To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/02 13:28
Subject: [K-list] B Sharp
From: v
On 1999/05/02 13:28, v posted thus to the K-list:
*K-List *
the wonder of life extending into electrical impulses & the mind of
the universal silent echoes...
while we're on the topic of being frank, I am learning my buttons
that seem to be set to a "fear of success" syndrome, & the reason I stay
alone & do everything myself is because of a gargantuan amount of
distrust of other people; esp. men. Apparently I have not come to terms
with being beaten & sexually abused by men as a child & young adult, I
have just imploded inwardly & trained myself to repel all people, unless
I have worked very very hard at theatrical mind trip games I know - to
put on elaborate to mundane charades because I am being used by the
universal power to take their money, so it has to be simple & succinct,
and I have to pray really hard & shine the light & 'keep it simple
stupid' & somehow transcend the guilt & self-deprication I was raised
with. Yes, I seem to feel guilty at the base inner core, for considering
myself worthy to be born; & especially to propigate. And I can see HOW I
got it -now that it's not operating subliminally anymore, but
overcoming it & remaining aware enough is very daunting.
And when it comes to love, because I guess yoga & lightwork keeps me
looking young, I have men who want to date me, but first they must be
friends, & since I have been so solitary all my life, it's hard not to
feel needy. The coolest is to NOT need love, or anyone's admiration or
respect because that way retains the power to chose one's environment.
So the first thing I do when a man actually gets thru my almost
impenatrable walls & shield, is to work hard at overcoming them with
gushing & verbose wit, with rapier edges, & drive them away. I maintain
the life of a recluse even when in the village.
I had a guy in my path for over a year now, of having to see & watch
him every day love unrequitedly, & now I've met someone else thrown at
me from out of the blue. And - in case they *are* my soulmate, as I have
wondered, I've set about to destroy the possibility that we have
anything in common, apparently by coming on too strong (my own
self-check for validation principles).
So, dontcha all worry - it's not just this list that confuses me,
chaos extends & pervades the personal parameters of my whole existance!
Bleh! I want my mom!
:-)))
v
--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*
Valerie Cooper
http://www.geocities.com/soho/7982/
ICQ# - 4174426
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