armed! I returned to
the plant pot and started digging. I did not want to hurt the plant so I
mostly dug down the side of the pot.. as I was digging I was getting the
feeling that this was not going to work, and when I hit the bottom of the
pot I was sure. Very disappointing.
Then my family woke up. Good! They could open the door and let me outside!
One of my siblings found me first, and called for Mom. My memory of the
conversation is sketchy, probably coz I didn't know many words, yet.
Somehow I managed to communicate that I was looking for the Light and
wanted to be let outside right away to dig for it.
They thought this was extremely funny..
I have a very clear memory of my Mom with her face very close to mine,
twisted into one of those awful clown faces adults use with children, going
"Light? Light switch? Sunlight?" and pointing to the lamp, the wall switch,
the Sun now risen.. telling me that there was no light underground...
telling me I was wrong.
That was not possible.
I remember feeling .. "they don't know about it! How can they not know? I
am small and they are big and how can I know and they not know about the
light?" The idea that they might be right crossed my mind, but that option
was simply unthinkable. The light was real. It had to be. It was the most
real thing in the world, I knew it... but they did not know.. how could
they not know???
My world turned upside down.
If they did not know about the most important thing, then how could I
trust them to know anything.. ??
Mom had called for one of the older kids to bring her camera, to take a
picture of me standing beside the mess I'd made with mud on my face and
sleepers, popsicle stick in hand.
The light said I was it's child... and I looked at my unaware family, and
the silly woman who was trying to get me to smile for the camera, and ...
felt myself all alone, in the world. I compared Mothers, the indescribable
beauty of the light, and this clown faced woman.. and the human one lost...
but I was small and helpless and needed her.
I refused to smile for the camera.
They refused to let me go outside.
I don't remember what happened after.. maybe I had a tantrum and was
punished. I dunno..
For years, as a child, sometimes I would remember that dream, it haunted
me. I'd persuade my younger brother to help me dig, telling him it was a
treasure hunt or something.. never telling my real reason.. the memory of
the light grew faint, but the flame of hope in me, that I'd find it again,
never died.
In Grade 3 we learned about the layers of the Earth.. and they said that
no-one really knows what is in the center of the planet. I knew.. the
Light. But I sadly realized, I was not going to find it, by digging... and
there was no point in telling anyone what I knew coz they wouldn't believe
me..
I think that may have been the trigger for the Mansion dream.. Goddess
telling me, that I would find the light again.. I would become the light..
but I never made the association till recently.
Just as I never associated the Light and love I'd felt, with the
punishing Father God they spoke of in church.. he seemed a distant figure,
whom I prayed to, but didn't expect answers from. I knew better than to try
to tell anyone that bliss existed where they thought Hell was located.. I
was unpopular enough, already..
Blessings..
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