To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/08 08:41
Subject: Re: [K-list] Seeking input from other seekers on aggressive beh
From: freda
On 1999/05/08 08:41, freda posted thus to the K-list:
Connie,
Many have given you suggestions to your problems with your ex. and you
seem to have tried them all... it sounds like you are sabotoging
yourself before you even have to encounter him.
Toss the old crap out the door!!!
today is a whole new day.
I have been there, okay i AM there, some people just wont go away... it
isnt as bad now that the kids are grown, but my ex still, after 12 years
of being divorced will pop up and try his old tricks. For years he would
drag me into court and fanagle ways that I would have to meet with him,
his only 'real' purpose was to 'show' he could control me. 11 court
vistis later and 30 documented 'witnessed' visits, thousands of dollars
in court and attorney fees and I was able to 'legally' get him to stop.
But the law cannot protect me. I had to.
I could not legally keep him from his children, I did not want to
anyway and that is where his power came from...
so I arranged for a guardian ad litem for my children, she became the go
between.
One of the best moments of my life took place on a day that my daughter
had returned to her fathers home to pick up her belongings, I drove her
and the police escorted us. Prior to this my counslor had been drilling
me on how to protect myself.... not physically, emotionally,
before I drove up I resolved to not engage in the usual crap, and the
moment he showed disrespect... I turned and walked. I said nothing. Just
walked. He of corse followed, and was stopped by one of the officers.
It does nothing for these kind of people if they get no response, the
last thing they want is no response!
Slowly, he got the picture, he still tries to manipulate me, but he cant
get what he wants from me, I shut down, leave his presence, hang up the
phone, whatever, I have never had to tell him why he gets shut off, he
knows, it would be a cold day in hell that he would speak to anyone else
in the mannor he would speak to me, he is a very well liked man, go
figure, in fact it took soooooo long to get the legal system to see thru
him because he is such a likable guy!!! (with an insecurity problem
bigger than the state of Texas, he used my non agressive wishy washy
ways and used them to bolster himself)
The problem is you. Not him. His words are words. Your reaction to his
words and actions is what is the problem.
You say you are willing to go to counsling with him. Why would he do
that? He has a life, with a new wife. Do you picture him walking into an
office to play this counsling game with you? Does he care one little bit
about how his words affect you? Of corse not. Get real, better yet get a
good pair of walking shoes, a bright obnoxious pair-blinding even, wear
them the next time you HAVE to encounter him... the more inappriate for
the occasion the better, it will remind you that the moment he speaks to
you with disrespect that you are to WALK calmly and silently away.
Unless of corse you enjoy the friction. I used to, I think it became so
normal that I fed off it... it was hard to let go of. I was pretty much
unaware of it until we were no longer together, when the perks of the
relationship were no longer there, it became painfully clear that I was
as much to blame for his treating me as he did. It took many years to
wrap ourselves into our perspective patterns of behavior, and it fit
like a glove.... trouble was gloves come in pairs, it was hidious to
keep wearing it without its mate... and then I realized it was not a
very pretty glove anyway...
good luck,
freda
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