To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/11 11:17
Subject: [K-list] Re: Shamanism and ego-death.. was: Input desperately n
From: Kimberly McDaniel
On 1999/05/11 11:17, Kimberly McDaniel posted thus to the K-list:
At 08:27 PM 5/9/99 , Kimberly McDaniel wrote:
>Oh yes...(BTW, I'm back on the list after having been gone for a few
>months.
I remember you.. Welcome.
Thank you.
>I recognise that story.. it's hard for those born awakened into a
>culture that does not understand. We are "different", I suspect we smell
>different, roses and sandalwood, not like one of the herd.. and herd
>instincts reject us.
I'm starting to wonder if that's true now. I'm training to be assistant
manager at the local bowling alley and I meet people all the time who just
seem locked when they look in my eyes and there's this communication (that's
not really meant for me to hear) about being "one of them"...and then you
meet other awakened ones and there's a temporary pause while they "scan" you
to see if you're good to go and make sure your not a threat, and then
there's the communication, but this one just says "I know". It's
involuntary in a way, but the communication's always the same.
> What does the mammal look like? Got a pic?
Don't have a pic but tomorrow when I'm off of work I can scan the part of
the staff with the mammal on it and we can play guess the mammal <g>.
>Anyway, around age twelve I started hearing a voice, beautiful and deep
and
>perfectly calm, telling me of others' sickness and that they were going to
>die, but it was always too late to help them.
>The still, small voice within..
Unfortunately not...I had heard that one for a while at that point...this
one turned out to be Thunder...such a wonderful voice...and then you find
out they have bird legs. ;)
> I woke up screaming hysterically...I
>had seen the wreck that killed him..was on the side of the road and saw it
>in every last detail. I snapped, blamed myself for it. I wasn't allowed
to
>go his funeral because I was such a basketcase.
Well, that, and he was a "voodoo" man...
> My sympathies. It is a not uncommon reaction among novice psychics..
>you were given the vision to have time to prepare, emotionally.. not to
>change fate. As with the sick ones, when you were younger.. it was already
>too late to change fate.
Funny thing is, he was the only human I've ever actually got upset about
dying. My grandmother, well, I miss her, but she was ready to go to the
Lord (she was devout Christian and had said she was ready to go home for a
while).
> Sugar is the only food your brain can use.. and the brain of a Shaman
>or
>Kundalite needs a lot of sugar, sometimes!!
I've learned that...and also red meat? I hear so much about awakened people
going veggie, but it seems I'm going red meat...not chicken, not pork (I
can't stomach them), but red meat. I get these horrendous cravings for it.
When my husband comments, I tell him it must be the black jag in me...
> The illusions of Free Will.. we are always led.. get used to it and
>relax.
I had a guide once whose response to me protesting to me having free will
was..."yes you have free will and occasionally you're even silly enough to
TRY to use it." Enough said.
> Goddess have mercy on the "Marlboro women".. who dare not sacrifice the
>emotional safety of an independence that is illusory..
It's quite simple Mystress. The answer lies in a convwersation with Thunder
about why he struck with me through all I've talked about here and more, and
why he didn't go choose someone else to protect the mound...he said that
those of us strong enough to resist for this long against impossible odds
were the dangerous ones who when put on the right path with infinite
potential achieve the impossible.
>I was one, too..
> You don't have to handle it on your own. You never did, you just had a
>hard time trusting. If Goddess wanted you to do it alone, She'd not have
>split herself into an illusion of infinite bits that can hug each other.
>The whole point of the illusions of need, is to call to compassion. If you
>don't express need, how can we be compassionate? Love is available for the
>asking. We are here.. stay and enjoy the company of "like minds". >Family.
>Kundalites. :)
I think I'll stay a while...until led elsewhere.
> Or, to put it another way.. the veil within you was opened so you
>could
>perceive him. He never went anywhere, you just could not see.
That's more true...when I shut down I lost my eyes out there and went blind.
> I finally went back to my hometown and started
>feeling a whole group of guides in my head...some belonging to me, and
some
>belonging to my husband...they formed a circle and told me to go into the
>center. I was frightened...I didn't want to go in as I didn't trust them.
>I finally made up my mind to enter the circle, and they wouldn't let me
>in...then one told me that fear could not enter the circle. I dropped the
>fear and entered the circle. My spirit went black...it was dead...
> I have written a few times about the "Portal Guardian of the
>Dreamtime".. which for me manifested as terrifying dreams of a Black shadow
>figure I called the "Killer Nun".. paintings of the portal guardian appear
>on cave paintings worldwide. A book called "Spiritwalker" by Hank Wesselman
>helped me to understand the meaning. The Portal Guardian is the protector
>who keeps those who are unready, away from the doorway of the unconscious
>into the collective: Death, the Dreamtime. We must go thru that doorway to
>be reunited in the Light..
