To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/20 10:02
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: Shamanism and ego-death..
From: Kimberly McDaniel
On 1999/05/20 10:02, Kimberly McDaniel posted thus to the K-list:
My comp crashed yesterday after I sent this before...it doesn't look like it
came through, so this is an approximation of my reply to Mystress.
Also...I'm learning to handle the energy of that robe...it was just so much
that you can't give it away fast enough. The only real way to handle it is
to use it. I'm better today, having spiritually travelled to Emerald Mound
and joined the ceremonies with the spirits there. Gave so much of it up to
the Mound for her preservation and the strengthening of the old guard there.
I met the other guardians who are still physical...a strange group of
people, but a good group of talents. The shaking that was physically
noticeable across my bedroom is now just an annoyance while I type. I still
feel the heat from it traveling through me, but luckily a ring I trained to
send excess energy to my staff and the mound is helping considerably.
Sometimes you just have to sit down and think! :)
Hello Mystress...I don't know whether to say I hope you get better soon or
congrats, so we'll just leave it up to you to decide :)
I wrote this when I received it, but out of respect I will give you until
next week before sending it. I ended up writing this in two parts, just
saved it as draft. But I do enjoy our conversation...I learn a lot and
realize a lot about myself through it.
> It seems like there are more now than when I was younger.. my body is a
>little older than yours.. as the planetary vibration increases, the
>contagion of awakening spreads... or mebbie you are better at noticing..?
>Most everybody I know is awakened, but I am picky about the company I keep,
>kind of a hermit and K-fire contagious anyways..
Hehehe...in this town there are plenty of people who are close or who ARE
but are still fighting it...highly religious town and I'm satan incarnate
(whew, I'm an Archangel now?!?). People who get close to me end up coming
to me about it (and therefore I'm sending them to Satan). People who've
never spoken to me or heard about me before talk to me and they tell me they
don't know why, but they knew I'd understand. My two best friends had this
happen after hanging around a bit too much...came to me hearing thoughts and
having nightmares and in general didn't know what the heck was going on.
Very suicidal because they were both hardcore Christian and didn't
understand and I was the only one they felt they could talk to. I didn't
truly understand then either, but I was gifted with the words and the
knowledge of what was going on in their hearts to help them. One has
surrendered and is going head-first after Wicca, telling me that Goddess is
calling her (and told me she "got it" from me)...the other, I don't
know...he's frightened of it...saw me read thoughts of his and stuff a
little too often. Couldn't help it...it was so loud I thought he was
speaking. He's still afraid of going mad if the hearing thoughts gets worse.
After this and a spiritual fight with a Wiccan pissed because I refused to
room with her, no one else really wants to hang around me. They have
realized (even the other pagans) that I'm not going to be a poor-me person,
and I'm not about to change what I believe so people will like me. (And
that particular person is telling people I have multiple personalities, but
somehow that's funny to me.)
To heal, I got a bumper sticker that read "God, save me from your
followers!!!" and it was done. BTW, before I forget...remember how my eye
color would change for me? Since the initiation, my eyes have a permanent
ring of green around the outer edge, that's about a third of the iris and
growing...perhaps it's measuring my progress? And my hair...there's a part
where I have three or four silver strands...and the rest is chunking black
and auburn...rather strange and no longer changes under my control.
> I wonder if you are hearing the thoughts of their unconscious.. ?
I'm starting to wonder, but I really don't know. All I know is that if I
look in their eyes I hear them, very clear but very quiet. And some people
I'm close to, I just hear when they're within a mile of me.
Around here, a lot of people come up to me and swear that they know me from
somewhere. I just moved here, but the number of times it has happened is
frightening. I mentioned something about it to Dean and he told me that a
strange number of his customers (he's the Maytag repairman) ask him the same
thing, with a couple who grabbed him and hugged him, talking of old times.
When I was dating my husband, I could tell my mother he was coming five-ten
minutes before he got there (it was a forty minute drive to my house and
he's notoriously late). He's trained a 73 chevy pickup to store and
retrieve energy to keep herself going. You can't stop that truck. But I
could feel it coming...she sent out a vibe that was unmistakable, the
frequency the exact pattern in which her engine ran (it was very erratic,
but in a patterned way). My mom never understood how I knew.
>I couldn't open the pic, at either location.. send it to me direct, if
>you can?
I'll try to shrink it down to send through e-mail separately...probably from
my other account because hotmail handles attachments funny. To shrink the
file, I'll scan it black and white. :) (Scanning a staff isn't fun..keeps
moving just enough to ruin the scan), but is a necessary exercise in
patience.
>such a wonderful voice...and then you find
>out they have bird legs. ;)
ROTFLMAO!! Yer funny.. :)
Lately I've been finding a lot of things funny...but I don't think they are.
