To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/04 11:56
Subject: [K-list] Seeking input from other seekers
From: molecularbreeze
On 1999/05/04 11:56, molecularbreeze posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List Friends,
I am writing to ask for responses, especially from those folks who have
experienced similar situations.
I am a divorced mom with custody of two children and am having great
difficulty with the children's father since I have begun saying no to
things. Where once I always easily complied with his requests for time with
the children, because I have always (and still do) uphold the great
importance of the children knowing an involved relationship with their Dad.
The problem is that though I have been carefully using the skills I learned
in my conflict resolution class, of how to be assertive, that is to express
my thoughts, concerns or feelings in a non-destructive manner (i.e. using
'I' messages) he visciously verbally attacks me (as if I attacked him). I
must take care of myself by protecting myself from his abusive anger as it
is damaging to me emotionally. I have told him that because of this
problem, we must stick to the regularly scheduled visitations (to avoid my
being subjected to him). I told him I will willingly go to mediation to
discuss anything with him. Only in that situation, do I feel safe. What
started him becoming even more aggressive is when I said 'no' for the first
time to a request he made for visitation, it is true that I said no because
he was choosing to visciously verbally attack me during the telephone call.
It is very difficult, because I don't want to prevent his time with the
children, but working out the arrangements that we both are comfortable
with (i.e. daughter walking to his house from school for the first time)
requires that I state what I am comfortable with. Such discussions are
impossible, unless I just "take it" (his angering upon me and belittling
me).
So now, he has said that I am using his children as pawns to get back at
him. And he wants to tell them such things. And I narrowly avoided what
would have been an emotionally distressing scene for my son to witness
(where his father wanted to take him, though I said no). Such a scene seems
unspeakable to me. How can I protect myself, yet at the same time not have
it effect my children, such as limiting their time with him to the regular
schedule, which benefits me by creating an avoidance of his wrath? My
decision to stick to the regular visitations is like taking something away
from them? And now he is so insensed that I said no and he was so angry and
ready to make a scene at the school where I waiting for my son to finish a
screening he was having. I was able to drive away with my son while his
father was busy telling the school counselor that he needed a copy of the
screening report, etc. . He has never called to ask me for progress reports
regarding any of the children's growth and development. I would be happy
to have provided it for him. But he never wants to come to me for info. He
prefers to yell at me every chance he gets for the lousy job I am doing in
my part of raising the kids, I figure his 50% is to call and make the
inquiry and my 50% is to happily provide him with all updates. But he NEVER
inquires. It seems his way of functioning with me is to see me as a
persecutor, of purposely not involving him. In the past I have tried to
talk with him and help him know it is in my heart to be a team with him. He
would rather make me his adversary, I guess. And I will not go there
anymore...trying to discuss with him. He is so viscious and I'm not going
to take it anymore.
I feel that since my children depend upon me, I must take care of me, so
that I can be there for them. And this means avoiding situations of
emotional abuse. Yet, my saying no, to protect myself (except for
mediation, which I hope he will do), is also causing his rising up into an
attack mode...threatening to take me to court and make scenes with the
children
I feel so unsafe. I just don't know what will happen next as I begin
approaching life these days, by exercising my right as a person to say no.
Connie
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