To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/04 13:02
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: Pleasantness (holly)
From: Holly N. Barrett, Ph.D.
On 1999/05/04 13:02, Holly N. Barrett, Ph.D. posted thus to the K-list:
You wrote:
> Hi Holly - In my experience, "apathethic funks" happen in
> the spaces *between* what's interesting, as in 'every OTHER
> moment'... ex. "Something interesting #1!"...(ignore this
> thing)..."Something interesting #2!!"...(chuck this)... etc.
> When I'm 'grooving to the up-beats', then it's all inspiration
> and bliss. When 'all I'm hearing is the static in between
> and the 60hz electrical hum' then it's time to patch a
> band filter into the coffee machine. (a 'sound guy' joke)
> But often I like to listen to the static, and with increasing
> frequency, I'm finding 'apathy' an interesting exploration...
You've made a good point and I'm wondering if I'm wrong about the
apathy part and whether there was in fact some kind of anger/loss going
on. I've been out of the dramatic bliss cycles for some time now and,
actually, the static in between IS the most interesting thing happening
-- constant humming in the vicinity of my head and vibrations around my
body.
>> The more interesting question is where "here" is because it
>> feels like nowhere:
>
> ... which you apparently are too. :)
Yup.
>> none of the temporary solace of ego gratification and yet
>> none of the deep peace of selflessness.
>
> ok, it looks like you are looking for something familiar
> - specifically a 'feeling' to tell you where you are.
> since you find no familiar 'feelings' you call that 'apathy'
> instead of just absorbing and appreciating the culture
> of this unique place as it is. what if you let go of
> 'feelings' for the moment, b/c perhaps you are, in the
> moment, in a rhythm that has little to do with 'feelings'
> as you know it (like maybe you're on a purely 'mental'
> rhythm, or visual rhythm, or... perhaps trying to put
> familiar labels on something un-nameable?).
You are absolutely right. Thanks for suggesting this.
>
>> The first time I hit this space in a big way was last year
>> when I first really SAW that the small sense of self is a
>> virtual construct -- doesn't exist. At first there
>> was joy, but a few weeks later came ennervation and apathy
>> that were bleak indeed. The subsequent visits to this locale
>> haven't been so dramatic and I suspect slow change occurs,
>> albeit below the surface where I can't see it yet. Holly
>
> Yes, slow change occurs very near where you are looking...
> but it's actually Fast change that occurs where you're
>. not looking.
:)
>. You say, "the small sense of self is a virtual construct --
>. doesn't exist." If so, then *What is a "Virtual Construct"?*
>
>. Does 'virtual' perhaps mean that it EXISTS as a mental entity?
>. And what does 'construct' perhaps suggest that you could
>. do with your 'small sense of self'?
I meant in the sense of a virtual particle -- has no inherent reality
but may fulfill a purpose for a micro-instant. My self deconstructs
whenever I look for it (maybe that's what was making me mad!).
During these moments, the experience is that nothing matters to me, not
even the possibility of seeing truth -- a process about which "I" feel
no ownership. As I am thinking about it, these moments are different
from my more usual state which is detached, but attentive. This is
what is making me curious about maybe being pissed off underneath. If
there is "mood" involved, it sure doesn't feel personal. Do people who
live in no-self still have moods?
Many thanks for your thoughtful comments, Rik.
Holly
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