To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/06 12:47
Subject: [K-list] Seeking input from other seekers on aggressive behavio
From: Charles Vermont
On 1999/05/06 12:47, Charles Vermont posted thus to the K-list:
Connie (molecularbreeze) wrote on 4th May 1999 about her experiences with her ex husband and asked for comments. Here are mine.
I sympathise with what must be a very trying situation for you. Not only have you the divorce to contend with but you also have to decided what is best for the kids. No easy matter, and one which I would not wish on anyone.
I have no similar experience, but I have had relationships with angry and aggressive men - a different matter for me as a 6ft male, but I believe there are parallels. What I found helped me with them was compassion. I don't believe there are 'bad' people in this world, only damaged ones. From the little you have written about your former spouse it sounds to me as though he is thoroughly damaged . After all, who can reasonably expect to get their way in a relationship all the time? (but who am I to know - perhaps I'm the one who is damaged)
If he is damaged, then I suppose something must have caused it. Perhaps he saw his father use the same tactics on his mother and thinks that's the way all married relationships should work. Perhaps he is the victim of some form of abuse and is playing out anger which has nothing to do with you. Who am I to know? What has helped me is identifying the source of the damage. Then I can feel compassion for the other person. I find that my compassion is usually closely followed by forgiveness. I would hate to think anyone would condemn me for my many defects, and would ask others to forgive me for them. Why would I not extend the same compassion to others?
Once I forgive someone I find I can deal with them more easily. I no longer feel angry or frustrated or sad or irritated by the way they treat me. I no longer have to respond the way they want me to respond. I believe this is important since, in my experience, it is the response that such people crave. I may not 'love' them, but they find satisfaction if they can provoke any kind of emotion in me. If they can still 'move' me then in a sense it proves that we still have a relationship of sorts - they believe there is still some kind of connection. But if I forgive them then I can choose the way I engage with them. An aggressive parent can no longer force me to act like their son again. A boss will have to treat me as an adult and not a simpering employee.
In your case, Connie, it seems to me that your ex husband is trying to provoke your anger. He needs it in order to feel there is still a connection, despite the divorce. Perhaps he has failed to form another intimate relationship with a woman since you split. Perhaps he has but he doesn't feel the same connection as he believes he has with you. From what you say it seems to me he is using your love for your children and your wish that they have a relationship with their father as a lever to upset you. Why does he show no interest in them except when you are involved?
So what I suggest is that you meet aggression with reasonableness. If he wants to see the children outside the agreed schedule then offer to discuss a new schedule. If he is unhappy with your parenting then offer to discuss his reasons for wanting it to change. If you do agree to any changes then insist on a minimum period of time before you both review whether they work. If you are fair and reasonable in response to his anger then I suspect he will tire of you because you no longer give him the reaction he craves.
On the other hand it may not work at all, and might place you in an even more difficult place. In my view it is only you who can be the correct judge of that. And even if it is effective course of action, it is easy for me to outline it in an email, much much harder for you to actually do it.
Best of luck
Charles
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