(Ripley, Alien Resurrection, but I relate). I got fired from the bowling
alley job for missing a day after dislocating an ankle (but hey, the scar
tissue broke and I can feel it now), and all I could do was laugh. I just
am going through a period where spirit will not let me have a job. They
tell me the right one is coming, so for now, sit down and listen, and that's
what I'm doing.
> Yep, me too.. I am probably the K-lists most notorious carnivore.. I
>wonder if it is a Shamanic thing? I don't eat pork, I do eat chicken but
>free range organic tastes a lot better.. the other kind are too full of
>chemicals. Seafood occasionally.
I live in a tiny town...you say organic and they think you said orgasm or
point you to herbal shampoos...so for now I'm getting radiated, but oh
well...that's being handled. But I do taste the chemical sometimes. I'll
eat chicken if it's like boneless breast or the homemade chicken strips my
husband makes, but not any other way. Something about the bones doesn't
work well with me. Seafood is something that if I get into it, I go for the
buffet cause I know I need it. Lately I'll tell my husband I need a
specific food and he'll ask why, cause I don't like it, but I know there's a
vitamin I need in there (even though I don't know the particular vitamin).
> I think I'll put that one up on my wall.. :)
I asked Thunder the other day if I was going to end up so desperate for
school money that I sell his ideas on a spiritual inspiration calendar. He
said, Why not? :)
>Bzzzzzzzzz.... that one I'll get framed.. very comforting.. much nicer
than "It takes a lot of fire and pounding to make the hardest steel"..
<bowing> thankyou, Thunder.. :) and vessel of Thunder.. :) :)
He thought you needed it, had hinted to your difficulties. I just sit here
and type. :) Badly, this time, but had come home after being shot up with
painkillers, so I'm not that hard on myself about it. People on other lists
think that this "pantherKitten" entity knows so much, when all she really
does is let the people who can help help and put her name at the bottom.
Perhaps this is the truest answer?
> yep, that's classic..:)
> I apologise for the delay in responding..
Mystress...there's no need to apologize. I know you are very busy and that
right now you're going through alot. I wasn't sure what but Thunder had
hinted to it when I wrote you last. I understand...I've been there. Get
better and handle yourself. I'm handled. :) *stepping down from mothering
role*
>I was partly talking about my
>own stuff like I always do, coz I teach best what I most need to >learn..
>I'm sure you noticed..;)
Both with you and with me. Our mistakes and trials are what make us better
teachers, not pretending to perfection.
> I did some time-travel brain surgery on myself, over the weekend and
>the
>beginning of this week, and have been processing. Vibrating and having the
>emotional instability and wide eyed wonder of a 3-4 year old... For the
>last couple of weeks.. since I gave my ADD to the Wicker man at Beltane, I
>have been following inspiration, and time travelling to reverse a child's
>prayers for "no bad dreams", and possibly further back, to adjust my own
DNA..
:) :) :) Need anything, I'm here. You know where to find me, I'm sure.
> I've been getting insights that suggest my ADD detachment and my male
>unconscious being a duality of Archangels, Michael and Lucifer, (whom I
>named Armand before I figgered out who he was.. and continued calling
>Armand, so as not to scare people, after.. ) and my childhood prayers to
>end the "bad dreams" that were the Portal Guardian, might all be cut of
>the same cloth.. and it occurred to me to wonder, when the split in my
>psyche occurred. I have never encountered anyone else that had a dual
>unconscious that manifest in quite this way..
I now understand what happened...after I looked down and noticed the robe, I
removed it, started chanting and folding it in a ritualistic manner (to
preserve it until I am ready to wear it)and put it in the medicine man's hut
as it is something that I am not quite ready for yet, as I and my Teachers
are in agreement about. I no longer have the dreams...the dreams were to
help clear the fears that would limit me. It has been around for centuries
(I found the old owner in a journey the other night) and every owner puts
his/her experience, knowledge, wisdom, and power into the robe's energetic
matrix...it is like a supercomputer and an amplifier for the energy you use
at the same time. Unfortunately, it draws a lot of negative energy to power
itself, which is draining on the person wearing it if they are not prepared
to handle it (hence me developing a bit more before I don it full-time).
But when I put it on, I have a choice...to pull the hood and become the
skeleton that so many in the astral know and respect and fear, or to leave
the hood down, go out as myself, and confuse the hell out of people who
can't understand why a "normal" human is wearing his cloak. The latter
keeps people from messing with you as in a "she wears his cloak so...." and
the former from a "There he is, oh shit" perspective.
> My relationship with the Divine Beloved manifest as fellas in my head,
>is kind of a kinky 3-way thing.. the polarities love each other, and play
>out good guy bad guy melodramas for my amusement..:) chop each other's
>heads off, then pull themselves back together and go for beer, after.. hard
>to explain, but their love for each other inspires me.
