To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/09 20:27
Subject: Re: [K-list] Input desperately needed
From: Kimberly McDaniel
On 1999/05/09 20:27, Kimberly McDaniel posted thus to the K-list:
Mystress writes:
> I am wondering if these stories ring bells? I have an intuition that
>shamanic sickness, like K., is much more common than anyone guesses.. has
>anyone else had a severe but passing illness, after connecting with a
>spirt?
Oh yes...(BTW, I'm back on the list after having been gone for a few
months...way too many things going on to read email. Perhaps you remember
me Mystress...so confused back there hunting for a place that was right in
front of my face the whole time...thanks for the help then..I never got the
chance to thank you). This is a long e-mail, but it does have a point, so
bear with me. :)
I was born awakened, taught a few things by an uncle who was a Native
American medicine man (cherokee background). I remember my guides as my
"imaginary friends" in first grade...they were the only people who would
speak to me...LOL. I went to a Southern Baptist school and was called the
devil incarnate many times to my face and was beaten and spanked and yelled
at for being left handed (I'm, now ambidextrous but am falling back into
left-handedness at spirits urgings.). At the age of seven, he gave me a
carved staff with a black eagle and an as-yet unidentified mammal on it as a
Christmas present.
Anyway, around age twelve I started hearing a voice, beautiful and deep and
perfectly calm, telling me of others' sickness and that they were going to
die, but it was always too late to help them. I could feel the spirit's
presence on the back of my neck constantly, but was never allowed to see him
or what he looked like. I had seen my uncle die in a truck that he was
about to trade for, and begged him not to get it (how ironic that he was
buying it so he could afford to move up to where I was to help me deal with
all the death I was subjected to), but he did anyway. One weekend he called
me and said we were going up to his hunting land and to be ready when he
got there (We tended to the land and watched over a small cemetery that was
on his land b/c vandals were always digging it up. On the last occasion, I
went up there with him and a grave was open, casket out and open, and
sapphires the size of a man's fist were everywhere. But the shovels and the
bag of the thieves were laying there and there were spin out marks in the
mud. We reburied the woman and all her jewels and left.) I never bothered
getting ready...I just went to sleep. I woke up screaming hysterically...I
had seen the wreck that killed him..was on the side of the road and saw it
in every last detail. I snapped, blamed myself for it. I wasn't allowed to
go his funeral because I was such a basketcase. A few months later my
brother tried to say the staff was his, and it snapped in his hands, so my
mother chipped it up and used it for mulch in my flower garden...but I
killed the flowers. I rejected everything...it was all too painful. I
still talked to one of my guides, a harmless poet/protector and heard the
voice I called Death, but I wouldn't cooperate with them and called them
murderers. I continued on this way through high school, having "migraines"
continuously although the only thing "wrong" with me was that my brain
needed more glucose than anyone else they'd ever seen. They told me that to
end the migraines I had to accept my place, but I saw it as blackmail and
wouldn't give in. From that experience I have one hell of a pain tolerance.
Then I came to college...at a place I choose just because the place was
pretty and it was a quiet town. I didn't realize that "they" were behind it
until I got there. I started getting sick, horribly sick, couldn't get out
of the bed sick. The only way to relieve it was to meditate, but when I did
I had to learn something to get the relief. This continued but got somewhat
better working with the grounding on Mystress' webpage. (I was the one who
wrote and "glowed" to people in the comp lab...:-) I started talking to my
now husband, who has been working with his energy since he was 14 and was
going through, clearing some serius blocks for myself, remembering sexual
abuse, re-living my uncle's death over and over again. I almost killed
myself on several occasions. I finally gave up and asked my guides to help
me, realizing I couldn't handle it on my own. I started remembering my
uncle's teachings and started getting flashes of my staff in various
locations, until it started flashing in oen place out at my ex-stepfathers
house (the one who abused me). I was puzzled because it didn't exist
anymore. One morning I was taken to the shed and had to use it, but didn't
know what for...after pulling energy through it, my uncle came across the
barrier and became a guide. When I asked about the staff, they said "It's
intact now". After the vision in the shed, all was silent except for the
order to retrieve the staff. I finally went back to my hometown and started
feeling a whole group of guides in my head...some belonging to me, and some
belonging to my husband...they formed a circle and told me to go into the
center. I was frightened...I didn't want to go in as I didn't trust them.
I finally made up my mind to enter the circle, and they wouldn't let me
in...then one told me that fear could not enter the circle. I dropped the
fear and entered the circle. My spirit went black...it was dead...the old
medicine man I had picked up from my husband helped my uncle do it. I
stayed that way for a long time, but came to after being dug up and fed a
strange silver liquid. I was weak. After I came back to the physical I
kept getting orders to go to Emerald Mound, that they had someone they'd
like me to meet out there (the medicine man originally came from there). As
my husband and I were walking up the mound, I noticed a dark shape and
*knew* it was a black jaguar. My husband freaked and started dragging me
down the mound, but the jag split in to and came to me in spirit. He put
his forehead to my solar plexus and I started petting him and then gave him
a huge hug and he entered me and will never leave. Over the next few weeks
I went through many tests out there to earn his energy.
Shortly after the experience with the jag, my friend death came out from
behind me. He is a huge black eagle named Thunder and it is he that is on
my staff. The next weekend I return and find the staff completely whole in
the shed I had my vision in. The next week I start reading books on NA
beliefs, for a reason I did not yet understand. I just had a longing for a
tattoo of Thunder to go on the back of my neck with the wings around the
sides of my neck in a protective way. In one of the books, I found a statue
of a chief with a bird in the same position. Turns out the bird is Thunder,
the NA spirit that brings rain to those who need it and worship him, brings
omens of ill luck or death, and also brings luck to warriors who fight lost
causes. He is also referenced as the Thunderbird.
I have since had many experiences, allowing myself to be used as a tool for
battle and as a protector for Emerald Mound (I have to police the use of the
energy that she distributes to people), as I was chosen to do. I have
surrendered to my calling, and no longer have migraines or guilt. I
describe my work as that of a justifier-shaman...I put right what was
wronged, doing my part to maintain balance in the world. My path is not one
of the light, but I walk the shadow line between light and dark as a
tightrope. Occasionally I fall off either side but I have friends who
remind me of where the ladder is so that I may get back up on the rope.
Kimberly McDaniel
PS--Thanks for the encouragement, Mystress.
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