I was fully awake the whole time...just a journey is what I'd call it now,
but then...I know who you speak of....he appears to me and my husband now
and again...a skeleton in a black robe who never speaks.
> When you approach the portal Guardian with unconditional love, you
>become the portal Guardian, and then it is you who is the mirror. After I
>learned to do that, came the even more terrifying part that made me pray
>for the dreams to end, till they did.
I think I know what you are talking about...I was with this spirit and I
kept getting told to relax. I did and he turned into a normal-looking
human, said Thank You, and disappeared. I looked down and I was in his
robe. And since I've had the most horrible nightmares.
> Your journey is classic Shamanic ego-death.. dying and being buried,
>spending time underground as the ego decays, then coming back to accept a
>Diety-ego to be protector and act in place of the old ego, which now being
>reunited with the light, is Spirit having a Human experience, and the
>Higher Self manifesting in the body. The Higher Self has no fear of death
>or harm, and a tendency not to say no.. like Christ before Pilate.. and so
>you have the Jaguar within you, an archetypal totem ego-form who will
>protect you from the thought-form projections of others.
And Thunder without...makes one feel so cozily safe...if I could just drown
out the moise of those coming to attack...oh well...I'll get to them when I
can. Treating them as if they're life-threatening just multiplies their
egos.
> Hard to explain.. when the ego goes thru the doorway of death, and
>clears
>the remaining shreds of karma via the "Warrior's journey" thru the
>underworld, Hades or Chapel Perilous or Purgatory, or Erishkriegel's
>Domain... whatever the form.. to be unified with the light, it >becomes
>Goddess.. not separate.
I know what you mean and that's about all I can say. It still feels strange
to hear the word death or speak of dying without the customary tinge of
fear or "I'm glad it's not me." It's new for me but I enjoy it.
>Goddess doesn't judge, and Goddess takes any form we can love. So, there
>is a tendency to become and do whatever is wanted by other because the
>boundaries of "self" have been destroyed.
I don't know about for anyone, but I have accepted being led and am happily
carrying out my duties, not with vengeance or anger when I must be violent,
but with a perfect peace that is indescribable.
> The structure of ego, which is necessary to live in linearity is reborn
>as Archetypal Divinity from the collective, and this personal-conception
>maintains identity and acts as the self-protective instinct of the body.
So the ego fears returning to the collective because it will no longer be
ego? Sounds odd now, but true.
> Over the next few weeks
>I went through many tests out there to earn his energy.
> Ego-death and rebirth is not necessarily the completion.. Jaguar still
>needed to clear some of the blockages represented by remaining ego-bits of
>free will.. thus, your ability to surrender is challenged in order to get
your consent.
> The body has to catch up with the changes in Spirit and consciousness..
>We get a whole new body every 7 years, down to the last molecule.. and
>every molecule is a speck of consciousness.. be patient with yourself..
It's not me who is impatient...it's those I've surrendered to that are
hurrying me a bit. :-)
>Shortly after the experience with the jag, my friend death came out from
>behind me. He is a huge black eagle named Thunder <...>
>the NA spirit that brings rain to those who need it and worship him,
brings
>omens of ill luck or death, and also brings luck to warriors who fight
lost
>causes. He is also referenced as the Thunderbird.
> I have a Chinese bamboo calendar with a Tiger on the earth and a
>dragon
>in the clouds.. two Kundalini symbols, Earth and sky.. so it is for you.
>Jaguar and Eagle.. I have seen the Thunderbird in the Sky, shaped in clouds
>with the sun for an eye.. here in the pacific Northwest. The Haida carve
>fabulous masks and totems.. Chacmool too, is God of rain and death..
>different manifestations of the same Archetypal forces.
He's a bit intimidating at times...but fun...just don't screw up when he's
trying to teach you and you'll make it. I still say that perfection is a
flaw.
> I have
>surrendered to my calling, and no longer have migraines or guilt.
You have found your place of belonging, your Tribe. Blessed be!
> I
>describe my work as that of a justifier-shaman...I put right what was
>wronged, doing my part to maintain balance in the world.
> One day your eyes will be opened to the perfection of what is, and then
>your Warrior work of battles will seem more like a game of paint ball..
>playing peek-a-boo with Goddess.. however, in the Now, you have found
>happiness and fulfillment, surrender, in rewarding work and that is
perfection. :)
I am aware that they are paintball games...but I don't know if I am ever
destined to see things as perfect. As Thunder tells me, perfection is
something that must be maintained, lest trophies gather dust as humans
gather ego. The world must be rained upon...everything requires
maintainance. :)
> The middle path of the Tao.. :) it gets easier with time..
> You have friends here.. welcome back.
Nothing is closer to the truth. Thank you
>Kimberly McDaniel
>
>PS--Thanks for the encouragement, Mystress.
:) Anytime.
You're doing a great job here.
Kimberly
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