Ever seen the cartoon with the sheepdog and the wolf? How they walk to and
from work together, clock in, hate each other, then clock out and are best
friends again? Something like that?
> I've been doing some time travelling.. going back in spirit, and
>comforting my child self's nightmares, forgiving myself for being a
>frightened child.. asking to have the doors re-opened even if it means
>revisiting the dreams I escaped so long ago..
I understand...it's a battle with me right now, having all my fears opened
up and examined, but I have a supportive husband and that strange sense of
humor I can't shake....if I didn't know better, I'd say I was crazy. Like I
said...need to vent...send it here...I'll take it away if need be...even if
it's an e-mail marked do not open...hell...send it to yourself...get it
out...hug her and kiss her...she's a beautiful child with such a potential
to help others. Make sure she knows she's loved.
> The needs of one of my students prompted me to remember a half-forgotten
>time travel soul retrieval technique that I'll post separately.. I used it
>on myself and mended the split from before it happened. Usually, with this
>technique events are cleared from above, but this time I was directed to
>dive into the event after.. Later, my duality of Archangels morphed into
>the Oroborus Serpent, then an infinity ring, which I gave to Goddess..
> There was a lull for a day or two then I became abruptly emotionally
>overwhelmed, and now I am taking a vacation while my previously split head
>rebalances itself.. my world has become very different in ways that are a
>process of discovery both subtle and intense.
You are moving to the next level...a major one from the sounds of it...the
world changes with each new level, you are crawling now, give yourself the
time and you'll be walking again. Goddess will take care of you, and this
shaking will remind you how much you really are dependent on her...but don't
be frightened...open to her in your hour of need so she can love the
frightened child also...soothe her fears.
> Some folks have admired that I seem to be bulletproof.. flames bounce
>off, nothing seems to bug me much.. well.. one reason that I have been able
>to go to such polarities, is that I mostly did not feel them. My ADD
>detachment cut out like a breaker switch when the going got tough, so the
>tough could keep going. Not just for wounds, either, but for blisses, too..
>even the intensity of beauty would make me detach, and I never minded much
>coz the detachment place is in Goddess arms.. limitless creativity.. wisdom
>... the detachment was also subtle.. usually it happened without my
>awareness.. I'd blink in and out and not notice much..
I was like that to a severe degree in high school, but now I detach in
beauty, and laugh in wounds. Laughter is in the arms of spirit, also. But
yes, I know what you mean.
>I went to some dark places as a tourist casually coz being armored was
>normal for me..
When I met Dean, he was rather shocked to find that he couldn't get into my
head...nothing viscious there, just a force that wouldn't let him through.
It shocked him because he had never met a person he couldn't get into. And
then it freaked his other friends out because they couldn't either and
why?!? I had locked myself down years ago to deal with the physical and
emotional abuse. Just put on a show on the outside for everyone physical
and then closed shop and went to bed (I literally had an inner bedroom in
which I'd hide). Many times I was close to suicide, but the poet wouldn't
let it happen...would take over at the last minute and lock me in that
bedroom until I dropped the idea. I'd be like that for days, him passing
for me with remarkable accuracy, me watching what was going on and paying
attention in class...like being inside a robot, I suppose.
> My ADD detachment, in response to my childhood prayers has been like a
>breaker switch into the Witness state whose sensitivity level was set by a
>tiny child who was afraid of her own dreams. Dreams, mind you that make
>adult Shamen cringe and want a night light.. :) but.. I've had it all my
>life, I really only noticed it in the last few years.
Luckily my dreams like that are only about twice a month...although my
husband has them more often...probably due to his closeness to the portal
guardian.
> This breaker switch was needed, coz it was hooked to the sensitivity of
>a
>baby with an opened third eye.. the sensitivity that lets me do my healing
>work. Now the filter's gone, and I am dealing with a new world that is of a
>vibrating rippling intensity that makes getting a deep breath, difficult...
>even while sitting still in a quiet place.. sleep is elusive..
Reading this makes me shiver, not out of fear but out of remembering the
times that I have had like that. Right now I'm trying to get used to the
mass amounts of energy that robe is drawing and making me learn to
hamdle...I feel as if my head will explode soon...I keep giving it to the
Mound but in minutes I have more. I feel completely overloaded and unable
to sleep or to truly think. But I'll get used to it. Hopefully soon
because my mind is starting to slip.
> Whoopsie! Your energy is intense, today I've only added 2 paragraphs
>and
>I'm getting signals to go back to digging in the mud... so I'm snipping the
>rest.. I hope we can continue this conversation, mebbie next week when I've
>stopped vibrating.. ?? thankyou for the insights.. Blessings!
I didn't realize how strong my energy was until I got it back (especially on
top of everything else). But yes, would like to continue the conversation
when you feel better.
Blessings, Kimberly
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